Just an update. I’m just about on the other side of a good three weeks worth of self disgust. Looking at this habit through the coldest of eyes. That’s what it’s like to be normal I imagine. Posts are becoming less frequent because of that mainly, but also because the few walks I’ve had this side of August have been repeats or at least very similar to previous posts. The doom has lifted briefly. I have to say I’m happier on a day to day basis when I just accept that I’m a habitual shame addict. But the extent to which I’ve acclimatized myself to unhealthy doses of humiliation over the previous three years shows that change needs to happen. Be it moderation or finally facing the music that this isn’t a tune that can continue forever. To be precise, having just counted, I’ve pooped myself in public more than a hundred and fifty times since 2017. This is far beyond any therapists remit. So just stop I tell myself. So I do, and then I feel like the sun is never coming back out. Maybe I can quit for winter. That used to work.

This was the result of a relapse after a month without having had an accident. Too much diet planning, too much poop. I paused in full stealth mode for about 5 seconds trying to get a reflection of the damage, but clearly this failed to be very stealthy at all as I didn’t notice the woman at the time. She did a full 180 degree inspection of my bottom as she passed. And then she started touching her bottom which I thought was strange.

Again, the actual incident took place during a long wait for the toilet, surrounded by people, creating an awkward stink, and having to stand there like that while my brain slowly exploded. You can literally feel all the eyes. I didn’t give up on waiting and run off in a fluster like I normally do. I saw the wait all the way through, pointlessly, until I got into a cubicle where I stood for 5 minutes working with about 9% brain. I didn’t wear enough protection and the accident forced some mess into my jeans on one side. I tried to clean it out but it was just too disgusting to attempt in public. After the reflection, the walk back down the highstreet resulted in a few giggles and comments but my mind was more focused on the pain that the leg chafe was causing. Rashes are problematic. I suffered from eczema when I was younger but have to keep using that as an excuse.

Work is a little less chaotic during half term so I’ll do my best to post a set of pics with a detailed write up next x

Happy pooping :)