Penectomy and Castration
Last update
2019-09-26 07:09:01

    Cock Saw

    You are locked in a room, naked. In front of you is a small table with a tie strip and a not so sharp knife. From a speaker comes a voice telling you to tie off your boner and to cut it off in front of a camera. You won’t be allowed to leave until you finish and leave your cock on the table. You can take all the time you want. You aren’t leaving until you are done. Do yourself a favor and don’t look down.


    Transitioning to a Nullo (ITN)

    Hey all!

    My name is Richard but I usually go by Rich. I’m 26 and will be 27 on 9/23 coming up. I was born, raised, and reside in Baltimore. I have a BS in history. I am a freelance interior designer, and a lobbyist for historic preservation. I am gay, and a leather boy. I identify as a gender nonconforming nullo/neutrois male, or a nullo man for short. It is my hope to undergo a nulloplasty in the near future.

    I was identified male at birth, but at age 17 at a routine yearly physical, my pediatrician noticed some physical development disparities in my testes. Blood was drawn and I was sent to a myriad of doctors to find out what was wrong. I wound up at a geneticist with a diagnosis of having actually been born intersex (47, XXY) with Klinefelter’s Syndrome. This means that my body does not produce enough testosterone, so I’ve been on testosterone injections weekly since I was 19. I’m not exactly sure why it took two years for me to get on injections.

    While the injections help me retain my muscle and bone mass, they’ve not solved issues I’ve always had with my body, ever since I was a child. Even before the intersex diagnosis, I’ve known my body to be somewhat between genders/sexes even if I appear as a man on the outside. I suppose the intersex diagnoses added fuel to the flame on these thoughts.

    Throughout college and these past few years, I conducted a lot of research online to see where I fit on the spectrum of gender/sex, and identify most with the gender nonconforming nullo/neutrois male community. It fits me well because those who do ascribe to the identity generally appear male to the world, but aren’t exactly in totality. In the course of my research into the identity, I discovered pictures and information on the procedure I seek called a nulloplasty (often termed as gender nullification surgery). Something clicked inside my mind at the time that I needed to be like the man I saw in the pictures. A nulloplasty is really a group of procedures that leaves one with a smooth groin. In my case, this would be a total penectomy (removal of the penis and root), orchiectomy (removal of the testes), removal of the scrotum, and a urethroplasty (a perennial urethral reroute).

    It makes the most sense to me at this point in my life because I’ve had time to experiment with the genital makeup I was born with. In all honesty, nothing works right; being born intersex meant that my testes never developed correctly and are the reason why I’m on testosterone injections. My scrotum is thus inherently useless. My penis, though appearing normal, did not develop properly in the vascular sense; I cannot maintain an erection, even with appropriate meds. Finally, in areas where there should be countless nerve endings for pleasure sources, there are very few. In an attempt to see if I could regain some sensitivity, I wound up getting 10 piercings on my dick, but not much sensitivity was gained other than pulling. I took out the two piercings that were in my scrotum because humid MD weather meant they never really healed. Currently, I have a 2G PA, two dydoes, and five frenums that compose a ladder. I thought might as well have my dick look pretty even if it’s useless, and it gives guys something interesting to grab onto when their hands are up my leather kilt.

    I must admit that before I was sure to go down the surgery path, I had intended to become a nullo via the underground surgeon route (It was an erotic solution to my issues, and it’s still erotic to me) and succeeded in losing a ball to one. This person is still a friend of mine, I just think that being born intersex precludes me from the underground ways because of my anatomy.

    I met this person online, as one does, and we became friends. We still are friends. He trusted me, and I trusted him. I took the train from Baltimore to NYC when he was there for work in March 2018. He instructed me to bring the necessary supplies I could easily get ahold of like a cautery, surgical tools, first aid supplies, and so on. He brought the lidocaine, sutures, and other things I couldn’t get ahold of. The procedure took place in a hotel suite with views of Times Square and the Hudson (It was a marvelous place to lose a nut in).

