I’m reposting the text here from Baggy Bum which was flagged recently and will put the pics from it on my Instagram - realkatannauk. I have a feeling it was the diaper pic but it’s confusing as the post was live and fine for about six months. I’ll also try to post something new shortly but I’ll separate any pics from the text this time.
I’m pretty lazy with this blog these days and I’m sorry. It’s just that I never know if what I post will be flagged and that’s enough to put me off bothering a lot of the time. Just the weight of things that I’ve made the effort to document with handbag cam and all the pictures I’ve taken after public incidents feels like it was a waste of messy scrutiny unless I start documenting it all here. Before I totally succumb to defensive emotional amnesia and forget the intricacies of how I felt at the time.
This was pretty recent and I’d ordered some trousers from a cheap website that sells on unsold items from larger mainstream suppliers. So cheap that every time I order I get at least three new items. The one’s in question were too big though and I couldn’t be bothered to return them so they became destined for imminent destruction.
I’ve been finding it harder to hold on from going to the toilet for long periods of time over the previous year but with a few dietary alterations and supplements I seem to be having pretty large incidents with just a two day hold now. And the less time I hold the mushier and less controllable it is if I get the diet right.
So just take it as a given that pretty much every post will continue to involve some sort of shopping excursion. Mostly anyway. I’ve had a few this year that weren’t and were still very public. Local Festivals etc. But there’s no privacy apart from porta loo’s which are gross. And handbag cam becomes pointless as there are no mirrors outside usually. It’s not an easy covert operation on this budget. I need an invisible silent drone that follows me. Please invent and post me one.
Anyway, I jumped on a train on a lovely warm sunny day wearing a big tena slip over various protective layers of pants and rolled up tights and it all felt very secure. I would have looked pooped before I’d even began though as it was all so poofy and baggy so I tied a top around me for the main journey. I’d been desperate since I’d woken up and struggled on the train. My tum was making low down gurgle noises and sitting wasn’t helping to reduce the pressure much.
A few stops away from where I’d get off a painful wave of pressure hit and I got pretty hot and bothered. The train wasn’t particularly busy and was well ventilated so I stopped resisting briefly to see if I could pass any gassiness to reduce the pressure. Lifting one side of my bottom I relaxed and made a disgusting muffled sound. It took me by surprise and I would have probably laughed if it wasn’t for the fact that I was now definitely pooping. I managed to regain control but it was all unusually intense in my stomach. Like there was a balloon in there that needed urgent deflating. I always aim not to mess until I’ve actually had a chance to do some normal shopping but sometimes it becomes too much too soon. It was another useless train without any toilets so the panic was rising slightly as although it wasn’t really busy, there were still a fair few noses in the carriage. And then the smell hit from the squished mushy warm lump already in my pants. Even through the diaper it was pretty potent.
I was way more protected than usual and it gave me confidence but I knew my remaining time on the train would distort physics and become at least twenty minutes longer. Identical to being on a treadmill at the gym. It would have been a serious situation already if not for the thick diaper that I’m pretty sure I put on the right way this time. I untied my top and put it over my lap along with my handbag to add some possibly useless smell barriers. They didn’t stop the pressure though.
At the next stop my fear of train passengers was crystallized perfectly. A group of teenage boys and girls came and sat a few seating blocks away from me broadcasting their advanced music tastes from some sort of a blue tooth amp. And after about ten seconds I heard them all agree that ‘it stinks in here’.
I’m getting quite used to staring out of a train window wondering why we’re not going faster. And fiddling with my phone to look as if I’m doing something when I’m actually just swiping home screen pages back and forth. More crampy gurgles began and I resigned myself to the fact I was probably going to totally lose it soon. Everything was going relatively well until the train arrived at my stop and I had to stand up. As soon as I did, everything started moving south and standing up was like opening a full up bin on a hot summers day. The smell intensified ten fold. In the midst of this increasingly distorted timewarp I limped down the carriage to the train doors as a wave of urgency absolutely enveloped me, then stood at the doors with suspiciously crossed legs waiting for the train to slow down which took about four hours. Lots of the other passengers were now coming to the doors and I was surrounded and about to erupt.
It was a case of damage limitation and the only plan I had was to try and hold on until the train announcement of the station started which might provide some audio camouflage. Unfortunately that didn’t work and I quite simply exploded in front of whoever was behind me. Even under the diaper and the top that was tied around me again now, it was an unmistakable long drawn out sound. I remember a particularly nasty moment when the flow was interrupted by some chunkier mess. Just before the doors opened it gave way to some very mushy poop and it was so bubbly. The large surface area of wet warmth on my skin confirmed it was a disaster. I just wanted out now and was hopelessly embarrassed. I heard some laughs and whispers behind me as I was finishing and just tried to remain still and not make it too obvious what was happening. As the smell took hold, finally the doors opened and I was released but having not acclimatised to my new limited movement range yet, the step off the train caused an issue. The rolled up tights weren’t doing their job and I felt a potentially significant leak. I shot away from the main stream of traffic and witnesses behind me and realised walking wasn’t going to be easy without waddling. I found some space and calmed down, then decided I needed to find a toilet and stabalise the leak situation somehow.
