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Spin~   ♥  Hi I'm Chi and I draw and stuff sometimes

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    Happy 10th Anniversary, SHINee!
    I already wrote this on Amino, but I thought I’d bring it over to tumblr (where I can format it properly lol

    10 SHINee Years

    I can’t believe it’s been 10 whole years. I found SHINee probably just after their first year, in 2009 when Lucifer was gaining traction online. They were the first K-pop band I ever heard, and the only one I’ve ever loved. I haven’t found another band I’ve ever followed so passionately, and I don’t think I ever will. They’re so unique.

    When I first heard Lucifer I was hooked on the spot. My friend was showing me the video and I could not believe how good the music was, and I was entranced by the flawless dance moves and a music video I wanted to repeat. I’ve heard the song a million times but I never get sick of it. Even listening right now. It reminds me of great times in middle school, where my friends and I tried to learn the dance. Though I still don’t know much anymore, I never gave up on learning it. Though we’re not all friends anymore, I see the memories of our happiness in each song you all sing.

    Honestly I didn’t get super into SHINee until college when I became very depressed and found myself running across silly SHINee compilations on YouTube. They cheered me up and made me so happy. I learned all their names and how unique and incredible each one of them is, how important they are to k-pop as a whole and to each other. How pure they are, even when it comes to live shows that are always live (what kind of band so talented is BAD at lipsyncing? One with pure talent that doesn’t take shortcuts!). Honestly, I’m still learning how to be a Shawol every day. Even today, I never knew the exact day they debuted (and the day after my birthday no less, whoa!) ;;;


    The sweet leader, Onew. Onew’s gone through a lot and stayed so strong the whole time. He puts all his love into SHINee and it shows. When he needed surgery for his voice and cried when he could finally return to stage, when he comforted every other emotional member on stage, when he might be stressed but always would give that big smile. How can someone be so cool, sexy, and adorable at the same time? You never fail to keep your fans on their feet. Many would be lucky to have such a kind yet strong leader.


    My personal bias, Key. Key was actually the character who’s part I was assigned to dance to back in the old days. It must’ve been fate because when I got older and learned more about him, I realized how much I admired him. I’m someone with a god-awful memory and not a skilled dancer, so I’m in awe by Key’s incredible ability to memorize dances on the spot and expertly execute them. His ability inspires me to work harder at that alone, but that’s not all! A great singer and fashionista to the max, is there anything you’re bad at? All the while, learning to speak in Korean, Japanese, and English. This inspires me so much, as someone who’s been learning Japanese and hopes to teach Japanese abroad. You must have worked so hard to learn so much, and no doubt to help your fellow members reach their highest potential. And as a singer, student, and fan, you’re one of my biggest inspirations.


    Taemin I’ll admit is a bit of a mystery to me sometimes. I feel like there’s a lot of times you never know what he’s thinking behind that ever-present smile. A little bit of mischief and playfulness, but also clearly someone who, when they want to achieve a goal, will make it happen. Like many others, I watched you grow. My first memories are of a scrawny little Taemini with the long blond hair, so seeing beefy TaeMAN years later was a (welcome) shock. Now you’re making your own albums and clearly pursuing something you’ve always wanted to do. Though the smallest, Taemin’s definitely been a core part of SHINee, and has clearly grown well with love aside his brothers.


    Though Minho has a huge personality, he was someone I didn’t know much about for a long time. He’s fiery, competitive, playful, determined, and dorkly cool (riddle me that one). Clearly one of SHINee’s biggest fans who will prove them to be the best in any competition, no matter how small, and make up DIBIDIBIDI songs about his favorite people. And no different from the other members, just as talented as a budding drama actor and the group rapper. Though known as the group rapper, it’s no shock he’s just as talented in song. One of my favorite songs he’s sung is Kiseki, a Japanese song I heard before hearing him sing it, but only loved after. No matter what, Minho’s love for SHINee will never fade. There’s no extinguishing that flaming charisma.


