Emergency Self-Administered Aftercare
Written by Mistress Abode
July 16, 2019
There are lots of reasons you are checking out this emergency post…
Perhaps you are a sub who played real time with a Dom/me who was lousy at aftercare. Or you are a dominant or a switch who played with a sub who didn’t realize tops need aftercare as well. Perhaps you have an online Master who doesn’t think aftercare is required after online play – you on the other hand know from prior play experience that you need aftercare, and also sometimes experience subdrop. Or perhaps your normally supportive and experienced Mistress is unable to fulfill their usual “special time” due to unforseen real life commitments.
These emergency aftercare instructions are for all of you – and anyone else who finds themselves alone and depressed, lost and sad after play. They are relevant to both online and realtime situations.
IMPORTANT NOTE: These emergency aftercare instructions are to alieviate post BDSM play exhaustion and “drop” (encountered by many people in the kinky community). If you have had a really traumatic experience during play – or you find you continually sink into long periods of depression after play – you might need to take things further to a professional counsellor, doctor or healer.
DEPRESSED AFTER PLAY? LOST?
SAD AND IN TEARS FOR NO REASON?
“Everyone in this lifestyle who undertakes
any kind of exciting play, whether it be cyber based, physical, mental, or any combination of these can suffer from some form of sub drop”
What you are experiencing is subdrop (or if you are a Dom/me top or dom drop). You can read more about it in the first and second posts in this series (or the third post, if you are a switch). Basically, you are coming down after play, and experiencing a physical reaction linked with changes in body chemicals.
Returning to normality can be a fast and painless experience (often an extremely pleasant experience). But now and then – especially after very intense play – things can get out of sinc and the effects can last for hours, or even days. You may find that you have your worst subdrop experiences after your most intense and wonderful play: what you are experiencing now is literally the fall (“drop’) to earth after extraordinary flight. The withdrawal (or “cold turkey”) after the intoxicating endorphin + adrenalin high of subspace.
Never forget: subdrop is a physical condition. It WILL pass. You can read Wikipedia’s description of the physiological processes here.
SO HOW DO WE DEAL WITH IT?
“I have tried to look for issues on subdrop from an online perspective, but have not found anything yet. “
We deal with this in whatever way works best for YOU. Aftercare is the recovery process at the end of a scene, a term which not only covers dealing with “drop” (if the play partners are experiencing it immediately post scene) but with post scene cleanup, treatment of injuries, and repletion of internal (physical, mental, and/or emotional) resources. Exhaustion is common, as a lot of energy is expended by both partners. But there is also often a need for reassurance, validation and comfort.
Usually aftercare – whether play has occurred real time or online – is provided by the Dom/me (however dominants also require aftercare – you can read about this in the second post in this series). In fact being with your dominant is an important aspect of aftercare because personal physical contact is commonly a part of a submissive’s aftercare requirements. However aftercare can also be provided by a third party – for example, a friend you have informed in advance that you might be needing post play aftercare support. You can read more about third party aftercare in Fetish Diva Midori’s article on aftercare.
Aftercare is still required – and can be very successful – when play partners are apart (for example if they have played online or had a scene via phone), but it does make things more difficult. Communication of each person’s needs and aftercare requirements becomes even more essential, and check ins (when a Dom/me checks in with a sub several times in the days after play) are mandatory for any responsible dominant. Despite this, even if they have received the best aftercare in the world, there is no-one as isolated and completely alone as a sub post play, after their dominant has left.
The fact you are reading this post means you haven’t received the aftercare you need, for whatever reason. So I’m going to start these emergency instructions at the point at which you have disconnected from your dominant online, or your Dom/me (for whatever reason, and possibly after having provided all the aftercare requirements you requested, possibly not) has left you alone in real time. Play (wonderful, high flying play) has finished and you are beginning to feel the first indications that you might crash hard this time. You have concluded your session with thanks and courtesy. You are alone. Its now time to begin your own aftercare rituals.
