Part 3 - The Here and Now.
Daddy smacked my bottom yesterday. Not long, or hard, or bare, but long enough. I was hot, which always makes me cranky, and when he asked me to move some of my stuff off the floor so he could vacuum, I lost control and threw a tantrum. Even as I yelled and screamed and stamped my foot, my inner voice was telling me that it was wrong and I deserved to have my bottom smacked. And it was. On both counts. Yes, it was wrong of me and yes, I got my bottom smacked.
Which is the main difference these days. I know. I am aware. For the first 9 - 10 months that Daddy and I were together, I clung on to my old wrong headed attitude that everything that went wrong in any way was always someone else's fault. If they hadn't acted the way they did, I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. Simple. If other people didn't want me to react in my usual aggressive manner, they shouldn't provoke me to be aggressive.
I got spanked a good bit back then. I tested every rule and instruction and then went beyond. Sometimes just to goad Daddy until he spanked me. Negative attention was the only kind I was used to until Daddy found me. It seemed weird to have any other sort.
Over time, I learned better. I restarted therapy and, with Daddy's encouragement I kept at it. Of course I came home and cried my eyes out. 40+ years of my old life left a lot of lumber to clear. We're not there yet but life and my mind are so much better. And although I hated the restriction,as I saw it then, of Daddy's rules and daily routine and dress code, having a firm, unchanging structure at home kept me safe. Spankings or no spankings. It slowly dawned on me that this was what being truly and genuinely loved felt like. A common thing for the majority of girls out there I suppose, but new and totally wondrous to me. From that point acceptance followed and then an active desire for Daddy's care, love and positive attention. Being a good girl wasn't a duty any more, it was my way to repay Daddy for taking care of me and giving me a genuine father for the first time in my life. He remains my father to this day
So how is life now? Well I still have rules and a daily routine and a dress code but they're a little different now. I have a little more freedom now Daddy knows that I'll use the good sense, judgement and self discipline he has taught me. And he makes himself a role model for the qualities he wants to see in me. He works and studies hard, he commits and sticks to the unwritten rules that he sets for himself. He provides for my emotional and psychological needs, he goes out of his way to understand my problems and challenges in order to better help me be more comfortable, contented and to feel emotionally safe. I'm sure whole hosts of little girls have said the same over decades or even centuries, but my Daddy is my hero. I can't imagine a worthwhile life without him. Thank you so very much Daddy, for everything xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx