2019 Excess

I haven't written anything particularly descriptive for a while and although I've had a few nature walks recently, there really isn't that much to describe apart from the almost overwhelming sense of serenity and solace it evokes during times of doom. Quite a few things are causing stress this year with covid being the poisonous cherry crowning the mouldy cake so I'm looking back to around September last year when I was cheerily going about adventures without the clouds. The weather was still nice, low 20's, sunny with a nice sea breeze on this coastal shopping excursion. My mind keeps going back to this one because of a few of the reactions that I can transcribe.

I’ll attempt this post with basic screenshots from handbag cam but the likelihood is that I’ll have to repost it without pics once the kill bots arrive. If so I’ll put them on my instagram too - realkatannauk.

It was an early afternoon at the weekend so the town was absolutely manic. I'd messed here once before after visiting friends so I knew the layout reasonably well but still got pretty lost walking into town as I didn't want to pay something stupid for parking just for a few hours. It was a nice walk though, following a 50 minute drive and a morning of fumbling about thinking of clothes and protection whilst trying not to have a premature accident. I'd managed to hold for two days and did normal diet planning with a few fibre supplements. It was urgent as soon as I got up so it wasn't a very nice drive but getting out of the car in the sunshine, being parked at least a twenty minute walk out from the centre caused a sense of nervous excitement making the pain worth bearing. I felt oppressively full and didn't really know the way but just thought it's in the direction of the sea over there somewhere so let's try that. It was just a black top, blue jeans with a single layer of stripey red and white underwear. I'd brought cut tights, more underwear and a pull up if I'd need to add them as security but just wanted to be normally dressed to start with this time, hence the slight jitters. My delusive sense of direction brought me out way down the beach which added another ten minutes, having to stop a few times by a fence away from the flow of people along the promenade to covertly postpone going into labour. The closer I got to the shopping centre the gassier I was feeling but it felt like I'd poop if I'd risk it. I reached the back end of the shopping centre and worked my way in through the large multi story car park which was confusing but I just followed others until I found the main concourses and shops, emerging on the second level where I headed straight into a department store. The place was absolutely heaving with people which caused my nerves to flare as I knew it wouldn't be easy checking out the shopping I'd wanted without risking having an accident. They had a jacket I'd had my eye on online but the price wasn't reduced anymore which was simultaneously a disappointment and a relief as I'd have had to buy it, most probably causing a stink in the process. I remember just after I rejected the jacket, I started browsing underwear and it had a nearly immediate psychophysical effect on me. Just looking at pants awoke the urgency that had subdued while browsing seriously for jackets and I found myself glued to the spot with rigid crossed legs trying to resist an ambush of pressure. It went from zero to a million in 10 seconds and I very nearly lost control, holding my breath and trying not to look like I was nearly pooping. As it gradually subsided I  was seriously doubtful I'd be able to hold on during the next wave of pressure and made my way directly to the main centre public toilets. My anxiety and nerves started to negatively feedback, increasing my worry butterflies and tummy pressure. The nature of the urgency pointed clearly towards a loose, messy poop and I could feel my bottom was becoming squishy as I walked. With every step I could feel it touching and sticking to my underwear more. It soon became a genuinely desperate pace to reach the toilets and add protection against the inevitable mush. The shopping centre has a large sign indicating toilets but then you enter a very long corridor off the concourse and the toilets are a tease being right at the end. I bolted in but immediately hit traffic and was forced to walk quite slowly. There were some elderly people up ahead and they were rather slow. The problem was that the more slowly I walked the greater the urgency seemed to be and in no time at all I was walking very rigidly and beginning to have an accident. With every step I'd lose control a little more and as I approached the toilets, everyone stopped quite abruptly and I could immediately smell the situation I was in. I tried to wait with my back to the wall and stood with tightly crossed legs, fiddling with my phone and trying not to appear like I was the source of the stink as an increasing amount of warmth started to spread over my bottom. People around me were equally as distressed by the wait and I heard someone say the toilets were being cleaned. My stomach suddenly started cramping and I instinctively held my bottom which is when I realised it was already feeling bulgy and wet in places. Behind me I heard a lady say 'someone's sh*t themself' and immediately I involuntarily gave in to the pressure briefly and lost control of a large surge of warm soft serve which came out with a blop. It was so obvious that I quietly cursed and held my bottom which didn't really help my intent to remain covert. Still with my back to the wall I remember being shocked and relieved in equal measure but I had to cross my legs again as I wasn't done and with no sign of the queue moving at all, this was bad. I felt incredibly panicked as the strong smell took hold and I glanced back to see maybe 10 more people waiting behind me already, including some millennials whispering to each other and looking at me. One was holding her nose. I'd been totally rumbled and couldn't face standing there stinking any longer with the uncertainty of the wait. I had to give their noses some respect and in a slight fluster, darted back past them all to a chorus of giggling and a fake gag. I probably deserved it and was now quite seriously pooped in the middle of the shopping centre. I retreated to a quieter department store private toilet to examine the situation and the mess had started to show through my jeans. The panic meant I was all sweaty too. I wish more shopping centres could adopt better air conditioning.