    I admit I was unable to secure a second cautery for backup, but I made the decision to proceed anyway. He lidocained and banded my dick for the whole procedure. The cautery we used conked out after my first nut was done. My friend said that removing my nut was difficult as my nut didn’t develop correctly; all the structures he had to dissect/suture were really small, and my second nut was even smaller. He then sutured my scrotum up, and snipped my bands off. Everything seemed to be going well, and then I headed back to Baltimore two days later.

    I don’t blame my friend for what happened next, I blame myself. I developed cellulitis of the scrotum; my scrotum started to rupture puss, and I had to spend 17 hours in the ER for 2 courses of antibiotics. I suppose I wasn’t as good at cleaning out my piercings as I thought. Maybe it was something in the hotel room? Who knows. I suppose I also should’ve gotten my hands on antibiotics before the whole thing. Healing from that incident took a good two weeks as my scrotum and chord stump had to drain. I was able to eventually take my sutures out myself, and my incision healed.

    Lessons learned and armed with antibiotics, we actually attempted to remove my second ball in late April 2018. However, my body was having none of it. My scrotum would not numb up no matter how much lidocaine was injected into it. My friend rightly wouldn’t go over the safe levels of lidocaine according to my weight, and I made a decision to abandon the procedure/hopes to be nullified by underground means.

    My friend did however lidocaine and band my dick for 2 hours. It was numb for a month after, which made me excited for a life without my dick. I could only get off through anal orgasms from sex and fisting, and loved it. I was sad when my dick came back to life.

    Backtracking a bit: when the second visit finished and we both went back to our lives, I sought out a surgeon another friend had referred me to, Dr. Peter K. Davis of Palo Alto. Apparently he’s one of the best when it comes to nulloplasty (gender nullification surgery). We had a consult by facetime in Early May of 2018. The consult went well, and I was open to him about everything. He did tell me not to go underground again, which I agreed. He said I would be a good candidate for nulloplasty and so instructed me to get two letters of mental candidacy for the procedure from two therapists. He recommended his go-to therapist, but also said that I needed someone from the Baltimore area to do a local assessment. He also said that I needed to get my primary care doctor on board with the procedure.

    The first therapist I tackled was the surgeon’s recommendation since I figured she was well-versed in nulloplasty. We had a conversation by phone, given that she too is in Palo Alto. Before the conversation occurred, she had me fill out a word document that became 15 pages in total length. The document thoroughly covered my entire psychological and mental history, and is by far the most sensitive document I’ve ever created. It was good for me to hash out everything that was going on. One question triggered a memory I had when I was quite small of tucking my dick into my groin, and being delighted that I was smooth for a moment. I also remembered admiring Ken dolls as a kid.

    Anyways, the conversation with her went smoothly. She helped me with various questions I had about gender, and made sure that I was mentally prepared for surgery and the healing time that would take place after. One thing she made me do that I am thankful for was to create a team of close friends that will be my “recovery team” so to speak. One friend will be traveling with me to Palo Alto to act as a “nurse” while I heal for the initial first week after surgery. When I return to Baltimore, my other friends will also help out to make sure that I heal physically, as well as mentally. The therapist wrote the letter with no issue, let me see a draft, and then with my corrections, sent it to Dr. Davis’s office.

    I then tackled finding a local therapist and got pretty lucky. Back in high school, when I thought I was straight, I dated a girl whose parents were both psychologists (that girl had issues). I reached out to her mother on Facebook and told her my story. She then recommended her colleague who worked with trans people, so I reached out to her and scheduled an appointment at her office.

    The conversation with her was good, but I do admit she asked a lot of spicy questions. Subjects that I am not used to speaking about with straight people, so I did have some uneasy moments, but I got my thoughts out. On the subject of nulloplasty, I did have to educate her a lot about it, but I didn’t mind because it’s such an esoteric subject that I don’t expect most people to know about it. I wound up showing her the sensitive document I wrote for the other therapist which she used on top of her notes to write her letter. I saw her for two sessions before she wrote her letter, sent me the draft for my corrections, and then she sent the letter to Dr. Davis’ office.