    And finally, Jonghyun. Forever in our hearts and our minds. The lead vocalist, and that is no title given lightly. Those notes in Lucifer, the long high notes, always gave me chills. It was your voice I wanted to hear the most in each song replay. What an incredible talent. The lyrics of each song he wrote packed with emotion and meaning. Every song has a purpose. You could say so much and so little in each line. You have the brightest smile of all of the members, and every time I’d watch a behind-the-scenes video, I’d always be instantly happy when I saw you break out in a huge smile and fits of laughter. Jonghyun worked so hard and did so many incredible things with his talents and immense effort. You did so, so, so well.

    Jonghyun, last July I planned a trip to Japan. The winter before, I found “SHINee’s Fine Day”, a show where all of the boys took trips to wherever they wanted. I never finished the series, but when my friends and I decided to visit Japan, I remembered that you also loved Japan and chose to visit it. I began to slowly watch your videos the next months for inspiration. In December, inspiration turned to dedication. In March, I walked purposefully in some of your footsteps in Tokyo. I couldn’t do everything, but I chose 3 specific places that I bought meant a lot to you back them.

    I decided to visit the records store you did, Tower Records jn Shibuya, and buy your last album, along with some from SHINee. When I arrived, the store looked different than when you visited, but just like you, I believe to the SHINee section. They had a beautiful set up dedicated to all 5 of you. I took a picture so someday, when I’ve learned enough Japanese, I can read their kind words. I easily found your city, put in a large section for your fans. When I purchased your CD, they gave me a poster of the cover. I still haven’t had the heart to open my CDs or hang up your poster. Someday I will though.

    On my way to Tower Records, I had visited Hachiko. All the while I remembered when you took a picture with him too, and fans started to gather in take pictures, which you happily and loudly invited to continue. (Funny enough people took pics of me then too in my fairy kei fashion haha)

    In Odaiba, the Gundam statue. I’m not a Gundam fan like you are but I wanted to copy you by taking a selfie in front of the statue (albeit I wasn’t meaning to go in cosplay but that’s how things wound up haha;;; ). I’m glad I could go where you once were. It helped comfort me a lot knowing you once experienced a lot of happiness and fun, enjoying your vacation where i was. And knowing you must be feeling that happiness once again. You deserve all of the happiness in the world.

    Jonghyun, I’ll try to keep it short. You changed me as a person. I now stand up for what I believe in. I try to not let others push me around. I know you stood up for what you believed in and it inspired me so much. But you’ve been inspiring everyone around you since the beginning. They all said so; fans, other musical groups, your friends, and your fellow members. You’re an idol in every sense of the word. You’re a star.


    What SHINee has taught me most of all is something I’ve been trying to prove my whole life: true friendship exists. I hoped it existed with the friends I had back when I discovered SHINee in middle school. There were also 5 of us. But our five wasn’t meant to be, of course, we went different ways. I’ve made more friends and lost them between then and now. My depression worsened because I believed I’d never find friends that would want to be with me, want to work towards the same goals, or help me through hard times. I just had friends that abandoned me, gave up on our projects we started with so much promise, and brushed off my feelings. When I found the videos of SHINee, it broke through this despair I’d built up overtime. I saw them laugh, cry, smile, argue, and work so hard together and knew there were no truer friends in the world. Someday I want the friendship they have. I’m not there yet but I know now that it’s out there. That’s what made me fall in love with SHINee more than any other band ever will. They’re not just the pretty boys with nice voices and incredible dance moves. Their distinct, incredible people who care about each other so much, and put their all into their group. Though they may have different goals and dreams ultimately, and different side talents and projects, it’s clear their #1 focus is SHINee, and the Shawol that give their love to them. They love us because we love this group that they put their hearts and souls into. There’s no way to deny how much they love us. In return, let’s all do our best to be as amazing as they always believe we are.

    Thank you, SHINee. Thank you Onew, Jonghyun, Minho, Key, and Taemin. Your future is shining bright.

