and then it occurred to me- ah i'm not working hard enough. i'm not good enough.
relapse after 3 years because iâ€™m tired of trying when no one really cares. no one cares about ugly old me no matter how much i try to be nice and there for people. no one puts in kind thoughts for me when iâ€™m feeling like shit. no one notices. i always lift others up but no one does it for me when i really need it.
theres nothing going good for me right now
im gaining weight
i have no boyfriend
i have shitty parents
not as shitty as other people but fuck they're annoying and mediocre and donâ€™t support their kids the way they should and i hate everything they just let opportunities pass them by
i hate graphic design which i thought i would do for my job and turns out I CANâ€™T HOLD DOWN A JOB BECAUSE THEYâ€™RE REALLY BORING
i look disgusting
i feel disgusting
i also have a shit personality
i have no friends
i have trust issues and anxiety
literally why the fuck am i alive if everything sucks from my perspective and i have nothing to live for??? is it the fucking guilt that everyone will have if i die thatâ€™s preventing me from committing suicide? is it the pain of actually killing myself and the possibility of an eternity of pain for that shit? i canâ€™t fucking do this. the more i grow up, the shittier i look and the shittier the world looks. everything is going to shit and i canâ€™t be alive anymore. iâ€™m so fucking done with myself and everything. maybe i should just get an eating disorder and get skinny and pretty so i have at least one thing going for me.Â
im so FUCKING done with everything.
the most i can do right now in my opinion, is take all the FUCKING money i have, and pour it into plastic surgery. make my face pretty and starve because i wonâ€™t be able to eat from surgery and then iâ€™ll come out all pretty and people will want me then.Â
iâ€™m so fucking annoyed because i have to try and try and try to make people like me and make new relationships and start all over again with another group of FUCKING strangers and work to make money like this whole system is FUCKED like this might just be hell on earth. i donâ€™t think thereâ€™s a hell maybe THIS IS HELL and weâ€™re all burning slowly and slaving away on this godforsaken earth with the fucking SUN giving people skin cancer.Â
why am i even alive.
just lost my job. i hated it but iâ€™m still beating myself up about it, not being good enough etc. bad habits are calling to me from the abyss. quick doodle. kind of shows where my mind is right now.