image

Just after using handbag cam, someone knocked on the door and I couldn't hold someone up who might need the toilet more. This scuppered my plans to reinforce my underwear and I left the private toilet in total shame of the smell that the person would have to witness. Hopefully no worse than a normal poop. I went straight into the other toilets where three women who looked in their 30's were waiting and I stood 'patiently' sweating behind them for a little while but when someone else entered the already claustrophobic small toilet I panicked and walked ahead to the basins, trying to hide my bottom - but I didn't have my cardigan tied around me still as it was so hot. I immediately heard a badly whispered "she sh*t herself" from one of the three women and another woman washing her hands looked over and groaned. I think I probably could have gotten away with a queue jump considering my situation but I felt too crowded in there and just had to leave, especially following the stink groan. I headed for the food court toilets and remember how cringy the busy, slow motion escalator was that I couldn't walk straight up due to traffic. People who'd joined behind me stood too close so I stood sideways to try and shield them from any horror but they must have smelled me. The food court with big name fast food outlets and cafe's was packed and the main memory of this walk was now approaching. I hobbled into a corridor that leads away from the food court and winds around to the toilets and this I already realised was a bad plan as it was busier than the main toilets. Half way down as I hit human traffic and the beginning of another wait I heard two voices coming from behind me. Firstly two woman exchanging omg's. Then one of them elaborated with purposeful volume by advising others in the vicinity, "oh my god, gross, no, do not walk around here'', and continuing to clarify the situation I heard another intently loud, public broadcast. "She's had a huuuuge poo in her trousers". Then she concluded with "what is the matter with her? She needs a toilet already". Thanks for the studious advice, I'm clearly trying to get to a toilet here. My heart raced but I continued normally. The people she'd been advising to stay back ignored her and her friend and followed me to the queue where again I waited with my back to the wall. It was similar to the situation in the christmas pants present post, only this time everyone knew thanks to the kind, thoughtful and empathic creatures who so enthusiastically precipitated this information on everyone within a ten mile radius. It was like they were trying to score points off me but I was too panicked to take it all in and was trying to focus on hiding my bottom. However in no time at all the bottom in question had suffered the final assault of nerves and suddenly I felt a decisive surge of poop quickly spread everywhere in my pants. The urgency had become clouded by the panic and it all happened suddenly. It crackled and I felt it spread all up my front. I wet myself slightly also. The world was now just a big stink with me at the centre. Game over. One lovely person waiting near me asked if I was ok. I bumbled something about having a funny tummy and shortly after gave up waiting again due to the stink and departed the queue with no other intention apart from - get the hell out of here right now. I had to walk past the women who'd so kindly brought my plight to public attention and gave them a fake smile. Part of me wanted to wait by them to distribute some aromatic karma but obviously that part of me only thought of it afterwards. I headed back to the department store private toilet which was occupied so yet again I had to wait with people constantly passing by. I focussed on my breathing and tried to calm myself. The poop was lava against my skin. Eventually a woman of similar age exited without making eye contact, when I entered I smelled why. It stank worse than me. I tended to private things trying to abate any UTI risks and also turned on handbag cam to document how ridiculous I looked.

image
image

Awkwardly, I pulled up my pullup over the messed pants and eventually tied my cardigan around me. It was time to escape from samsara. Although I did stop at a huge clothes shop that I hadn't seen here before; only for 5 minutes to check out deals but handbag cam showed that it hadn't gone unnoticed. When I leave it recording I often see people staring at my bottom. I'm definitely not as covert with pooping as I should be. 

image

The long walk back caused a rash that took a week to heal up although the drive really wasn't so bad. It's only when you walk that rashes hurt in my experience. I feel like it was probably my most eventful messing last year. There were so many legitimate reasons to have made the accident plausible with all the crescendo's in urgency as I walked to different toilets only to be caught short by queues. What is the mechanism in the brain that allows your body to relax and cause urgency just as you're on the way to a toilet? I haven't researched it but I certainly seem to like taking advantage of it in busy places where it's likely to be betrayed. It's like my equivalent of when you arrive home and suddenly need the toilet, and then your key breaks in the front door. But in assessment of the two women who seemed out to get me, all I can say is just wait, It'll happen to you, sooner or later and when it does, ask yourselves how much you'd appreciate people blaring it out to everyone around like walking megaphones, broadcasting to the public the universally essential gossip about how you've pooped your pants. I have a fairly thick skin with this stuff after all the practice but if it was a normal genuine accident and I wasn't addicted to messing, I think that would have scarred me for life. So in this continuously bizarre social empathy experiment I can say that reactions continue to be mixed but on the whole - kind. It's very rare that people actively go out of their way to cause you even further pain and I put those two women in the much room for personal development category for their age group. It is slightly infuriating that they don't know that they should know better but everyone's on their own path. Some just hit a road block and their potential to be a humane human seems to dry up. I confess that recently I have had a similar incident. Normal shopping got transformed by a semi planned mess when I realised how social distancing is impacting public toilets. I've never witnessed such sudden and long queues as shopping centres close toilets for regular cleaning along with closing every other cubicle. On the same day I witnessed something that I've been secretly craving for karmic reasons. A queue for the men's that was longer than the one for the ladies! Oh how the tables have turned HAAHA!!  xx

Thank you for reading and happy pooping :)