leatherlacedbass

    I'm sorry to bother you. This is probably dumb, but do you have any advice on how to handle sub drop when I haven't done well enough to deserve aftercare? I want to try and be better for Mistress :(

    *****waves red flag around****

     The only thing dumb about this is your Mistress, and the fact you think you don’t deserve aftercare/don’t get proper after-scene care in general. NOT OK. 

    *****waves red flag around****

     I don’t care if you “perform poorly” or end a scene or whatever in your book/their book is considered “ not performing well enough” YOU DESERVE AFTER CARE especially  if something wasn’t 100% flowing thru a scene. Like i feel like if its 100% great you should def have aftercare! or 50% great n 50% shitty and rocky and rough/ not vibeing well with each other today/this scene or what have you i feel like  you should have it even more because feeling like you let down your Dom/Domme/ Owner/ Daddy/Mommy/ etc can be the freaking worst. Like forget all the good feels in the good parts of the scene/play time the thought of disappointment is lot of what us subs focus on and that can be really hard if you’re not reassured you still did well, your best, and that your limits or needs are ok and that stopping a scene or w/e is fully in your control and you should not be made to feel bad for it. OR whatever happened/happens to cause this for you or anyone else. 

     YOU ALWAYS DESERVE AFTER CARE IF YOU WANT IT. I know some don’t care for it, THAT iS THE subs CHOICE. DOMS/DOMMES etc DON’T GET TO SAY “YOU DIDNT PERFORM TO MY STANDARDS NO AFTERCARE AWARD FOR YOU!”

     *****waves red flag around****

    Repeat after me: Aftercare is not a reward it a must. Communication cannot be used as a punishment, either. ie: ignoring you as a punishment/breaking communication/silence as punishment, communication is a tool, a key, not a dom/domme etc control over another—–> same thing aftercare is not a reward its a must, the final scene of your scene. you don’t get to dangle aftercare like a carrot for a bunny to jump thru every hoop properly.  That’s not how this world works. Things go hand in hand. There’s a seemingly large disconnect in the properly functioning domme party of your mistress’ brain, she needs to be made aware of your needs and concerns. if they continue to be lacking in the proper depts. pack you cuffs and gtfo. 

     *****waves red flag around****

    please come talk if you ever have more concerns. 

    agoodlittlesub

    🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
    @toodomforyou

    toodomforyou

    If you as a Dom/me think aftercare is optional, then you are not welcome in the scene. That is part of the Dominant’s role. Don’t like it? Don’t play.

    How DARE you make your submissive feel like they don’t deserve aftercare? That is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself.

    -SD

    brisketbully

    My scenes with submiss aren’t even that intense and we still lay around cuddling and evaluating for an hour or more. What sort of shitty-ass dom doesn’t take care of their subs? In the words of a guy I was training with for melee combat speaking in regards to new trainees, “You don’t break your toys, if you do you can’t play with them anymore.”

    Uuugh.

    leatherlacedbass

    I really like that last part/quite addition with regards to bdsm, thank you. 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

    todancewithfate

    Hold it.

    The sub in question never said their dom didn’t think they deserved after care.

    Subs with low self esteem can and do think they are undeserving of things… no matter how many times the dom says they do. So please don’t jump to conclusions.

    That being said. Aftercare is a must. You do deserve it. No one, not even yourself, should tell you otherwise.

    toodomforyou

    While I agree that the submissive did not explicitly say that their Dom/me said they don’t deserve aftercare, they should never have left that room feeling as though they don’t.

    If you’re a Dom/me and your submissive says “I didn’t do well today, I feel like I don’t deserve aftercare,” it is your DUTY to still give them aftercare and assure them that regardless of performance, aftercare is a given.

    You don’t change negative self-esteem in a day, certainly. But the fact that this Anon even came to tumblr asking this question indicates that their Dominant was lacking somewhere in the aftercare department. Why would this sub be asking this question if they still received the aftercare? The question would be phrased much differently if they did.

    Regardless of your submissive feeling as though they are unworthy of aftercare, (or even Dominants! Both parties need aftercare), you still must provide it. That’s simply how it is. In fact, in that scenario they need it more than ever.

    -SD

    snapper29

    In addition, we need to consider the very REAL possibility that this question was submitted DURING subdrop.  Also is this the first time the questioner dropped?   Aftercare can be given and drop still happen.  Sometimes it happens a day or three later.  We are also assuing that they communicated these feelings to their partner.  Way too often subs feel as if they’re bothering the Dominant partner with such thoughts and are fearful of possible reactions.

    Another thing that has to be taken into consideration is that aftercare can take on a wide variety of appearances.  For one person I scened with they wanted me to lay on them afterwards as if they were a mattress.  For another, they wanted to be completely ignored.  All of us process things differently.  

