@m--shea
Shea's Domain
Posts
10329
Last update
2020-01-29 04:34:35
    leatherlacedbass

    I'm sorry to bother you. This is probably dumb, but do you have any advice on how to handle sub drop when I haven't done well enough to deserve aftercare? I want to try and be better for Mistress :(

    *****waves red flag around****

     The only thing dumb about this is your Mistress, and the fact you think you don’t deserve aftercare/don’t get proper after-scene care in general. NOT OK. 

    *****waves red flag around****

     I don’t care if you “perform poorly” or end a scene or whatever in your book/their book is considered “ not performing well enough” YOU DESERVE AFTER CARE especially  if something wasn’t 100% flowing thru a scene. Like i feel like if its 100% great you should def have aftercare! or 50% great n 50% shitty and rocky and rough/ not vibeing well with each other today/this scene or what have you i feel like  you should have it even more because feeling like you let down your Dom/Domme/ Owner/ Daddy/Mommy/ etc can be the freaking worst. Like forget all the good feels in the good parts of the scene/play time the thought of disappointment is lot of what us subs focus on and that can be really hard if you’re not reassured you still did well, your best, and that your limits or needs are ok and that stopping a scene or w/e is fully in your control and you should not be made to feel bad for it. OR whatever happened/happens to cause this for you or anyone else. 

     YOU ALWAYS DESERVE AFTER CARE IF YOU WANT IT. I know some don’t care for it, THAT iS THE subs CHOICE. DOMS/DOMMES etc DON’T GET TO SAY “YOU DIDNT PERFORM TO MY STANDARDS NO AFTERCARE AWARD FOR YOU!”

     *****waves red flag around****

    Repeat after me: Aftercare is not a reward it a must. Communication cannot be used as a punishment, either. ie: ignoring you as a punishment/breaking communication/silence as punishment, communication is a tool, a key, not a dom/domme etc control over another—–> same thing aftercare is not a reward its a must, the final scene of your scene. you don’t get to dangle aftercare like a carrot for a bunny to jump thru every hoop properly.  That’s not how this world works. Things go hand in hand. There’s a seemingly large disconnect in the properly functioning domme party of your mistress’ brain, she needs to be made aware of your needs and concerns. if they continue to be lacking in the proper depts. pack you cuffs and gtfo. 

     *****waves red flag around****

    please come talk if you ever have more concerns. 

    enscenic

    What the actual fuck?

    USING AFTERCARE OR LACK THEREOF AS A REWARD/PUNISHMENT IS NOT OKAY.

    ubertea

    Aftercare is extremely important, even with hypnosis. The lack of it is a huge red flag!!

    arihi

    Another post on aftercare with some very informational insights.

    esuccubus

    Seconded. Aftercare, even if it can’t go above brief checking-in and some reassurances, is an essential session outprocessing tool, not a reward. This is actually a form of abuse, and I’d be afraid to know what “doing well enough” entails.

    hypnocuck

    Is everyone clear on this now?

    thepositivity

    To donate £5 to the charity supporting the male victims of domestic abuse, text the message: MKDV46 to 70070

    Click here to watch the video

    yogaboi

    At first I though this was a joke

    hypo-thermic

    Don’t ignore this Tumblr

    kerplunkers

    Yet they still do even when it’s right in their face.

    crystalzephyr03

    MALE. DOMESTIC. ABUSE. IS. A. THING.

    sillysexystupid-deactivated2020

    It makes me really sad and uncomfortable to realize that there are people on here who are genuinely ignorant and dysfunctional and that actually believe themselves to be superior to women. I could post a disclaimer, wash my hands of people who cannot tell the difference between fantasy and reality, and dismiss any effect I or my blog may have on their skewed beliefs, but it doesn’t feel that simple.

    Running this blog, posting some of the things I post - it would be easy for anyone to perceive my fantasy as my reality. Whatever they take away from my blog, I do not want it to justify their distorted views on things. I do not want to validate their assumed position of superiority.