Everyone’s aftercare requirements are different. You may have a pretty good idea of what you need in terms of aftercare requirements. But on the other hand you may not – you only really get to know what your body requires after you’ve played for a few times. You can read in the first post in this series about how you work out those requirements, and how best to communicate them to your play partner. For now, for those of you reading this for emergency help, here are some general aftercare ideas. You will know best which of these will help:
THE FIRST HALF HOUR…
* If you have played online – or if your real time dominant has not already helped with this – you might like to clean up a little. Wash your hands and face. Visit the loo. Change into spare, comfortable clothes (especially good idea if your injuries are bleeding). Tidy your hair. Don’t forget to take any regular medications.
* Treat your injuries. Clean any open wounds and keep an eye on them re infection. Do you want your marks to show, or not? Remember, how you treat your bruises, cuts etc will influence how you “mark”.
Need to make bruises disappear before heading home? Vitamin E and K cream or arnica gel rubbed on already existing bruises will help. If you see another one starting hop to it quickly and get some ice on it ASAP. For real emergencies find yourself some Heparinoid (LASONIL is one brand name). It improves the blood supply to the skin when applied as an ointment to reduce bruising and inflammation. If marks need to be avoided, a tube of this is worth keeping in your aftercare kit.
* Make sure during this initial recovery period you drink lots of water. Leave food for about 15 minutes but then eat something from your aftercare kit. No aftercare kit? Okay. Here are some of the food items listed as being helpful in the first post in this series:
1. cold fruit juice or high energy sports drink (as well as lots of water)
3. dried fruit and nuts
5. energy bar
6. fresh fruit
7. herbal tea / hot chocolate
* Usually one of the most common aspects of aftercare is TLC. Close contact between Dom/me and sub after play is very important. Subdrop issues apart, many subs want to be cuddled – touched gently after the extremes of play – and reassured as they come back down to reality. Aware that important touch is missing, online dominants will put extra effort into staying online afterwards, talking their sub down, or watching them carefully on cam.
For whatever reason, you are now alone and so you don’t have this support. Don’t worry, there are other things you can do. The most important of these is to make sure you are in a familiar environment where you can relax and heal. So:
* Are you home (if you have been playing online or via phone) or do you have to travel home? If the latter, how are you getting there? Are you okay to leave the premises? Have you come out of subspace properly? Try checking the size of your pupils in a bathroom mirror. Allow a good half hour or so – drink lots and have something to eat before you leave. Consider taking a taxi (or ringing a friend to pick you up and drive you home) if you still feel spaced out.
THE NEXT FEW HOURS…
Let’s assume you are now home. And you are not feeling too brilliant. Your emotions are all over the place, you can’t get warm, you feel dreadfully alone. What to do??
Get comfortable. Head for your most comfortable couch, change into your pyjamas and furry socks … relax, its time to put yourself first for a while and listen to what your body needs:
* Feeling freezing cold? You might have felt the same way after donating blood to the Red Cross, or having a body piercing. Or are you feeling way too hot? Endorphins and adrenalin are confusing your internal “thermostat”. So wrap up warmly. Or have a warm bath or shower – these will provide both warmth and comfort. Its definitely bubble bath time. If you are too hot, keep your fluid intake up (LOTS of water), move to a cooler part of the house, or perhaps outside if there is a breeze.
* Mostly “drop” is caused by your endorphin levels dropping too low after being raised during play (via application of pain). However some people experience too many rather than too few endorphins – if you feel your system needs to purge endorphins try stretching, a few minutes of yoga, or grab some bondage rope from your toy box and make a skipping rope. What you are trying to do is increase lymphatic flow. You’ll know the endorphins are decreasing when you become more aware of aches & pains throughout the body. Once your blood chemistry returns to a ‘normal’ level you will feel better
* Dommes and female subs: if your drop is unexpectedly severe, check where you are on your menstrual cycle. Subdrop symptoms are sometimes described by female subs as being similar to how they feel before a period (no concentration, irritable, weepy etc) while Dommes experience more “top drop” the week before their period (Miss Bonnie: “I drop at rapid speed, become all emotional and I’m the one that needs support after the scene ends”). If you are feeling especially lousy you may have accidentally hit yourself with a double dose of the hormonal blues – so do keep this in mind next time you plan a play date
* Keep drinking lots of water. Food is also important. You probably need more now than that snack you had from your aftercare kit. The goal is to stabilize your blood sugar levels, which might have spiked with sweet snack foods like chocolate and biscuits etc (and any other items you’ve “grazed” from your fridge since returning home. You now need meat, vegetables, etc but if cooking is completely beyond you, Sir Real suggests you prepare something like a cheese sandwich on whole grain bread.