    ( Thanks everyone who read! This was just my view of SHINee, so it may be perceived way different than the next fan. But everyone’s reason to love SHINee is just as correct. We’re all fans of this incredible group and I love all of the dedication Shawol have.  Sorry if this was a long ramble and about the tense changes. Take care, everyone. )

    I’ve been thinking all week about Jonghyun and reading everyone’s stories about their time with SHINee. It’s been a good way for me to figure out my thoughts and feelings, so I thought I’d contribute to the memory and talk about my time with SHINee. It’s gonna be a long one; I’m no good at summarizing.

    SHINee was my first exposure to k-pop back around 2008 when I was about 15. The first video I can remember is Lucifer, and I remember being absolutely starstruck. The visuals were cool, the boys were beautiful, but what most captured me, of course, was the singing and dancing. Every one of the boys sings so uniquely and has great talent. Jonghyun’s incredible long and high notes gave me goosebumps the most every time. As for the dancing, SHINee is fairly well-known for having extremely complex dance moves so this is no surprise. I wanted to learn Lucifer as soon as I saw it, and I still have it high on a list of songs to memorize. We only had 3 people, me as Key, one friend as Taemin, and another as Jonghyun. To this day the one who did Jonghyun’s part is the only one who still can dance almost all of the song.

    We traveled into more k-pop, but SHINee was always a band special to me. Slowly I started listening to more of their songs, like Hello, Clue + Sherlock, Ring Ding Dong, and Honesty. If I ever saw SHINee as an option on a poll related to k-pop, I’d always vote them up. In Minnesota we had a few k-pop events where they’d ask what songs we wanted to hear or merch we wanted to see. EXO and BTS and other new bands are very popular here so unfortunately SHINee was always super low on the list but I’d still try. With Lucifer being my start at dancing, whenever I saw SHINee on stage I always found it exciting and something that seemed fun. When I started college, I was lucky enough to join an Anime Club where I made good friends. We started a dance group called Pop Candy, and I was able to do some of the live dancing on stage that I always enjoyed watching SHINee do.

    Even so, I never followed them closely until about 3 years ago. I regret not doing so earlier. Back during that time, I had been living on my own 2 hours from home at a school I was failing in due to undiagnosed ADHD. I had a job overseen by district managers that did not care about our store’s hard conditions. Needless to say, my depression and anxiety were at a high point for sure. The worst times were the mornings before work, dragging myself to bed against the will of everything in me. I’d try to watch videos that made me happy before I left, start the day on a good note. This was how I started watching SHINee videos. Not the music videos, but compilations of silly things that they did, moments they were together, and other fan-made videos. There are some awesomely dedicated Shawols out there that make these- thank you for sharing those moments. They helped me laugh and put a smile on my face even when I knew it was going to be a rough day. This became a common routine even outside of work. I was dealing with feelings that I didn’t belong in my group of friends at the time, so I watched SHINee thinking of them as having the perfect friendship. They were the kind of people I wish I had as friends. They had the kind of friendship I always wanted. Even though I felt alone, watching them made me so happy, knowing that even if I didn’t think anyone I knew was there for me, the friendship I desired wasn’t impossible. These real people who loved each other so much existed. They were so happy and worked so hard and had each other’s backs, forever.

    Last summer, I discovered their “SHINee’s One Fine Day” series where they travel abroad. I was so excited when Jonghyun said he was going to go to Japan, because I had just begun planning my first trip to Japan for this upcoming March. I thought it would be a great opportunity to find places to visit through Jonghyun’s experience. I still haven’t finished the series. It’s going to be a lot harder to watch now. But I still want to visit those places he’s been; visit the music store in Tokyo and go to SHINee’s section, see the giant Gundam, make a wish at the same shrine in Kyoto. I’ll wish for SHINee’s health when I do go there.

    The day before the news, it was the worst day of my current job. I hadn’t slept well (I had two nightmares in a row about wasps, which I learned represents incoming misfortune), it was busy, many patients were in bad moods, and a particularly mean patient got to me. I wound up choking back tears and having to go to the bathroom to cry. But I would have taken as many of those days as I had to if it meant the next day would never happen.

