Another tumblr kill-bot detection test and a quick post. This was a mushy accident from last year. I haven’t posted much from last year at all really, namely due to another loss of control regarding the size of my derrière but I’m starting to tame it with more regular gym sessions. I liked these trousers and nearly kept them for normal use but that was ruined by a hangover and an extremely desperate Sunday morning away from home after staying with a friend and having eaten too much Indian food. Instead of going to the toilet before I left, I held on and went shopping to see what would happen. This happened, obviously, but it was more exciting than a fully planned accident (placcident, sometimes a plaxident). I doubled up on underwear but it still soaked through into my trousers, made worse by the drive home afterwards. While walking to the shops, the initial gassiness quickly turned into little accidents and it became immediately clear this was going to be crampy and mushy. I was considering aborting the mess and dashed to the toilets on the top floor of a department store but didn’t make it and started pooping more heavily. It wasn’t as bad as the Christmas mess a year ago when I lost control while waiting for the toilets but it was still quite traumatic as I was pooping as I entered the toilets and got pinned to the spot by cramps just before reaching a cubicle. People at the basins saw this flustered failure as I exploded quite loudly. It suddenly filled up my pants and it felt very hot as I hobbled out of sight into the cubicle. I heard a voice asking if I was ok which was nice, but I clearly wasn't and just wanted to finish without having a conversation about it. I said it was just an upset stomach and I'd be fine, thanking her away. I stood there for about five minutes in the cubicle as the cramps and smaller surges gradually subsided. The stink was obviously beyond any normal toilet poop so it was time to eject but I knew I had no cut tights to protect me from leaks. The poop was horribly hot and spicy against my skin so getting back to the car was nervy :/ Most the time when I'm protected and the mess isn't quite so horrific I can walk quite normally with messed pants but this time I was restricted and had to walk in a much more cumbersome manner, making it even more obvious. Quite a stinky, but nevertheless, exciting day.

I'm still a little undecided about how active I'll be this year. It's quite a weight of shame to bare and it keeps getting heavier. I'm now having weeks at a time where I'm amazed I managed to let such a ridiculous hobby enslave me. It seems to be linked to alcohol perhaps. I don't usually have a whole month without drinking but it certainly sobers everything up, especially how I feel about myself in light of all this. It becomes harder to pacify and I keep thinking of it when I look in the mirror or when I'm in normal professional life. The adrenaline and thrill plus the stealth required to get out of it without debilitating traumatic memories mixed with the wholly sensory nature of a desperate walk is like a drug. Abstaining for a month left me thinking I don't actually need this in my life. It's not necessary. And then in February I started having weekend drinks again and without much thought, my pants were soon full again :/

And so I yo-yo again, predictably

Happy pooping x