@m--shea
Shea's Domain
Posts
10343
Last update
2020-01-29 04:34:35
    leatherlacedbass

    I'm sorry to bother you. This is probably dumb, but do you have any advice on how to handle sub drop when I haven't done well enough to deserve aftercare? I want to try and be better for Mistress :(

    *****waves red flag around****

     The only thing dumb about this is your Mistress, and the fact you think you don’t deserve aftercare/don’t get proper after-scene care in general. NOT OK. 

    *****waves red flag around****

     I don’t care if you “perform poorly” or end a scene or whatever in your book/their book is considered “ not performing well enough” YOU DESERVE AFTER CARE especially  if something wasn’t 100% flowing thru a scene. Like i feel like if its 100% great you should def have aftercare! or 50% great n 50% shitty and rocky and rough/ not vibeing well with each other today/this scene or what have you i feel like  you should have it even more because feeling like you let down your Dom/Domme/ Owner/ Daddy/Mommy/ etc can be the freaking worst. Like forget all the good feels in the good parts of the scene/play time the thought of disappointment is lot of what us subs focus on and that can be really hard if you’re not reassured you still did well, your best, and that your limits or needs are ok and that stopping a scene or w/e is fully in your control and you should not be made to feel bad for it. OR whatever happened/happens to cause this for you or anyone else. 

     YOU ALWAYS DESERVE AFTER CARE IF YOU WANT IT. I know some don’t care for it, THAT iS THE subs CHOICE. DOMS/DOMMES etc DON’T GET TO SAY “YOU DIDNT PERFORM TO MY STANDARDS NO AFTERCARE AWARD FOR YOU!”

     *****waves red flag around****

    Repeat after me: Aftercare is not a reward it a must. Communication cannot be used as a punishment, either. ie: ignoring you as a punishment/breaking communication/silence as punishment, communication is a tool, a key, not a dom/domme etc control over another—–> same thing aftercare is not a reward its a must, the final scene of your scene. you don’t get to dangle aftercare like a carrot for a bunny to jump thru every hoop properly.  That’s not how this world works. Things go hand in hand. There’s a seemingly large disconnect in the properly functioning domme party of your mistress’ brain, she needs to be made aware of your needs and concerns. if they continue to be lacking in the proper depts. pack you cuffs and gtfo. 

     *****waves red flag around****

    please come talk if you ever have more concerns. 

    enscenic

    What the actual fuck?

    USING AFTERCARE OR LACK THEREOF AS A REWARD/PUNISHMENT IS NOT OKAY.

    ubertea

    Aftercare is extremely important, even with hypnosis. The lack of it is a huge red flag!!

    arihi

    Another post on aftercare with some very informational insights.

    esuccubus

    Seconded. Aftercare, even if it can’t go above brief checking-in and some reassurances, is an essential session outprocessing tool, not a reward. This is actually a form of abuse, and I’d be afraid to know what “doing well enough” entails.

    hypnocuck

    Is everyone clear on this now?

    hush-girl

    It was beautiful. I pulled out and came on the floor. She stared at it longingly then up to me.

    “Please,” she whispered. 

    I nodded my consent and stood silently to better hear her tongue on my floor. As a Dominant, it was blissful power and control. Afterwards, as I held her, she said, “I didn’t know I was strong enough to let myself do that. Thank you.” 

    thedeviantthingsilike

    I found this to be incredibly erotic.

    I want you, to want this.

    daddy-kangee-blog

    PSA!!

    There’s no aftercare for words that are spoken. There’s no healing touch, no soothing balm. There’s no amount of cuddles or kisses that can make the pain go away. Nothing erases the tears that are shed.

    Choose your words carefully, because something that means nothing to you, can cut to the core. Not all scars are visible, not all wounds heal. Time won’t mend a shattered soul.

    ~Daddy K & Babygirl Skyla

    collegegirlsubmissive

    Absolutely true!

    mcdyke-deactivated20171112

    Abuse can be consensual. For example, self harm and/or unhealthy addictions. Imitating the cycle of abuse is an issue that we must stop denying, and start helping submissives and victims. This is not about being a hero, it’s about BDSM being so normalized that it’s not commonplace to criticize it’s adherence to abuse and abusive cycles. 

    submissivedreamer

    Yeah, this is wrong on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin.

    There’s the honeymoon stage being compared to aftercare, which is inherently false. Unless the Dominant has made some huge mistake during the scene, there’s usually no apologizing and begging for forgiveness. Aftercare is about taking care of your partner, calming them, giving them love and affection. It is not groveling for mercy after realizing that you’ve crossed a line. It’s called being a decent partner and making sure your partner is okay after a physically exerting scene.

    There’s the whole consensual abuse section which I just find mind-boggling. People who practice BDSM are not victims of Stockholm’s Syndrome. They’re people with alternative methods through which they derive pleasure - methods which aren’t even all that different from normal people. Go ahead and talk to so-called “vanilla” people. You’ll see plenty of overlap between their sex lives and kinky sex lives.

    The difference between abuse and BDSM is that BDSM play is safe, sane, and consensual. Abuse is never safe, nor is it done in a sane mindset. It is done through a lack of or loss of control, whereas BDSM is all about being in control and relinquishing control in a safe, sane environment. Insane is hitting someone out of anger. Sane is listening to your partner say, “This feels good. Can you please keep doing this?” and obliging.