    I woke up and checked facebook first thing in the morning, which I don’t usually do. I felt like I needed to. The first post I saw was one from a JoJo page I follow, talking about his death. I was shocked. I’m still in shock and disbelief if I’m honest. It feels like a continuation of my nightmares. I went on my way to work, the news not settling. It was a day at work where I had little to do so I spent the entire day reading through the #SHINee twitter tag to learn as much as I could. Even with all the confirmations and information I just couldn’t understand. When I thought of Jonghyun, I’d always remember that big toothy grin in all of those clips I saw. How polite he was to his fans. How playful he was with the other members. I never thought something like this would happen to anyone in SHINee. I thought they would always be able to hold up each other and that if anything happened to them, it would be something out of their power. I never imagined suicide would be the end of any of them, never.

    Eventually after work, the shock had settled. I cried. I was actually surprised when the tears came. I never even cried at my grandparents’ funerals. The thoughts came crashing down. Thoughts about my own depression and how often I’d thought about suicide before and how I’m happy I’ve gotten through my struggles, and how sad it is that Jonghyun had to do this in order to reach his happiness. I thought about the reasons to live that I always thought about during my darkest times. Things I wanted to do in life still. I most often thought, “The world is such a big place. I want to see it”. Jonghyun has seen more of the world than I might ever get to. But he must have felt trapped. The world being so big must not have mattered if he felt his own world was so small and trapped. I remember too, one of the first thoughts I had was, “If someone so amazing like that took his own life, what business does someone as unimportant as me have being around?” but of course that’s an awful way to view it. Someone on Twitter said in a quote, “If Jonghyun was just a solo artist, it would hurt so much less. Thinking about the pain the other boys are enduring makes it hurt so much more” and that was a huge pain in my heart. I worried so much about losing more of them, I worried how incredibly painful it must be for them, and how little of their friendship we got to see. 10 years of a strong friendship. The amount of self-blame they must be enduring. The “what ifs” hurt the most too. “What if someone had noticed?” “What if a good doctor had reached out?” “What if he spoke more directly?” “What if the police were faster?”… I just keep trying to tell myself that no matter what, “what if”s don’t matter now. There’s no point. But I can’t stop thinking about it. There’s not really anyone to talk about this with either, so it’s just been stewing slowly.

    I cried the next night. And then the next night when the funeral procession aired. I was working all of those days so I had to avoid reading too much at work so I wouldn’t be too upset. The night of the funeral, a stray post showed up on my facebook of the funeral procession, of the faces of Taemin, Key, Onew, and Minho. No light in their eyes, looking downwards, redness and puffiness still showing from their crying. I thought, “I never wanted to see those faces on them”. From keeping an eye on Twitter all those days I felt the amount of pain in the community. I also felt the immense love from everyone in the k-pop community. There were people that never heard of SHINee reaching out and everyone keeping an eye on each other. So many people had a new appreciation for life and those who inspired them and their journeys. It took a few days to appreciate all this love because the pain is always first and foremost. I’m still going to keep having a hard time not feeling pain in the silent moments and eating normally but it gets easier with time.

    I still don’t know if I can ever fully understand your actions, Jonghyun, but I can still respect them. You made a choice, and it was one you obviously had thought about for a very long time. I’m sure it was extremely hard to think about and that you were aware of the impact it might have. I only wish life had been so much better to you. I wish you gave yourself as much happiness as we were given from you, because you deserved so much more. I hope you’re truly happy now. We’ll keep looking after your brothers and family in the meanwhile. Thank you for everything you’ve shared with us.

    I don’t think I can be considered a Shawol in the end. I never knew all the things Shawols know. I didn’t know about Jonghyun’s depression. I didn’t know about his tattoos or their meaning. I didn’t know about his activism. When it comes to things that are related to real people, I always felt weird probing their lives more than the surface level, like music, shows, and whatever else they put right in front of the public. I guess it’s pretty typical in the k-pop community to be intense like that though. Even if I’m not a Shawol, I hope the community can heal and continue on with strength, and continue to be there for the other boys. I’ll keep cheering from the sidelines and keep rooting for SHINee as a fan just like before. Key, Onew, Taemin, and Minho, I hope you take care of yourselves first and foremost and know your true fans will always support you no matter what.