Can’t even cope with making a sandwich? Try a glass of milk – being rich in calcium, potassium, and magnesium it’s particularly useful in fighting depression. No milk in the fridge? Try orange juice or an energy drink – anything with B vitamins will help lift your mood. Avoid soda!
* Many people recommend taking nutritional supplements in the days after play to reduce “drop” and promote healing. Sir Real suggests:
“B-Complex vitamins … folic acid … B6 and B12 to manufacture neurotransmitters, chemicals that control alertness and mood by speeding nerve signals through the brain. Vitamin C and the minerals magnesium, calcium, zinc, iron, manganese, and potassium all play a role in healing the body and fighting depression and moodiness”.
* What about natural remedies for lifting drop induced depression? Sir Real recommends adding:
“St John’s Wort to your regimen. This is a well known mild anti-depressant supplement that you can buy in any drugstore on the vitamin isle. Although it’s not as effective as prescription drugs for treating clinical depression, it can be effective for mild depression”.
* Not everyone wants to curl up in bed when dealing with “drop”. If exercise if what your body craves then go for it. Take a walk. Swim. A workout at the gym will quickly increase your endorphin levels.
* If you feel like being social, then absolutely follow your aftercare requirements and go out with friends, see a movie, have fun – but don’t overdo it. Immediately post scene it would be a good idea to avoid alcohol and recreational drugs as these deplete vitamins and stuff your blood sugar levels around. The amount of body chemicals your system is dealing with post play, I promise you will achieve a natural social interaction high on fruit juice and energy drinks alone lol.
* Prefer your aftercare alone, and still feeling down? You might like to head for bed – apart from the fact many of us associate bed with comfort, security and warmth, sleep will help alleviate feelings of depression. Or try meditating. No experience? Not a problem – try this 30 minute step by step guide to practicing stress management meditation.
* Of course many of these ideas revolve around the concept that you have the option to be alone. But what if you have to cope with “drop” and a real life that involves everything but peace and quiet. Its impossible to put yourself first when you have a family to feed, and real life commitments that can’t be put off.
The lesson to learn from this is that now you know you may experience drop, you need to make allowances for it in real life. Make sure you get home BEFORE the after school hordes, so that you can take time to relax and refocus, to re-centre yourself. If thats impossible this time, then there’s nothing for it but to turn on your autopilot and get through your day – try these practical tension reducing ideas for a little relief. Your own time for aftercare comes when your household is asleep.
* An important part of any aftercare ritual is mutual reassurance and validation . Don’t ignore this side of things because you are on your own. Affirm gratitude to your body for its submission / tolerance for pain. Admire your marks (take some photos). Remind yourself how well you did during play, of the kind words your dominant had for you, how pleased they were with you, how proud. Speaking of your Dom/me...
The article is long it goes on to list....
*Missing your Dom/Me badly? Feeling abandoned?
*What can you do if you simply can’t reach your Dom/me, for whatever reason?
*Don't want to be alone?
*Still feeling fragile /down the next day?
*Day 2 and still not 100%?
*Words from other's that might help.
*How do you avoid this feeling in the future?
I take no credit for this article, I was browsing last night and came across it. It's a fountain of information too good not to pass along. Especially considering the asks from anons a lot of yall receive from people not receiving aftercare.
To those new to the scene:
It is my opinion and that of every legitimate Dom and Sub I know that aftercare is essential, Id personally say its a requirement.
Just a thought-
If you aren't giving/receiving aftercare you need to take a hard look at your dynamic, do some independent research and get advice from those with experience in the lifestyle.
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