Van Helsing: Okay so I’m pretty sure Lucy was killed by a vampire. Unfortunately I have no idea where the vampire came from, when it arrived, where it is now, or what its plans are, so with Lucy dead I have no leads to keep this from happening again

Van Helsing: Maybe if I talk to her friends one of them might have seen or heard something helpful, but it’s unlikely

Mina: Oh hello! I’m sure it’s irrelevant but here’s a typed and dated first person account of Count Dracula, who kept my husband captive for months while displaying [multiple indisputably vampiric symptoms] and was recently seen in London after purchasing property at the following address

Mina: Dr. Van Helsing why are you crying and hugging me?

catwingsathena

Dracula: THIS MAN BELONGS TO ME!!

Jonathan: …only Mina gets to say that.

see-arcane

Ways to Vastly Improve the 100+ Dracula Adaptations Trying to Make the Count and Mina a Couple, #1

Dracula, imprisoning Jonathan in the castle: Mine :)

Jonathan: No

Dracula, going full fucked up Beauty and the Beast treatment, all metaphor cigars and pretty bedrooms and endless sleepover talks into the night and cooking 5 star meals for his very good and intimate friend: Mine :)

Jonathan: Still no

Dracula, biting and hissing and throwing spare villager toddlers to keep the Brides from calling dibs: Mine >:(

Jonathan: Appreciate the save, but again, no

Dracula, literally carrying him to bed and undressing him: Mine :) <3

Jonathan, pausing mid-shovel strike to the Count’s skull: Okay, we need to discuss this. I was not, am not, and will not ever be yours. In a less traumatizing scenario, I might have been flattered, maybe curious. But I already met the greatest person on Earth and she accepted my proposal. I have been and shall continue to belong to Mina Murray--or, if I live, Mina Harker, fingers crossed--and she is the only one who gets to call me hers. Period. Understood?

Dracula: Yes, of course, my friend, you should have said

Jonathan: Good. Glad we had this talk. :) 

Dracula: Me too :)

Jonathan, whacking him with the shovel: Hope you burn in Hell :)

(One trip to England later)

Dracula: Hello, Mina Harker, correct?

Mina: Yes?

Dracula: I understand you and your husband, my good friend, Jonathan Harker, are something of a ‘2 for 1′ deal, not to be separated under any circumstances.

Mina: ...That is a way to put it, yes

Dracula: Lovely!

Dracula, baring his staple remover fangs: So, I was thinking--

Jonathan: 

NO

afronerdism

This might be the funniest reply I’ve ever seen in my life

fozmeadows

I AM WHEEZING

skyinide

PLEASE STOP REBLOGGING THIS OMFG

every time i see one of those tiny head bears i think of alphonse

misskatelyndanger

It is morally correct to be horny on main.

If we really want to fight against this puritanical culture that seems to be hell-bent on running sex workers off the internet and banning pornography wherever they can find it, you have a moral duty to post hole on main. Doesn't have to be your own hole but you got to post it.

misskatelyndanger

New copypasta just dropped

ntrknight

Same guy

beelko

Reblog hole to destroy bloodlines and oppress Christians

transreimu

Me Gongaga Monday

transreimu

Have a happy and healthy Me Gongaga Monday

alamuts-lair-of-madness

At least show us the bison!

zdravomilla

The best update.

milqi

wholesome and true - do not mess with the wildlife

God, I can’t tell you how much the “there’s not enough enrichment in my enclosure” joke has helped my mental health. Because, for some reason I can’t comprehend, pretending that I’m a zoo keeper caring for an animal (which is also me) just makes everything easier to comprehend. Like “Your head gets screwey when you’re apartment is messy” just doesn’t carry as much resonance as “The tiger becomes agitated when its enclosure is cluttered” because then I’ll be like, no shit? The tiger? I’ve gotta keep things nice and clean for the tiger.

telling a conservative that they're changing curious george to bicurious george (he/they)

anarchist-mariner

Dear god. please make all superyachts explode tomorrow. amen.

anarchist-mariner

Fave thing about this post is that nobody who’s reblogged it so far has made any comment. we’re all just sharing in the sentiment. peace and love on planet earth

nyanoraptor

obsessed with this post because it forced me to pronounce “meatballs” in a way i never would have before. meæãt balls

catgirl-kaiju

This fucking ableist and transphobic christian anon is making me lose it.

It's incredibly funny that god put the autism and GNC in me because he wanted me to be a byzantine monk, and incredibly sexy that I have scorned him by using his gifts to become a hot and funny trans lesbian that makes furry art and shitposts on the internet.

Part of my cross 😔

stevita

I forgot how nosy people who sit in bars are but weirdly, my audience has seen an uptick ever since I've been back to full time restaurant work

Every drunk person at the bar suddenly wants to know what else I do and they ask for my links every time I mention I'm a writer, even once I mention I write niche market fetish erotica

Astoundingly, they are charmed by the lil electric fat guy

And they're even more delighted to learn I have something of a nemesis and said nemesis' shitty character designs have them in absolute STITCHES

0nigum0

Stevita out here getting normies into feedism cx

art-lover-genderhater

I will never get over this video. THE EDITING?????????????? Changed the game.

Her name is Quenlin Blackwell btw. She is the cutest

the-real-skeletor

The super bowl or whatever I’m not american

armchair-factotum

Oh NOBODY’S going to be horny after this

aquietquixotic

Amazing tags

sometimes-i-just-climb-things

my ankle is so fuckin horny tho

hybbat

A victorian

antique-scarecrow

saving this for the next time someone innocently asks me what tumblr is

froody

I love leather and I love fur and I don’t mind arguing about it.

froody

“Do you think it’s okay to slaughter animals for their skin?” I eat them too AUGH AUGH AUGH AUGH

froody

“doctor I’m wearing a leather jacket and eating a hamburger please you have to take me away I’m a danger to society”

heirop

"doctor I prefer using biodegradable materials which only need one animal dead to be created and worn for years, instead of polluting the enviornment with microplastics Wich end up killing hundrets of animals by wearing a fake leather jacket that i have to replace maybe all 3 years"

spacesweepers

I dreamt that there was a new meme that went, “If I dids it, I dids it. If I didsn’t, I didsn’t.” There was a third line, but I forgot what it was.

nifeandaccurate

happy to report i’m back on my bullshit

and a rare variant

katherinebarlow

HOW DID YOU KNOW THEY WERE CAT MEMES IN MY DREAM

nifeandaccurate

>:3€

katherinebarlow

THAT’S IT, THAT’S THE MEME FROM MY DREAM