A Beacon In The Night

This Is My Place To Share Thoughts And Opinions On My Journey Though Life. I Am A Forty-Something Dominant Gentleman And Some Posts Will Discuss The D/S Lifestyle, So Adults Only Please. Blogs That Are Empty, No Avatar/Description Will Be Blocked.

Last update
2020-10-29 00:32:43

    Choosing Your Adventure

    When I was a kid, was a voracious reader and as I have matured, that has not changed. Recently, my Dad discovered some of my old ‘Choose Your Own Adventure” books that allow the reader to make choices as they read, and those choices which affected the outcome of the story. Now that I am older, I have come to realize that these books are just like life in that our choices are reflected in outcomes. When it comes to the lifestyle, there are many ways people can choose their adventures and while there are well documented ‘wrong ways’ mixed with way more than fifty shady ways people can behave badly, how an individual decides to select and embrace a lifestyle role is unique to them because there is no twue or right way. Where this can cause issues is when people project their definition of a role onto others who have identified with that role.

    Sometimes it feels like the lifestyle has too many roles/identifiers but as the lifestyle has grown much more inclusive, there is a need for many labels and I hope the trend of inclusiveness continues so there will be even more choices going forward. It is crazy to think back to when I was introduced to the lifestyle but here were four basic choices dominant, submissive, switch, and slave.  If you look at FetLife now there are about sixty different options. With all the descriptors to pick from, I think it is more important than ever for people to feel free to pick their fit but I think people need to be able to explain what their selected role means to them rather than rely on the assumptions of others.

    I thought about how to better clarify what I mean by being better to explain their choices but I think it would be easier if I just used myself as an example. When I am asked, “What kind of dominant are you?” My reply is typically along this line: A mix of traditional/old school shaken but not stirred with a side of ‘daddy’ and since that answer is about as clear as mud, let me add a little color:

    While there is a ‘side of daddy’ in my self-labeling, it does not mean sugar. I am not a human ATM to take someone shopping, pay their rent, or buy them a car. The things I am capable of giving are more valuable than all the money in the world because love, leadership, and happiness can never be purchased.

    Do not let the daddy part make you think that age regression play, diapers, and the like are desires of mine. While these are yummy for many, they are yucks for me.

    While I would love to say I am always strong, I know that I will have moments of struggle, so my submissive will need to be willing to allow me to there for them and in turn, be there for me too.

    I do not believe the label of sadist fits because I do not have the desire to hurt someone simply because I can, however, play that includes some pain can be very intimate.

    There are those memes that say things like what a dominant wants, they take but I am not a taker, except during play. During play, I LOVE to take what is mine. However, I lead and give guidance outside of play. I am not a d-type that takes because they ‘can’.

    There are times and places where I know I need to be strict but I much prefer to keep things fun and playful rather than have things build on protocol and expectation. Protocols are great for those whom it fits but it is not me.

    Two of the common themes in the lifestyle are rules plus punishment but while I do believe in a dominant providing structure, I prefer guidelines to rules and while I may correct my submissive, I never punish. If/when I must correct my submissive’s behavior, once the issue is resolved, it is water under the relationship bridge and we are moving forward. It drives me nuts when I see a dominant bring up past issues after the fact.

    I am an intelligent human, thus I find intelligence and quality conversation seductive as heck.

    Lastly, I feel that the vanilla world must always be part of the balance in a lifestyle relationship. I am confident in my ability to lead both the D/S needs of the relationship along with guiding things through the challenges life presents daily.

    The point I am trying to make with my example of describing myself, briefly, (That is briefly for me and now you know why one of my nicknames is Wordie) is that with so many choices people have to describe their role in the lifestyle I believe that it is important to not only to be able to rattle off those often one-word identifiers but to also they also have taken the time to be able to quickly give an overview of why they selected as they have. I think being able to do this also helps keep others from making assumptions based on those quick identifying nuggets. So when you settle on your lifestyle role, take a bit of time to have a plan in place of how you will explain what it means as you start to choose your adventure in the lifestyle.

    My secondary blog which contains just my writings is located here.

    As with all of my writings, please see this disclaimer.


    Let A Little Rubber Meet The Road

    Life is always filled with oddities, like today I am thinking about how some are only involved in the lifestyle online and their lifestyle friends/acquaintances are all just virtual presences that never crossover into the non-digital world but yet as I typing these words, I am working ‘remotely’ from my home office because thankfully my employer does not want me to people in person. Now, this is not about what is or is not appropriate, safe, or any of that ‘fun’ stuff that people seem to love to debate in this COVID world and turn this into hot political potatoes these days but I want to challenge some of those who might read this yet their only contact with the lifestyle is virtual.

    I hope no one is jumping the start and making assumptions at this point but I know it is Tumblr which means a few people are hopping mad at me because they are ‘assuming’ I am going to say negative things about the online community or those who are part of it. To those folks, I am going to channel my best Butthead voice and say “Settle down Beavis” because that is not what I am saying.

    I believe the online community is amazing and it is so nice to have so much information, conversation, and thought-provoking blogs, books, and discussions right at our fingertips and always on but there are a few things I want to share and maybe even challenge a few with.

    One of the great things about exploring this lifestyle online is the anonymity it allows. This is great especially for those who are new and are more curious than committed to exploring. For those people who have decided that the lifestyle is something that they have decided to dive into or they feel like they have found a lifestyle that clicks with their soul, I want to challenge those who have done all of this entirely online. I realize that many of those who have reached this point have done this, but for those who have not, I know there are these people out there, try building friendships that move out of cyberspace. I am not suggesting unsafe behaviors or rushing off to meet a stranger in-person but consider including more personal communication methods like sharing text messages or maybe even video/voice conversations to get to know someone in ways other than seeing words popping up in a Tumblr message box.

    This might not be a super popular thing to say, especially here online but I am not here always give comfort and sometimes I rock the boat. If all of a person’s experience with the lifestyle is online, they may indeed have amassed a ton of knowledge, it truly is all theory. Think of it like one of those classes you may have endured in college where the theory of something is discussed. The discussion, knowledge, classmates, and even the professor might have been great but there is a difference between a theory in a controlled environment, like a classroom, and the way life adds complications, twists, and turns.

    When discussing ideas and ‘theory’ please do not be afraid to ask “how has this worked for you, or not worked. in-person?” I believe this is of vital importance because several people throw out a shingle online as ‘experts’ but in reality, they are just experts in the ideas, not their practice. This will sound silly but here online, a person could set themselves up as a sexpert but yet never have bow-chicka-wow-wow’d or even kissed. They could be an oracle of book knowledge but they have no experience where the rubber meets the road or maybe a better way to say it, where naughty bits meet naughty bits.

    The point I want to make today is if anyone’s explorations have so far just focused on gleaning information from the internet, that is great but when ready, I believe, it is time to move out of your comfy blanket fort, replace the smartphone, and/or tablet with making connections that step out of that fort and while maybe not in-person over a hot beverage but stepping closer to that with conversations that may lead to honest to goodness real-life friendships. I find that when we push out of our comfort zones, we grow, and I think we can all grow by making acquaintances, friendships, and, gasp, maybe even a relationship that happens in real life rather than just through typed words on a computer or phone screen.

    My secondary blog which contains just my writings is located here.

    As with all of my writings, please see this disclaimer.