    I don’t know. I’m really disenchanted with all of this tonight.

    brentsirnah

    I think I loose some followers for doing this but I feel like I have an obligation to bring up the issue periodically, even if it is a buzzkill and even if there are women who don’t follow me cause this makes me a “fake” dom. The truth is that it is just too important to relegate it to some tiny forgotten disclaimer somewhere in the FAQs.

    Nobody deserves abuse! that means NOBODY. If it is an exciting sexual fantasy then feel no shame in seeking it out. But no one should be degraded because the deserve it, only if the want it.

    And by the way guys. To tops of all genders and orientation: Can you not see how fucking LUCKY we are that there are subs with the bravery and honesty to seek out the things that it gives us pleasure to provide? To say that you are just showing them the way the world works is both erroneous AND arrogantly dismissive of something that we are lucky to receive. Never forget to notice your good fortune.

    We now return you to your regularly scheduled debauchery.

    theruleset

    I want to break up with my master, the relationship isn't comfortable to me anymore and I've wanted to break things off for awhile. Whenever I try to, he threatens to kill himself. What should I do? I'm completely lost and I feel like I'm in too deep now to stop.

    That’s emotional blackmail, plain and simple. Have some hot lines ready, but you need to end this.

    thewillowrae

    My ex partner was an alcoholic and he would say that I make him drink less and eventually he’d get sober if I stayed with him. He threatened that if I broke up with him that he would drink himself to death. It took me awhile and a lot of support from my friends, but I finally broke up with him. It was the best decision I ever made.

    Don’t ever let anyone manipulate you into staying in an unhealthy relationship.

    m--shea

    ...hm. The comments aren’t showing up on this one. It might be another issue with this dang theme...just in case, here’s what was cut:

    ---

    radrosewolf:

    mxcleod:

    Police abuse their wives, girlfriends, and family members four times more than the national average.

    Research suggests that family violence is two to four times higher in the law-enforcement community than in the general population.

    This is a higher rate than the NFL has.

    Two studies have found that at least 40 percent of police officer families experience domestic violence, in contrast to the 10 percent of families in the general population. A third study of older and more experienced officers found a rate of 24 percent, indicating that domestic violence is two to four times more common among police families than American families in general.

    What makes this even worse is that officers who are found guilty of domestic violence are unlikely to be fired, arrested, or referred for prosecution.

    [Source] | Click here for more posts like this.

    my mom has always told me every friend she had who was married to a cop was cheated on, or their husband was abusive, etc.

    loganmcowen

    Just an experiment. Reblog if you actually give a fuck about male victims of domestic violence and rape.

    Of fucking course

    What sick bastard doesn’t

    xaldien

    “You’d be surprised”, said Xaldien, who just lost four followers and received a lovely “men can’t be raped” anon shortly after reblogging this the first time.

    loganmcowen

    Yowch, disgusting.

    khaleesinotprincess

    That pain is no less relevant when it’s felt by man.

    kittencrush

    Anyone who says men can’t be abused or just need to ’ man up’ I have a message for you. You have OBVIOUSLY never felt the pain that they go through and you need to just shut your mouth.

    masterprofessor-deactivated2017

    Professor, I'm a new sub and found a Dom really quickly. But Sir wants more than I'm ready to give Him. At least right now. During our last session I got scared enough I used the safe word. He went a little longer and then asked me if I was sure I wanted to say that. I told Him yes, and then He made me feel pretty guilty so I did what He wanted but I don't know it just doesn't feel right. What should I have done?

    Okay, so there’s a lot I want to say here, and I think it’s best to do so by recording my thought process as I read through this message:

    “Professor, I’m a new sub and found a Dom really quickly.”

    I can’t say I’m surprised, especially if you got on Fet, CM, Tumblr, or whatever and said anything remotely like “So I’m a new sub ~gigglez~ and I need a Dom.” That’s like throwing chum in the shark tank. The beasts love fresh (innocent and ideally ignorant) meat. So yeah, I have no doubt a predator … ahem, sorry, an eager “training Dom” … found you quite quickly indeed.

    “But Sir wants more than I’m ready to give Him. At least right now.”

    At this point, dear anon, your dashboard should probably be lighting up with warning lights. I know mine is on your behalf. If you’re not ready, you need to tell him. And he needs to respect that. You then move forward in open and honest communication.