    Let’s also not forget that Dominants *also* require aftercare.

    leatherlacedbass

    Yeah. Def on that last part too. appreciate EVERY PERSONS INSIGHT/additions to this. We are all different but we all require some care, Dom and sub, whether or not it's communicated it's a Doms job to know when a sub is dropping/not accepting care/feels a let down for some reason//or vs a sub knowing a Dom isn't doing care or performing properly. It's ALL about communication which seems to be not all there between anon and Dom, if they're sending this, I'm guessing it wasn't the first time either? And I just wanna thank everyone that agrees and knows how important this whole topic is from ALL aspects.

    leatherlacedbass

    I'm sorry to bother you. This is probably dumb, but do you have any advice on how to handle sub drop when I haven't done well enough to deserve aftercare? I want to try and be better for Mistress :(

    *****waves red flag around****

     The only thing dumb about this is your Mistress, and the fact you think you don’t deserve aftercare/don’t get proper after-scene care in general. NOT OK. 

    *****waves red flag around****

     I don’t care if you “perform poorly” or end a scene or whatever in your book/their book is considered “ not performing well enough” YOU DESERVE AFTER CARE especially  if something wasn’t 100% flowing thru a scene. Like i feel like if its 100% great you should def have aftercare! or 50% great n 50% shitty and rocky and rough/ not vibeing well with each other today/this scene or what have you i feel like  you should have it even more because feeling like you let down your Dom/Domme/ Owner/ Daddy/Mommy/ etc can be the freaking worst. Like forget all the good feels in the good parts of the scene/play time the thought of disappointment is lot of what us subs focus on and that can be really hard if you’re not reassured you still did well, your best, and that your limits or needs are ok and that stopping a scene or w/e is fully in your control and you should not be made to feel bad for it. OR whatever happened/happens to cause this for you or anyone else. 

     YOU ALWAYS DESERVE AFTER CARE IF YOU WANT IT. I know some don’t care for it, THAT iS THE subs CHOICE. DOMS/DOMMES etc DON’T GET TO SAY “YOU DIDNT PERFORM TO MY STANDARDS NO AFTERCARE AWARD FOR YOU!”

     *****waves red flag around****

    Repeat after me: Aftercare is not a reward it a must. Communication cannot be used as a punishment, either. ie: ignoring you as a punishment/breaking communication/silence as punishment, communication is a tool, a key, not a dom/domme etc control over another—–> same thing aftercare is not a reward its a must, the final scene of your scene. you don’t get to dangle aftercare like a carrot for a bunny to jump thru every hoop properly.  That’s not how this world works. Things go hand in hand. There’s a seemingly large disconnect in the properly functioning domme party of your mistress’ brain, she needs to be made aware of your needs and concerns. if they continue to be lacking in the proper depts. pack you cuffs and gtfo. 

     *****waves red flag around****

    please come talk if you ever have more concerns. 

    agoodlittlesub

    🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
    @toodomforyou

    toodomforyou

    If you as a Dom/me think aftercare is optional, then you are not welcome in the scene. That is part of the Dominant’s role. Don’t like it? Don’t play.

    How DARE you make your submissive feel like they don’t deserve aftercare? That is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself.

    -SD

    brisketbully

    My scenes with submiss aren’t even that intense and we still lay around cuddling and evaluating for an hour or more. What sort of shitty-ass dom doesn’t take care of their subs? In the words of a guy I was training with for melee combat speaking in regards to new trainees, “You don’t break your toys, if you do you can’t play with them anymore.”

    Uuugh.

    leatherlacedbass

    I really like that last part/quite addition with regards to bdsm, thank you. 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

    todancewithfate

    Hold it.

    The sub in question never said their dom didn’t think they deserved after care.

    Subs with low self esteem can and do think they are undeserving of things… no matter how many times the dom says they do. So please don’t jump to conclusions.

    That being said. Aftercare is a must. You do deserve it. No one, not even yourself, should tell you otherwise.

    toodomforyou

    While I agree that the submissive did not explicitly say that their Dom/me said they don’t deserve aftercare, they should never have left that room feeling as though they don’t.

    If you’re a Dom/me and your submissive says “I didn’t do well today, I feel like I don’t deserve aftercare,” it is your DUTY to still give them aftercare and assure them that regardless of performance, aftercare is a given.

    You don’t change negative self-esteem in a day, certainly. But the fact that this Anon even came to tumblr asking this question indicates that their Dominant was lacking somewhere in the aftercare department. Why would this sub be asking this question if they still received the aftercare? The question would be phrased much differently if they did.

    Regardless of your submissive feeling as though they are unworthy of aftercare, (or even Dominants! Both parties need aftercare), you still must provide it. That’s simply how it is. In fact, in that scenario they need it more than ever.

    -SD

    leatherlacedbass

    ^^^^^ yes, exactly, thank you. They shouldn't even feel that way and the aftercare properly give shouldn't make them feel a disappointment or that they didn't deserve it or receive it and or any of that aspect already spoken of.

    anonymous

    Do you have any advice on aftercare? My partner wants to try some more intense scenes, but I want to make sure I can still look after her and make sure she's okay afterward, I'm worried she might drop. Sorry I know that doesn't make much sense :/

    No it makes perf sense! Hmmmmmmmmm…..lets see. Some of mine are gonna be “little” esq bc I’ma little and w/ aftercare i get real little and these are some faves/applicable after dif scenes especially.

