06/04/20

We’re still allowed out for a walk here, once a day, as exercise but I’m not sure where the government stands on ruining jeans. I hope this doesn’t come across as being ignorant to the severity of the worldwide situation. Like many people I suffer from anxiety quite badly. My baseline stress levels at rest are quite high and it doesn’t take much to tip them into panic. In the most ironic way, having an accident away from people out in nature reset everything for me, briefly. It was like stepping into another world; everything melted away for a while and it was just me, the woodland and the light. And then a bit of a stink.

It’s not the virus that’s tipping me currently, it’s something a bit heavier than the approaching clouds and much closer to home but that in addition to the extra threat the virus poses has left me in a kind of psychological lockdown. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly advanced with mindfulness. I know enough to become an observer and to some extent, mediator, of the trends and patterns of thoughts that lead to negative and destructive emotional states but currently, it’s not possible to exhale with the acceptance of having no control over anything. That’s professional meditation and I’m no where near. It’s like I’m trying to justify the above jeans annihilation but it was about as close to mental peace as I’ve been for a few months now. Just pure escapism.

With so much shopping nonsense last year it’s like I nearly forgot about one of the main reasons I started doing this. It was always private, ironically serene and acutely focused on being alone in nature with the space to let go of literally everything. Social distancing has handed that to us all on a plate. Those of us lucky enough to be close to woodlands and space anyway. But I imagine the lockdown here will become more severe with no excuse to be out except shopping or essentials. Maybe that’s why I held for three days and then exploded in my pants. More a potentially last dose of this most bizarre form of meditation for a while rather than the thrill seeking habit that it mutated into over the past few years.

Dogs are still an issue. They just hone in on me at the worst possible times. How do they know? On this walk I was quite relaxed apart from the incredibly oppressive weight inside me screaming to get out. And when the time came, I was in a nice old area of forest with fallen trees to put my bags on, away from the main paths and a dog still managed to find me. The owners weren’t far behind and if this wasn’t a planned messing, the dog would have directly caused me to have an accident as I had to uncross my legs and leave, trying to get away from them all right at the peak of urgency. I started messing my pants as I walked awkwardly away, with the dog glued to my bottom. As minimal as the risk is, someone unknowingly carrying the virus could have touched the dog and the dog was definitely touching me. It shattered the serenity and by the time I’d tempered the owners apologies and their repeatedly unsuccessful shouts to call the dog away, I was a total stinking mess. It all came out awkwardly and my jeans were quite tight causing some to squish out of my pants and onto my leg. I chose the picture above as it shows how I stand when I’m letting a wave of pressure pass and I liked the light. The jeans washed pretty well and are a reasonable fit now as I’ve managed to lose a bit of weight.

It’s left me wanting to mess again. Certainly not the interruption, just how effective it generally is for escaping oppressive forms of stress for an afternoon. Easily worth a pair of pants. I hope everyone is coping. I really fear for people’s psychological health the more this isolation extends. Let’s hope we get the anti virals sorted quickly and that a vaccine is possible. A world without hugs is like a night without day.

Happy pooping x