    “During our last session I got scared enough I used the safe word.”

    I’m sorry that it got too intense for you. Even with a very experienced Dom and plenty of preparation this kind of thing can happen. Emotions can surge, memories can flood out in surprising ways, or any number of other unexpected events can occur that require the application of brakes. It happens. It’s okay. It need not be the end of anything but that momentary exchange of power. So don’t stress it. The really good thing here is that you were able to use a safe word and thereby put an immediate stop to what was happening …

    “He went a little longer —”

    Wait, what?

    No.

    Oh hell no.

    Safe word doesn’t mean “pump a few more times.” A safe word means stop. Now. Period. End of sentence. Non-negotiable. Crank the emergency break. Pull the parachute. S-T-O-P.

    This is not a gray area. This isn’t subject to discussion. … Oh shit please don’t tell me he tried to talk you into continuing …

    “— and then asked me if I was sure I wanted to say that. I told Him yes —”

    Atta girl. But he’s a total douchebag for making you repeat it. You should never need to repeat a safe word. You should never need to defend its usage. It is your word of power, and when spoken it should be as the voice of whatever god or gods y’all believe in.

    “— and then He made me feel pretty guilty —”

    … so you grabbed his John Thomas and gave it a Silly Putty stretch. Or you squeezed his balls until you felt something pop. Please tell me that’s how this ends. Please. Because at the very least someone needs to kick this manipulating fucker in the testes. Submission is a gift, not a blank check.

    “— so I did what He wanted but I don’t know it just doesn’t feel right.”

    Fucking hell. Of course it doesn’t feel right. Because it is NOT right. Not at all.

    Listen, what separates BDSM kink from physical abuse and sexual assault can be summed up in a single word: CONSENT. And some dickhead’s “I bullied her into yes” is in no fucking way the same as consent.

    “What should I have done?”

    Look, I wasn’t there. I don’t know if you were in a physical position to be able to boot this fucknut’s fucknuts into his vacant chest cavity — which is the sort of thing he deserves. But we can’t redo the past anyway. So with the usual caveats regarding taking advice from an internet stranger who knows little of the full scope of the situation, here’s what I would suggest you do now:

    Drop this guy like the rotten meat he is. Drop him, seal the bag, carry it out to the curbside bin, put the lid on it when you’re done, and then walk away with your head held high, without a glance back or a second thought.

    He is not a Dominant. He is an abuser who uses the excuse of Dominance to further his abuse of (presumably) young women. He does not respect you, he does not protect you.

    Frankly, this should have ended at “he went a little longer” — because fuck no. The core of D/s is trust, and if he cannot be trusted to stop with the utterance of your safe word, he simply cannot be trusted. That he then guilted a new sub into foregoing her every impulse to stop — that he fucking manipulated you so he could finish whatever he was doing with your body … Just no.

    No no no.

    Not a Dominant. Not a human being. Not someone you should be with.

    There are other fish in the sea, anon. It can be hard to find them — I think it’s true that there are more subs than Doms, and it seems like the numbers are getting more lopsided all the time — but the right man, a good man, is surely out there somewhere. Don’t give up your search. Don’t settle for this poor excuse of a parrot dropping.

    And please don’t let this experience taint BDSM for you. It may be that this lifestyle isn’t for you — it certainly isn’t for everyone — but I do not think you can use this very wrong experience to judge it.

    Last, let me reiterate that I am truly sorry you had to experience this. Get help if you are having trouble coping with it. Talking to folks can be scary, but it is almost invariably worth it. If nothing else, connect with some fellow subs in order to share the stories of the road. I’d suggest looking in particular for the intelligent and emotionally mature ones — a number of whom might follow this blog — who recognize that this lifestyle isn’t a kill-or-be-killed rat race, that their victory does not mean your loss.

    Whatever you do, I wish you good fortune and well-being.

    subgirlygirl

    Spot on. Please reblog.

    daddys-bliss

    Exactly! 💋

    sexslavefantasy

    There are so many good lines in here.  lol.