    I plan to do a cover of a SHINee song soon as a tribute, and draw art for it as well. It will probably be very late with the holidays and lack of motivation due to all of the stress. Thank you for reading! I hope you all know you are not alone and I hope you will reach out if you ever find yourself in darkness. Someone is always standing by waiting to help, even if you are unaware. And as Onew said, “Someone is out there who loves you more than you love yourself”. Stay strong, Shawols.

    “I don’t like to draw” is something I have been saying the last few years. Yet, I still find myself doodling in my notebook all the time and feeling the urge to draw when I see others around me doing it too.

    “ It takes way too long for me” I keep saying, when I can knock out something I’m really excited about creating in under 5 hours.

    I’ve been working on a commission that was due in June. I started it in January. It is now almost December. It’s a friend, so I told him the situation, but I realized that this makes those feelings of negativity return. I don’t feel invested in the commission because I do not know these characters I’m being asked to draw and I don’t feel any connection. I try to sing with the intent of the song in mind and understand and relate to the message because when I sing it, the emotion will present itself. I feel that’s the same with art, so I made a decision just now. Until further notice, I don’t ever want to do a commission of something I can’t love myself. If I do, art becomes a mindless chore with an unsatisfying result. After these commissions, I’ll help my brother with concept are for a game, then I will draw only what I want to draw so I can learn to love it again.

    Ever since recently getting diagnosed with ADHD, have I begun to understand this as tasks and chores have always been a monumental task for me. Anything that requires focus becomes a task that takes days, weeks, months, and all of the frustration I feel with myself of ”why can’t I just do it?” “why am I so useless?” becomes focused on the task at hand “I hate that drawing makes me feel so useless” “I hate that something I loved before is so much harder now. It’s not fun anymore”. In middle school and high school, I drew up to 5 pictures a day, almost every day, of characters from stories we wrote together because I cherished them with all my heart. So when life became more difficult and I started drawing less, I didn’t understand why until now.

    So anyway, as I said- I’m coming back. I’ll do my best to work over this hurdle and I’m working on controlling my ADHD now that I discovered it, but I want to be back and draw the ideas that I’ve been writing down to draw someday. In the meantime, I’ll upload some of my older art. 

    Ever since 2007 when I first joined Deviantart, I’ve been so thankful for everyone who’s ever favorited a piece of my art, commented, or spoke to me directly in support of me. I know I’m not a very responsible or driven person sometimes, so the things others see in my creations makes me so happy, I can’t even describe it. Thanks so much for sticking with me thus far! 

    - Chi



    Draw ‘em all, or have someone send you a character and a number… it’s your wonderland, Alice. Reblog, add your own. Have a good time.

    1. hasn’t slept in 48 hours
    2. tasted something gross
    3. in a long, slow line at the DMV
    4. listening to blind date talk about their ex
    5. reading YouTube comments
    6. favorite song just came on
    7. song they hate just came on
    8. had their favorite show spoiled
    9. just fell in love (a.k.a. “Dreamweaver face”)
    10. saw a wasp
    11. had a fist fight (they won)
    12. had a fist fight (they lost)
    13. food coma
    14. hello darkness, my old friend
    15. “was that Batman?”
    16. forgot what they were about to say
    17. “oh no, they’re hot…”
    18. their best friend’s cooking is not as good as they think
    19. brainfreeze!
    20. texted the wrong person
    21. check out this box of kittens/puppies/bunnies/ducklings/whatever’s cutest to them!
    22. their favorite TV show character dies
    23. having an increasingly awkward conversation with Bob of Modus Operandi
    24. parent/guardian is showing their baby pictures
    25. stepped on a Lego
    26. stepped on an Eggo… you know… the waffle
    27. 102 degrees indoors and there’s no A/C
    28. watching the end of The Iron Giant… or maybe the opening to Up… or w-when Shadow is stuck in Homeward Bound…??
    29. woken up out of a dead sleep
    30. nailed it.

    (some suggestions were lovingly crowd-sourced from kayzig samwisedamgee marianascosta geekysideburns briandanielwolf sarahfu and!)

    It’s been too long since my last expressions challenge so LET’S DO THIS.