professional's guide to depression

    1. Hide it. 1.A. Whatever you do, hide how you feel. 1.B. When people ask how you are, lie. 1.C. I mean who cares how you feel anyway? No need to bother them.

    2. Feel worthless 2.A. Feel useless too 2.B. Consider how ineffectual all of your efforts are; review the efforts you make and the lack of results they produce 2.C. Question what value you have and what point there is to you if you ultimately make no difference

    3. When people say they do care how you feel: 3.A. They shouldn’t, you’re not worth it. 3.B. Assure them that you’re ok. 3.C. If you can, fake a smile, that usually does a good job of telling people you don’t want to talk about it. Most are polite and stop. 3.D. Remember that you’re not their problem, but don’t tell them that. People hate helplessness and when they see you feel helpless it upsets them, so they try to help. See 1.)

    4. Keep doing normal things 4.A. If you stop going to work or eating or stuff people will know, and it will bother them. 4.B. Besides, it doesn’t matter if you do them or not, so you might as well. 4.C. When you do do them, try and pretend to feel like it matters. This helps reassure people and helps with 1.)

    5. Try to avoid laughter and happiness 5.A. Sadness, misery and hopelessness are a lot less painful than disappointment. 5.B. Try to avoid things that make you feel better, because when you do the disappointment of transitioning back to sadness and hopelessness will hurt a lot more than just staying sad/hopeless/miserable in the first place. 5.C. When people say jokes, even if they don’t seem at all funny, try and pretend to laugh or at least smile. It’s rude and hurtful to the joke-maker not to.

    6. If there’s something you haven’t tried to do yet that, it is a risk. 6.A. It’s easy to have doubts that you might be able to do something if you haven’t failed at it yet, so attempt it immediately. 6.B. It’s much less painful to get it out of the way now and verify your inability than to let the natural nascent hope that all humans are programmed to feel fester in your subconscious. 6.C. The sooner the disappointment the less there is to disappoint. 6.D. Procrastinating is acceptable, because doing this is hard; however procrastination really just lets people persuade you to have more hope than you should so that it hurts more when you fail.

    7. It your friends don’t have problems, maybe make some that do. 7.A. It’s much easier to stay sad/hopeless when you’re unable to help other people with their problems than it is just to be unable to solve your own. 7.B. After all, you don’t matter, so it’s pretty irrelevant if you can’t solve your own problems. 7.C. Not being able to help other people with their problems is a much better indicator of your genuine lack of value.

    8. Don’t commit suicide. 8.A. It seems like an easy justification to make; you don’t have any value, you just bring pain in to the world. 8.B. That’s an inaccurate assessment though; people have weird attachment issues and get incomprehensibly more hurt by your suicide than they do just by how you constantly disappoint them. 8.C. It’s hard to live, but it’s not fair to everyone else to subject them to the pain of your death. 8.D. You may think no one cares; you’re wrong. It can be impossible to see, but there are at least a few people who will be deeply hurt by your suicide. It’s true that no one should care, but people care anyway, even when you can’t see it at all. Trust me, your death will really hurt someone; life is unfair like that. 8.E Remember, you are not their problem, and killing yourself will hurt them a lot even if it helps you end your pain. Don’t be selfish.