    But seriously, this happens at an alarming frequency.  Sadly there are more subs than Doms (at least in my experience), and there are even fewer good Doms than jackasses like this anon’s ‘Dom’.

    It’s Doms like this that give BDSM a bad name and make a rich, fan fiction writer become, well, rich. 50 Shades did so well partly because this is how main stream society and wannabee doms think bdsm goes…  It’s not…

    You’re better of being a single sub than having a bad ‘Dom’ (read douchebag abuser)

    sexslavefantasy

    Reblogging because this is so goddamn important.  There are a lot of new subs out there being taken advantage of through no fault of their own.  Please inform new subs they can ALWAYS say no.

    babyfun01

    Very important! ~pet

    thekittencouturier

    This is such an important read for all of my sub customers - stay safe!

    sfwlittlekittydomme

    This may not be sfw but it is tremendously important

    m--shea

    In case you haven’t seen this yet, @toodomforyou

    P.S.A

    It’s not normal to be afraid of your parents. For any reason.

    It’s not normal to feel like you have to tiptoe around your parents because of a reaction they might have to what you’re doing, especially if what you’re doing isn’t even wrong.

    It’s not normal to feel unsafe in your own house. For any reason, in any way.

    It’s not normal for your parents to scream at you or call you names and cuss at you, even if you’re arguing with them.

    It’s not normal for your parents to escalate things and punish you unfairly because they can.

    It’s not normal for parents to invade your privacy in any way like taking your door away, demanding passwords / reading private messages / stalking your facebook or tumblr, ect.

    It’s not normal for your parents to constantly belittle you, mock you, or bully you in any way.

    “Because I said so” as a reason to make you do something that makes you uncomfortable, ect. almost daily is not normal.

    It’s not normal for your parents to brush you off if you say something is wrong or is upsetting you.

    It’s not normal for your parents to isolate you as punishment.

    It’s not normal for your parents to deny you a therapist, counselor, doctor, meds or anything regarding your mental or physical health for any reason. 

    It’s not normal for your parents to tell you to “suck it up” or say “that’s how the real world is” if you’re having issues or have a disability / illness that makes things difficult for you.

    It’s not normal for parents to constantly shoot you down, especially if they’re trying to be nice about it and say “It’s for your own good” or “I’m just trying to help”

    None of this is normal for parents to do. This is abuse.
    If you feel, for any reason, that you might be being abused, if you think that something is wrong with the way your parents treat you, listen to your gut. Look into abuse. Don’t ignore it. Don’t tell yourself that you’re overreacting. Listen to yourself, because something is probably wrong.
    If you’re being abused by your parents, i’m sorry. I know how you feel. But remember, you are wonderful. You didn’t make your parents abuse you. None of this is your fault.
    Take care of yourself. Please. You’ll be out of there soon.

    lisaannoberbrunner
    • You walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner.
    • Your feelings and opinions are rarely validated.
    • Your partner is mistrustful of you for no reason.
    • You feel like you are unable to discuss problems in the relationship.
    • You feel “stuck” or confused most of the time.

    There are many types of relationships this applies to (examples - romantic, parent/child, boss/employee, etc.)

    anti-feminism-pro-equality

    What if this had been reverse? What if the girl dumped him and then he smashed all of her CDS or her cellphone and laptop? How would society react? By calling him abusive and controlling.

    See, female on male abuse is seen as funny or comical. you see those commercials with the wife throwing the boyfriends stuff out the window. IF the genders were reversed, everyone would see it and call it out for what it really is…abuse.

    Abuse is not funny in any way shape or form.

    This is why we don’t need feminism.

    miso-soup-gyny

    This mother fucker also owes him a fuckton of money.

    johnnysjetpack

    thats more than 600$ worth of games!

    that’s a fucking felony, theft and destruction of property. call the law on the psycho bitch!

    sarcasticallyfabulous

    “This is why we don’t need feminism.”

    Actually, it’s why we DO need feminism. Because feminism isn’t about making women superior and putting men on the bottom. Feminism IS about making everyone equal. The “comedy” behind male abuse is a result of the patriarchy, which is exactly what feminism is trying to destroy. The patriarchy mocks weakness in men, so when men get abused, it’s not taken seriously. It’s a joke, it’s funny, it’s no big deal. “You’re a man, suck it up.”

