Mistress Tara spoils your movie "Sinister" and rightfully so.
Mistress Tara DOES NOT order you to see this movie. What a disappointment. It wasn't really bad - that would have been good to the Horror Movie aficionado. It was the worst thing a horror movie could be -SO -SO, meh? mediocre. I thought with this A-list cast, Ethan Hawke,¬†Vincent D'Onofrio,¬†Fred Dalton Thompson how could I go wrong? Surely¬†Vincent D'Onofrio would never be in anything sub-par. He's an actor who actually reads the scripts. Never seen him in anything that wasn't stellar.¬†
MISTAKE #1: NOT ENOUGH¬†Vincent D'Onofrio! How can you cast this amazing actor and not make better use of him. Plus, he's SUPER HOT!
MISTAKE #2: NOT ENOUGH GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE, BLOOD AND GORE! I was expecting a serial killer to off family members in front of each other. Maybe rape the wife in front of the husband after he killed the kids in front of them in ever bizarrer, heinous and depraved ways. Then ritually mutilate the bodies for a horrific crime scene? NOT! What did I get? Old home movies.¬†Contrived devise number 1.¬†An ancient Babylonian deity¬†Ooooooo, spooky.¬†Contrived devise number 2.
I'm all for the supernatural. This one just didn't get to Me. Apparently, it's because this one is fictional. Note to writer: There are plenty o' really scary ancient deities through out history. Pick one.
MISTAKE #3: NEVER STEP INTO A GREAT MAN'S SHOES :PLOT - a drunken, has-been writer moves into a haunted house, in a small, sleepy town with his family trying to write a book that will be a hit this time as he goes slowly insane.¬†Contrived devise number 3. The local Sheriff immediately try to run them out of town.¬†Contrived devise number 4.¬†His children start to "see things" and paint scary pictures on the wall and have night terrors. REALLY? Yawn. I've never seen this before!¬†Contrived devise number 5.
Uuhhhhhhh......I think Jack Nicholson has been there, done that in "The Shining" and no one should ever attempt it again unless they are joking.¬†
MISTAKE #4: Creepy dead children come back to haunt you. YAWN.¬†Contrived devise number 6.
SAVING GRACE #1: There is actually an actual surprise plot twist, ending and some good jolts. Yes, everybody dies. As they should. But unlike most horror movies, they do actually leave the house in a timely fashion. The minute the writer is certain the house is haunted and his family is in danger, he does the unthinkable! He wakes everybody up, and here's the key: GETS THE FUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE. *applauds*. His wife does not have a change of heart and try to stop him. When they get pulled over for speeding out of town by the local sheriff, he doesn't, somehow force them to go back. They all leave - I mean really leave. That's what I should have done.
But seriously, if you're a hardcore horror fan, you might still want to see this movie. It wasn't so bad that I felt like I wasted My money. Or if you think¬†Vincent D'Onofrio is the best thing ever, then you can get a little fix. Otherwise, Mistress Tara gives it the dildos down. This did not get My strap-on hard.