The spy chasing me throws a tracking device at my car. The throw is perfectly timed and the small, round device hits the bumper perfectly flush. However, since the tracker is magnetic and my shitty car is plastic, it bounces off

The spy is following me as I walk down the street. I bob in and out of shops. Pause and accelerate my pace randomly. Stop to tie my shoe so he loses sight of me. I stay perfectly out of his reach. This is all due to being sleep deprived, confused, hungry, and lost

The spy freezes my bank account. I do not notice for three weeks and only because Netflix sends me an email about non-payment

The spy chasing me does a stakeout at my house. After 4 days of trying to match my sleeping pattern he has to call HQ for backup

Trevor Noah interviewing Judith “Badass” Heumann

x

And I've got another new patreon video up. Check it out c;

https://www.patreon.com/posts/another-video-37385854

My new video is also available on FantasyFeeder now. And keep an eye out for more in the next couple days

Look at me being a huge dork

Enjoy a new premium patreon video. And keep an eye out for more gif sets coming up

https://www.patreon.com/posts/im-feeling-these-36542503

Now also available on FantasyFeeder

New story

A Cap Fitted to a Chub

I tell you, I’m not sure whether this is a cautionary tale…because man did it feel nice. But anyway, don’t trust random packages and especially don’t wear anything with a label you don’t recognize. 

***

So, it started a few days after my birthday. I hear the doorbell, and when I open it there’s a package. The shipping label just has my address, and there’s no USPS or UPS or FedEx or any log on it. It says “Happy Birthday” in big lettering on the front, and something about the font looks…I dunno, fat? Anyway I pick up the box and take it inside. I figure, I was just too slow to catch a glimpse of whoever delivered it or something. There’s no postage on it or anything, so whoever it’s from must be who delivered it too, right? 

Check out my patreon for the rest of this fic

https://www.patreon.com/posts/cap-fitted-to-37305421

Aren't I cute, brand new video on patreon

https://www.patreon.com/posts/talking-tubby-37314356

The video is now also available on FantasyFeeder

Watch me wobble, and listen to me as I describe one of my fattest fantasies. Enjoy the new video c;

https://www.patreon.com/posts/i-talk-some-35383091

Free to view preview is now up on Fantasyfeeder.

Check it out

The full video is now live on Fantasyfeeder tune in if you're interested in hearing about how fat my fantasies can get

Bonus video for the end of March. I got inspired after I finished my work up for the day. Enjoy c;

Also look at the ripples, almost hypnotic aren’t they. 

https://www.patreon.com/posts/35479814

Now live on FantasyFeeder

John boyega really do be on that king shit 👑

The Outbursts of Everett True was a comic strip that ran in papers from 1905 to 1927, wherein the aforementioned Everett True regularly beat the everliving shit out of rude people as a warning to anyone else who might consider being rude. Men have not only been taking up too much room on public transport for about as long as public transport has existed, but the people around them have been irritated about it for at least a hundred years. The next time someone tries to claim that manspreading is a false phenomenon, please direct them to this strip so that Everett True can correct their misconceptions with an umbrella upside the head.

I have never before heard of Everett True, but if he “regularly beat the everliving shit out of rude people as a warning to anyone else who might consider being rude,” I have a strong spiritual connection with him.

I fucking love him

jdillustratesnonsense

i can imagine this guy’s voice very clearly in my head but i couldn’t put a name to it 

He also jabs racists in the eye!

I love the justice grandpa of fists

Everett True is a forever mood

New favorite fat character

this is the funniest fucking thing i have ever seen....jared really said you like spn? get well soon

things i made very stoned and don’t remember doing

The Great Gatsby

This is not an exaggeration.  Your download speed would slow down to the point where Windows would make this kind of absurd estimate, and you’d sigh and leave the room for a while (because you couldn’t use the computer while it was doing this for fear it would crash and lose all your progress) and then you’d come back in 40 minutes and maybe it would now say 52 years or maybe it would say 3 minutes, who knew, not Windows.

Since learning about some of the details behind Breonna Taylor’s late-night murder by pigs, it’s important to remember that “plain-clothes officer” is an American euphemism for secret police.

tumblr: lose weight easy with this simple trick

me: I wish tumblr would stop showing me all these weight loss ads :-/

*finger on monkeys paw curls inward*

tumblr: Donald trump wants to give you a single coin

I hate this so much

Cursed

Random D&D headcanon: tieflings have enough demonic nature that pure salt feels like burning, but not enough for it to actually harm or repel them. The upshot is that for tieflings, salt really is a spice.