    That’s not what feminists want. If you think that’s what we want, then you you’re not talking to the right feminists. It’s about equality, NOT just reversing the roles, understand?

    It’s not okay to abuse women, it’s not okay to abuse men, it’s not okay to abuse ANYONE. That’s the fucking point. The point isn’t “whaa it’s time for women to get to be mean you need to lean your place”. The point is gender inequality is stupid and unhelpful to everyone.

    So if you don’t like the way men are treated, don’t hate on feminists. Join them. We don’t like it either.

    mystuffstuff

    Thank you.

    uninhibitedandunrepentant

    It’s not okay to abuse women, it’s not okay to abuse men, it’s not okay to abuse ANYONE.

    don’t mistreat people who are sincerely kind

    don’t use them for their generosity

    and for fuck’s sake don’t take them for granted expecting them to always be there because they’re nice

    good-natured people can be worn down so much that even they can become jaded

    treat these people well because they’ve certainly given you the same respect (and then some)

    mcdyke-deactivated20171112

    Abuse can be consensual. For example, self harm and/or unhealthy addictions. Imitating the cycle of abuse is an issue that we must stop denying, and start helping submissives and victims. This is not about being a hero, it’s about BDSM being so normalized that it’s not commonplace to criticize it’s adherence to abuse and abusive cycles. 

    submissivedreamer

    Yeah, this is wrong on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin.

    There’s the honeymoon stage being compared to aftercare, which is inherently false. Unless the Dominant has made some huge mistake during the scene, there’s usually no apologizing and begging for forgiveness. Aftercare is about taking care of your partner, calming them, giving them love and affection. It is not groveling for mercy after realizing that you’ve crossed a line. It’s called being a decent partner and making sure your partner is okay after a physically exerting scene.

    There’s the whole consensual abuse section which I just find mind-boggling. People who practice BDSM are not victims of Stockholm’s Syndrome. They’re people with alternative methods through which they derive pleasure - methods which aren’t even all that different from normal people. Go ahead and talk to so-called “vanilla” people. You’ll see plenty of overlap between their sex lives and kinky sex lives.

    The difference between abuse and BDSM is that BDSM play is safe, sane, and consensual. Abuse is never safe, nor is it done in a sane mindset. It is done through a lack of or loss of control, whereas BDSM is all about being in control and relinquishing control in a safe, sane environment. Insane is hitting someone out of anger. Sane is listening to your partner say, “This feels good. Can you please keep doing this?” and obliging.

    The “walking on eggshells” phase simply doesn’t happen in BDSM. If it is happening, it isn’t true BDSM. There isn’t actual fear (except in certain circumstances) in BDSM play. There’s love, trust, and communication. You aren’t being insulted and put down by your dominant. You aren’t constantly trying to tiptoe around them. That’s abuse, not BDSM.

    BDSM is not abuse. Nice try and thanks for playing.

    That being said. If anyone is experiencing sexual abuse, or any other type of abuse, visit RAINN.org or call 1-800-799-SAFE to talk about these issues. There are resources to help you. I personally am currently going through training as a crisis intervention counselor for sexual assault victims, so if you feel more comfortable talking to me, message me privately (indicate that it is private), and I have many more resources that I can connect you with.

    goddessmeira

    I saw a profile description recently about having a “short temper”. It wasn’t used in a way that suggested the person considered it a fault or something to be aware of; it was used in a way that suggested “So you should do what I say, or else…” Let me be clear about something: If your dominant is unable to control their emotions, and they take their anger out on you that is not okay. That is abusive. Dominance does not equal abusive power.  Your dominant should care about you and for you— not use you. Your worth is not defined by them. Like any relationship, they shouldn’t tear you down; they should build you up. Build you up to become a person you aspire to be. I sincerely hope all my followers are safe.

    femsubdenial

    I repeat: There’s a difference between dominant and domineering.

    greenrangerjustice

    "Real men don’t hit women" is a phrase I’ve heard multiple times in my lifetime. Violence against women is the most reprehensible act a person can commit, a man who abuses a woman will never be able to live it down but can the same be said for women?

    Look at how we react to the two; when its man on woman the man is scum and deserves to die but you switch it around and you get victim blaming (how did he let her do all that to him?). Why is that? Well let’s look at how it’s presented in media. Violence against women is almost always presented in a serious manner and a negative light; the man who abuses is almost always a horrible person. Now let’s look at it the other way. When women are the abusers its comical, he didn’t do what she asked so she hits him and the audience laughs, her acts of violence are justified because he shouldn’t have insulted her, we rationalize it so that we see the humor in it because we have an idea that men can take the abuse because they are stronger and women are weaker. While that may be true from a physical standpoint, strength doesn’t mean immunity to pain. I could lift a car but getting nails dug into my skin will still hurt,kicking me in the balls will still hurt.

    People often wonder how a woman can beat up a man (assuming she has had no formal training in combat) who is bigger than her. If you remember early I mentioned the “Real men dont hit women” thing being ingrained into my mind, well that’s how. Our society punishes men severely for violence against women to the point where the police will arrest the men even when they are the victims. The strength of men suddenly becomes a weakness; you have the power to stop your assailant but doing so could land you in bigger trouble. ..so you just take it. It doesn’t matter if you’re outnumbered either, society’s rules affect us to the point where we rather risk injury than be labelled as a woman beater. Check out this article from the UK in 09: http://www.the-spearhead.com/2009/10/26/chivalry-gets-you-beat-up-by-women/

    I am not condoning violence against women or anyone, I am just trying to show you that there needs to be a change. We cannot live in a society where a man getting is penis cut off after being tied up and drugged is talked about on talk shows as a joke ( http://www.the-spearhead.com/2011/07/26/mirth-in-the-mutilation-of-men/). Why is it ok for men to be abused? It shouldnt be, we need to have the same reaction as if it were a woman being hit. Women can be abused, men can be abused, women can abuse, men can abuse.

    subbieblackgrl

    THANK YOU FOR THIS POST!!!

    I have BEEN saying that.  I know some crazy women who have physically scarred men.  Seriously, there needs to be more awareness about this. 

    fucksociety95

    this picture should have more then the amounts of notes it has, this shows us that not ever thing is “picture perfect” and that behind that smile and those eyes there is fear . So i beg you to please reblog this instead of a pair of shoes, someone smoking a blunt, and clothes … because this picture is literally worth 1,000 words 

    starryeyedlunatic

    This is insanely powerful.

    oliviatheelf

    As someone who grew up in an abusive household, I will never fucking fail to reblog this. People pull bullshit all the time over people getting abused. They make it to where it’s covered up, the victim’s fault, or they don’t care about it. This is happening RIGHT NOW and could be happening to your own neighbor, mother, sister, brother, grandparents, teachers, mail-deliverer. Anyone.  IT is a nightmare. 

    his-submissive-girl

    Wow. Powerful.

    submissivedreamer-deactivated20

    re: The video of the guy grabbing breasts: All I ever hear feminists say is how breasts aren't sexual, thry aren't genitals, therefore how can touching a woman's breasts be sexual assault? O, the hypocrisy of feminism.

    1. I’ve never made that claim. 2. Groping anyone’s body without their permission IS physical assault.

    submissivefeminist

    1) Breasts are sexualized by the patriarchy, even though they are made for BABIES they are seen as objects for men to play with. #heteronormativity

    2) “Groping anyone’s body without their permission is physical assault.”

    Notice how she didn’t say “genitals.” That’s because grabbing someone’s arm is just as wrong as grabbing their genitals, breasts, ass, or foot, for that matter. Don’t touch people without their fucking consent.

    xx SF

    m--shea

    I do not speak to contest #2, but I am pretty sure that they are considered sexual organs because they are nigh-universal erogenous zones in women. They make more sense to me as sex organs than the ass (both male and female) does, for that reason.

    Also, I must live under some kind of rock, because I never hear most of the crap that people say that they can’t get other people to shut up about.