    I then coincidentally had my yearly physical and so dumped the news on my primary care doctor, along with the supporting psych letters, and a letter I wrote myself explaining it all. She was a bit shocked, but otherwise understanding. She agreed to release all of my medical records to the surgeon, and I gave her his contact information if she had any questions.

    By the time that I got my letters finished and my doctor on board, it was mid-June 2018. Next came the task of hammering out a date for surgery and trying to get my insurance on board. By mid-July 2018, I received a date of September 14, 2018 for surgery to take place. I was hoping my insurance would follow suit and accept the prior-authorization for coverage of the procedure, but in early August 2018, it was rejected. I was devastated. I had everything ready to go, my airfare, an Air B&B, supplies bought for recovery, and my buddy was on board and took off work for the time in Palo Alto.

    Since insurance rejected coverage of the procedure the surgeon worked out a quote with me that was discounted, he said I wouldn’t lose my down payment. So at this moment in time I am currently fundraising and saving for the difference I need of $9100. At the time of writing this, I have raised $1030 through a public support campaign site. The quote I received for the procedure is good until the end of 2018, which is when I hope to have the procedure by. I think in 2019 that the cost will go up.

    Fundraising for the procedure has turned out to be a cathartic experience in a way because it has forced me out of the nullo closet. I was quite afraid that friends would reject it and call me crazy, but the reverse has been true. People have been completely supportive of it. I started out by posting the campaign to Tumblr, and then, I made the gutsy decision to post it to my Facebook. I got so much love, support, and kind messages, even from straight people. So far, the only hate I’ve received is from gays on Tumblr. A good chunk of the funds I’ve received have come from straight people and gay US military members, the most unlikely supporters in my mind. Perhaps the world is really becoming more accepting of us all.

    I have high hopes that I’ll have this surgery soon, I just wish I had better target skills to get the campaign in front of the right eyes. I’ve honestly never wanted/needed something more in my life than this surgery. I honestly think it’ll improve the quality of my life by leaps and bounds. With this surgery, I’ll no longer feel the anxiety I have on a day-to-day basis about being born with genitals that serve no purpose, other than to urinate and expel cum. During sexy times, guys won’t think that I should be the top because of my size or my piercings, and they won’t think that I don’t turn them on because my dick doesn’t get hard. I also won’t have a useless scrotum sweating in summer humidity. I’ll also be more confident in the leather/kink/fetish scenes I participate in, and I will be proud to present smooth in my leathers/speedos/whatever.

    In preparation for surgery, and after surgery I have another lofty and achievable goal of getting my body in the best shape that it can possibly be, and learn how to keep it that way. I’ve always wanted 6-8pack abs, an Adonis belt, and the rest of the muscles to match. I know that muscle development is relegated to genetics, so we’ll see how far I get. Tomorrow, 9/13 I have an appointment with my doctor to see about a testosterone increase to aid in my muscle building abilities. The goal is to get my levels closer to 800, and I may even consider estrogen blockers, being XXY and all.

    As you can see, I’ve spent most of my year focusing on transitioning into a nullo. I decided to finally get my life where it needs to go, mentally and physically. I’ve hit some rocky patches along the way, and I guess I’m currently at a road block. I’m glad I’m public about it though, the support from my friends is a blessing. I know they’ll be around when I’m recovering from surgery, and after. I am confident that one day I will be a muscled nullo stud. Who knows, I may even be the first nullo International Mister Leather. If I do anything in my transition, I’d like to be an advocate, and a resource for others like me who are transitioning.     So follow along if you dare, I hope to add more to this thread once things start getting going, and then I’m sure I’ll have a lot to say once surgery happens.

    Thank you for reading to the end of this post.


    **Note** this long-ass post is what I created for my life story in the Eunuch Archives and is dated 9/12/18

    Below is the link to my fundraising campaign if you would like to support me in my quest to be a nullo.