Getting out of the station and up to the highstreet was an awkward affair. The top didn’t totally cover my bottom and I could feel the leak wetting through my trousers a little on the left. Reaching a large clothing store in the shopping centre was an incredible relief. Aisles and aisles of clothes barriers to badly stealth my way around away from people.
Until I looked in the store mirrors I hadn’t really noticed how see through my trousers were at the back and that plus the huge bulge made my heart skip. It’s hard to see the leak here but it was getting worse and needed to be investigated so I kept moving towards another large store that had sparsely visited toilets and I went into a baby change/toilet unit.
I was finally in private at least which helped to clear the panic away and I remembered the mission statement of this walk which was the total annihilation of these trousers. My idea was to remove the diaper and walk in just pooped pants for a while and keep the diaper in a relatively undestroyed state for later use if needed.
And so I whipped it off, wrapped it in a few plastic bags and just about managed to stash it in my handbag. Underneath the pants and tights were already stained though after weeing intermittently following the messing.
I left the stink room and suddenly became aware that I still needed to wee and it was fairly pressing. Normal shopping was off the agenda now and so I headed up to the main shopping centre toilets. It felt easier to walk without the diaper but I knew my trousers were suffering badly. There was a small queue for the ladies there and even though I had the top tied around me I was getting a few funny looks. I hadn’t been there long enough for anyone to pin the stink on me yet so it was confusing. It was resolved when I saw in the mirror that the top was hanging badly and slightly caught up leaving one side of my bottom rather visible. I wasn’t really in the mood for more humiliation after the train so that was slightly emotionally jarring. Especially the way they looked at me. A sort of pity meets repulsed expression this time.
In the toilets I pulled down my trousers and realised there wasn’t an option of taking down my underwear to wee. And also way too messy to attempt a wee out the leg side of the underwear and tights. I was getting too desperate to care so in the end I just wet myself while sitting on the toilet. And that’s where I stayed for about ten minutes waiting for it all to drain. The smell was horrible and I felt like a total mess.
In line with my - destroy the trousers - intentions, I’m afraid the diaper stayed off when I pulled my trousers back up and got out of there. Only having walked for a few minutes I saw in another store mirror that the plan was becoming remarkably successful. Too successful.
I can’t imagine how mortified I’d have been without that top as a cover but it was becoming increasingly less effective as the damage increased. It was time to retreat. Everything was getting unsustainable, even if I’d used the diaper again I still worried about total leg leakages which just can’t be hidden. I don’t mind being seen pooped under controlled circumstances like in a toilet but I don’t like it when I’m out in the chaotically busy public and just can’t control all the possible angles of sight. I have too much experience with that and adrenaline turns to pure panic.
It was a nervy walk. There were people absolutely everywhere and all I could do was hug the side of the highstreet and dangle my bag over my bum. And in the station my heart exploded when I saw police. Walk casually forwards, act normally, fiddle with your phone. If my top had fallen off then I’d have had an extremely awkward day. That has happened, not in front of police thankfully. I was walking through another shopping centre totally pooped and my top untied itself and fell on the floor without me noticing. Someone called me back and a group of people saw. Indescribable cringe. I’ll try to find it.
Slight digression; the train thankfully had toilets this time which were a relief after another timewarp waiting at the station exacerbated by a late train. I just rushed into them and hid for the entire journey that only took 15 minutes this time for some reason.
Well nearly the entire journey. Just before my stop I left the toilets a bit too early and would have gone back in if it was busy but it wasn’t. I could only see a few people the other end of the train so I put my bag on the small seat table and tried better lighting.
I didn’t go for a nature walk afterwards or get decent pics I’m afraid. Too messy and chaffy in those trousers. They washed pretty well but I don’t think they’ll ever be totally white again. I generally don’t like baggy stuff so I doubt I’ll wear them ever again. I did end up reusing the diaper on another walk soon after but that’ll have to wait for another post.
Genuinely losing control before you’d planned to did make this walk feel like a real accident. And being protected gave me a little more confidence but in my experience, the stink is the really embarrassing element of this ridiculous behavior and diapers don’t do much to abate it. I felt far more stressed having an accident on the train though. I don’t know why but it feels more excusable flooping in a queue for the toilet. People are usually kind. Not everyone and not always but recently some people have been so nice to me. Maybe it’s just because I’m nearly used to toilet line accidents and not so familiar with other scenarios. Either way I know it’s gross. And I know this will all read like madness to anyone who doesn’t want to understand it.
Thank you for reading. I won’t finish with promises of more posts really soon. But I do intend to start working on decreasing the back log :p