biandbitchy

Me On Chopped

thebootydiaries

Judges: she's just, she's just shoving food into her jacket, she's literally just here to steal food,

Things I want to give My Characters: Cuddles.

Things I must give them: Struggles

keuhkopussirotta

cat: hey you gonna eat that?

human: uh, that’s a rat. They’ve been showing up ever since we started harvesting grain. We don’t eat them, they eat our food.

cat: free game then. Cool.

human: be my guest.

cat: hey is this spot free? It looks warm and I need a place to have my litter.

humans: this is my house. Feel free, I guess, just don’t get stepped on.

cat: hey can you watch my kittens for me? I need to hunt and I don’t want predators finding them.

human: holy shit these buggers are cute. Nothing will happen to them.

cat: I am going to climb on your lap now and you are going to love me.

human: I’m ok with this.

sailor--spoon

HEY JUST TO REMIND EVERYONE: CATS DOMESTICATED THEMSELVES AND WE ARE JUST LUCKY THAT THEY CHOSE TO HAVE US IN THEIR LIVES

microcroft

kinda mad because op managed to summarize the domestication of cats in a single post what it took me a 10+ page research paper to explain

closet-keys

a lesbian: I love being a lesbian and thinking about how I’ve always been a lesbian even before I knew, and thinking back on memories as a kid and how I’ve always liked girls

other lesbians: this is relatable and really true for me too

chanting people in the notes: Don’t Forget: Sexuality Is Fluid- So You Might Change Your Mind. Change Your Mind. Change Your Mind.

aestheticsadtrash

As a bi person also super relatable

whatwouldjessusdo

Walking outside in october

spideyandnova

Brain: Step on every crunchy leaf

Me: why

Brain: you gotta

spideyandnova

school: make time for your interests and hobbies!

school: oh btw we're going to keep you here for about 6 1/2 hours. and after that, we're going to give you hours of homework.

school: eat 3 meals a day!

school: you don't have time for breakfast if you want to get here on time, though. and here's lunch, it's cardboard.

school: school is free!

school: oh, but you have to pay for any ap classes, textbooks, folders, supplies, and materials for projects :)

school: you earn the grades you get!

school: what do you mean this teacher gives you bad grades because they don't like you? that's ridiculous!

school: respect your teachers.

school: oh, but they don't have to respect you. even if you don't know the answer they can still call you out in front of the whole class. and don't forget, if you correct them, we'll lower your grade.

school: everyone is an individual!

school: here's a standardized test to figure out how smart you all are.

school: balance your social life and academics.

school: but you also have to do homework and study for the rest of the day.

school: we accept all love!

school: stop kissing and hugging eachother. that's gross.

school: bullying is bad!

school: but our teachers won't help you if you don't say anything.

school: it's okay to be out sick.

school: but the teacher won't explain it to you if you were. that's /your/ fault that you were sick.

school: act like adults.

school: but we're going to treat you like children.

People allergic to peanuts: keep peanuts as far away from me as possible or I'll die

People allergic to shellfish: no shrimp pls I don't wanna die today

Lactose intolerant people:*while eating ice cream* the weight of my sins drags me closer to hell but I sit in a throne higher than God's

Mental health professionals: hitting your kids increases the risk of mental illness and could make them more aggressive in adult life

Some guy with 3 aggrevated assault arrests and a drinking problem: well my parents beat me and I turned out fine y’all are a bunch of snowflakes

King: Saitama has no survival or self-preservation instincts. I think he was born without them.

Genos: That can’t be true, King.

King: Here, watch this.

King: Hey Saitama! Race you downstairs!

Saitama: *jumps out the window*

Tony: I'm trash

Steve: as someone who cares deeply about the environment, I'm obligated to pick you up. Is seven okay?

Tony: :D

Bucky:

Bucky: Sam. I'm trash.

Sam: I know bitch I can't find an effective way to get rid of you either

Peter: if people find out I'm Spiderman they'll come after Aunt May :(

May: *literally poisons a bitch's tea and disposed of the body herself in the comics when they found out Peter's secret identity and tried to kill him*

Peter: ‘vines that will make you forget about your father figure who died right in front of you after giving you a hug and then destroying an army’? yeah right

Peter, after watching the hour long compilation: mr stark you’re not gonna believe this

Peter:

Peter: .

marvel-lous-things

BuzzFeed quiz: find out which avenger is your soulmate

Me, spending 6-8 minutes on each question to carefully think about and then choose each option so that it aligns perfectly with Tony and Tony alone: hm

BuzzFeed quiz:

BuzzFeed quiz: you got Tony Stark

Me: haha rad

scarletmanuka1

*Me, carefully pondering my choices.

How do you eat toast?

• Patriotically
• Angrily
• Using bots you built as a child prodigy
• In Soviet Russia, toast eats you.

marvel-lous-things

5. No toast for the unworthy

6. Caw caw

marvel-lous-things

Peter, crying: will we ever make it out of here alive?

Stephen:

Stephen: for the 900th goddamn time

Stephen: I have LITERALLY SEEN THE FUTURE

Stephen: THE AVENGERS WILL JUST HAVE TO-

Peter, crying harder: MR STRANGE SIR PLEASE I SAID NO S POI LE R S

Lila: dad. I need to tell you something important. Please don’t freak out.

Clint: Lila. Honey. Listen to me. This is a judgement free household, okay? You don’t have to worry about me reacting in any way negatively to what you’re about to say. You are who you are, and I’m more than willing to accept that. You might have trouble believing it, but I want you to know that I’ll always love you no matter what, straight or otherwise, and-

Lila: I prefer guns over arrows

Clint:

Clint, frothing at the mouth: get the fuck out of my house right now

superblies

the difference between DC & Marvel

prowodyrka

Bruce Wayne: Secret identities are important - it protects who you are and the ones you love.

Tony Stark: YOLO

marvel-lous-things

Tony @ terrorists: here’s my address and my phone number and my keys and my wallet feel free to pop in any time I’ll leave the door unlocked

marvel-lous-things

Peter: can I-

May: ask your moms

Pepper: ask your moms

Carol: ask your moms

Gamora: ask your moms

Hope: ask your moms

Okoye: ask your moms

Peter:

marvel-lous-things

Happy, outside Peter’s window: ABSOLUTELY NOT

Headcanon: Bruce likes to use slang words because he knows it makes Dick uncomfortable - he even does it when they team up after Dick becomes Nightwing

Batman: *swings onto the rooftop* What's hip and happening homie?

Nightwing: Please stop

Batman: Why you all up in my grill?

---------------

Bruce: You snuck out when I specifically told you not to - that's not very kush

Dick: Why are you doing this?

---------------

Bruce: The pizza rolls didn't get burnt! *dabs*

Dick: *starts crying*

---------------

Wally: Is that your dad?

Bruce *in the distance*: What up boi

Dick: No no, fuck no

---------------

Nightwing: You're saying they usually meet at this warehouse?

Batman: Fo' sho'

Nightwing: I will punch you

---------------

Nightwing: Riddler is escaping into my city - I'll take him down and bring him back

Batman: I guess I can pop lock and drop this case

Nightwing: This is why I left you for Blüdhaven

_______________________

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|______________________|

\( ò ^ ó)/

Comic Peter: I must protect my identity at all costs. No one must ever know who I am. I will keep my mask on even in deep space just incase anyone may recognise me

Mcu Peter: *visibly vibrating* HI iM pEtER pArKER