    FIRST clean ANY and ALL wounds/broken skin/abrasions. KISS where the rope and cuffs have been, yes everywhere, yes in every place. THIS IS MY FAVE OK. 

    Read– read her fave book to her! get a blanky–or whole fort–and read to her, make up a story even!! thats always cute and fun and helps relax and not think too much. I really love when he reads to me!!

    Bubble bath- bathe with her or bathe her while she’s in herself–extra points if it includes a bathbomb lol (be careful w/ open wounds and certain soaps n things) 

    A special treat- item or action she doesn’t usually get to do/see/have. this is gonna be specific to you, otherwise i could ramble at the options/ideas lol 

    CUDDLESS- LOTS OF CUDDLES like a whole boat load x39235086 snuggles her, swaddle her in her fave blanky and pet her head. rub her back, make her feel happy and loved and cared for and like she did THEE BEST JOB EVER BC SHE DID OK i just like to sit in his lap and have him pet me and snuggle in his chest and breathe in his lovely smell and just relax and revel in the good time I just had 

    MASSAGES- like yum. Make sure it doesn’t hurt where there’s a cut or bruise or something. but after-rope massages are fab. 

    Have a drink- granted this is applicable w/ preference and age, sometimes i love a good, LARGE margarita after lol 

    FOOOOOOD- get some good food, i’m usually warn out after and we like ALWAYS both eat after lol tease her at the table playfully, make her something yummy and keep the positive reassurance flowing w/ the foods.

    Her fave treat- I mean like FAVE not fave candy bar (i mean that could work totally) but go get that girl her fave dessert! Take her out for ice cream and let her pick 524636 toppings or like go get a fancy cute lil thing somewhere like creme brulee or a chocolate torte.. ;)  i clearly just wrote a paragraph on dessert it’s clearly one of my fave after care treats lol 

    TV- or a movie! cuddle up and wind down, you’re both worked up and need some kind, common relief together! 

    Laughing- idk make her happy. reassure her, with words and affection that she did PERF BC SHE DID OK be a dork and make her smile.

    Talk- talk talk talk, when ready. I don’t like to speak directly after a scene my heads all fuzzy and i usually just wanna flop lol but soon after (over fooood maybe heheh)  talk it out, make sure you BOTH had a good time, BOTH liked everything and BOTH want to play that way again. Address if the safeword had to be used and why. talk about your fave parts (both of you) and what could be better/if applicable. Address how well she did (and you!!!) dont forget there is  Dom drop too. 

    (if is a rough scene do like all these and kick up the positive reassurance lol) 

    anonymous

    I'm sorry to bother you. This is probably dumb, but do you have any advice on how to handle sub drop when I haven't done well enough to deserve aftercare? I want to try and be better for Mistress :(

    *****waves red flag around****

     The only thing dumb about this is your Mistress, and the fact you think you don’t deserve aftercare/don’t get proper after-scene care in general. NOT OK. 

    *****waves red flag around****

     I don’t care if you “perform poorly” or end a scene or whatever in your book/their book is considered “ not performing well enough” YOU DESERVE AFTER CARE especially  if something wasn’t 100% flowing thru a scene. Like i feel like if its 100% great you should def have aftercare! or 50% great n 50% shitty and rocky and rough/ not vibeing well with each other today/this scene or what have you i feel like  you should have it even more because feeling like you let down your Dom/Domme/ Owner/ Daddy/Mommy/ etc can be the freaking worst. Like forget all the good feels in the good parts of the scene/play time the thought of disappointment is lot of what us subs focus on and that can be really hard if you’re not reassured you still did well, your best, and that your limits or needs are ok and that stopping a scene or w/e is fully in your control and you should not be made to feel bad for it. OR whatever happened/happens to cause this for you or anyone else. 

     YOU ALWAYS DESERVE AFTER CARE IF YOU WANT IT. I know some don’t care for it, THAT iS THE subs CHOICE. DOMS/DOMMES etc DON’T GET TO SAY “YOU DIDNT PERFORM TO MY STANDARDS NO AFTERCARE AWARD FOR YOU!”

     *****waves red flag around****

    Repeat after me: Aftercare is not a reward it a must. Communication cannot be used as a punishment, either. ie: ignoring you as a punishment/breaking communication/silence as punishment, communication is a tool, a key, not a dom/domme etc control over another—–> same thing aftercare is not a reward its a must, the final scene of your scene. you don’t get to dangle aftercare like a carrot for a bunny to jump thru every hoop properly.  That’s not how this world works. Things go hand in hand. There’s a seemingly large disconnect in the properly functioning domme party of your mistress’ brain, she needs to be made aware of your needs and concerns. if they continue to be lacking in the proper depts. pack you cuffs and gtfo. 

     *****waves red flag around****

    please come talk if you ever have more concerns.