    The “walking on eggshells” phase simply doesn’t happen in BDSM. If it is happening, it isn’t true BDSM. There isn’t actual fear (except in certain circumstances) in BDSM play. There’s love, trust, and communication. You aren’t being insulted and put down by your dominant. You aren’t constantly trying to tiptoe around them. That’s abuse, not BDSM.

    BDSM is not abuse. Nice try and thanks for playing.

    That being said. If anyone is experiencing sexual abuse, or any other type of abuse, visit RAINN.org or call 1-800-799-SAFE to talk about these issues. There are resources to help you. I personally am currently going through training as a crisis intervention counselor for sexual assault victims, so if you feel more comfortable talking to me, message me privately (indicate that it is private), and I have many more resources that I can connect you with.

    jessi-draws

    I made a short little comic about after care, because it’s important and essential. ^^

    masterpet

    Aftercare

    My hubby is like this. So tender and loving. No matter what we do, no matter how demanding it was physically or emotionally for me, he’s there like my knight in shining armour to carry me off in his arms (literally) and cuddle me and make sure I’m ok.

    To be honest, the emotional challenges, especially in degradation-play, can be intense. I wrote about this long ago. Having a loving man just hold me and caress my face and whisper how he loves me is exactly what I crave.

    I can surface from a very dark place.

    ~Pet

    Different kinds of Aftercare.

  • Just holding your sub
  • Giving them a bath
  • A massage
  • Using soothing lotions on bruises/marks
  • A short nap with your sub. 
  • Petting/soothing with words. (i.e. good girl/good boy/ you did so well)
  • Giving a treat (warm milk/tea/some goldfish, etc)
  • Brushing their hair
  • Watching a movie of your sub’s choice
  • Reading a book to them
  • Kissing their marks/bruises/wounds
  • Letting them know they’re safe
  • Wrapping them in their favorite blanket with their favorite stuffed animal
  • spankaway-deactivated20151214

    There are few things more important <3.

    alphssubinco

    One of my favorite couples on Tumblr. They met on CollarMe (which blows my mind).

    spankaway

    Sometimes one has to venture into Mos Eisley to find their ride.

    collegesubmissive

    I don’t care if these are porn stars. 

    Anyone who looks down on D/s, saying it’s abusive or equally ridiculous things, look at this. A Dominant taking care of a submissive because that’s what she needs at that moment. It’s honest and pure comfort. Sorry to disappoint, but I have never felt something quite like this in a vanilla relationship.

    You want her definition of safety? Being able to hold onto his forearm and knowing his fingertips won’t leave the nape of her neck until she has her self-control back. 

    And the kiss on her forehead? It’s sweet. It’s necessary. It’s reassuring. It makes her close her eyes and realize, yet again, that he knows every bit of her and will never let her lose herself.

    sapiosexual-sub

    I will reblog this EVERYTIME it hits my dash.

    agentlemanandasavage

    Gentleman Savage

    domcomposer

    Recently had a somewhat similar experience from the Dom side of this for the first time ever and I’m still processing it all but I have to say, that level of closeness and being so tender and protective and caring of someone you care about……it was pretty fucking amazing. 

    itsallprimal

    My partner and I do dom scenereos and lately some moments I just need time in between the harshness to continue on but when I grow silent or say no or I don't want to he still continues on in situations like that do I have to say the safe word? I think he thinks I'm just messing around but I'm not but at the same time I don't want him to no longer enjoy me if I call quits

    If you are feeling uncomfortable with the scene, or you are ill, disconnected, etc. Then there is no harm in saying the safeword. However I suggest that you have a conversation and discuss his “TIMING” a submissive can go for an extremely long time, however sometimes you need to “pace” the action. Constant paddling, flogging, etc or even forced orgasms can cause a submissive mind to want to disconnect. Talk to him about what I like to call phases”. 

    Phase One is the mental set up seduction prep

    Phase Two is the bondage, locking, tying, an checking of my submissive

    Phase Three is the foreplay, raising sexual awareness, teasing, the beginning of punishments etc.

    Phase Four is the punishments, spanking, paddling flogging, hard use, etc, this is where sub and Dom(me) being the full play.

    Then you cycle the phases… stop for a bit come back to the submissives mental state while the body balances itself out.. then as you continue the verbal seduction and teasing, checking the locks and ties then you can return to the foreplay and so on and back to full Domination

    In a way the Dom(me) never does stop, but the Dom(me) is giving the submissive a chance to adapt to the sensations and then push further.

    There is a Phase Five - AFTERCARE!!!  Please do not forget this. Seems that many forget that if you skip this all the previous work slowly becomes null and void. 

    A safeword is not a sign of weakness, a safeword is there to be SAFE!! If something feels wrong or truly uncomfortable, then it is there for the submissive, a proper Dom(me) will take time to address why you felt that way and what can they do to help you both get what you want out of the scene. I call this an interview question for potential Dom(me), submissives should ask them how they view safewords, how they handle them, and what they do after it is used. If you get the “I don’t believe in them, Sign if weakness, etc,” Then say thank you excuse yourself and don’t look back. 

    Don’t be afraid to talk to your Dom(me), it is when we all fail to communicate that we get hurt, frustrated, or resentful

    ~Primal