**I’ve told the story of my porn addiction many times but if it helps other girls come to their senses, I’ll continue to share. Many women have shared far more personal and violating stories, so I share my story with ease despite the uncomfortably personal details.**
I don’t really consider myself a victim of abuse other than the normal run-of-the-mill “I’m living under patriarchy” abuse but I fell victim to the BDSM scene, as a minor, which is now probably pretty common. I look at the porn communities I used to be a part of on tumblr and I get very angry. I consider my exposure to pornography, though I was not exposed to it by any adult, to be considered a form of abuse in itself because it lead me to internalized misogyny- I felt strongly that my worth was connected to the sexual attention I received and I took on a sexually submissive role. I was trying to see if I could “seduce” the boys I talked to- even tried to seduce grown men… and more often than not, it worked. (It was never anything more than dirty texts, but still, it should creep you out like it now creeps me out that grown men were reciprocating). But sometimes it didn’t work, too. And I felt broken when I wasn’t desired sexually, it sincerely felt like that’s all I would be good for, that my sexual charm was supposed to be my worth as a woman, and men were supposed to always want it. I even thought my desirability would be over by the time I was 18 because all I ever saw was “teen” in porn.
And eventually, I asked my boyfriend to put his hand around my neck and I didn’t like it, I questioned if there was something wrong with me or my body for not responding with anything but discomfort and unease. Still I asked for my hair to be pulled, until I realized that that too added nothing to the experience.
Eventually, I realized sex was better without trying to emulate porn. Sex was better when it wasn’t a performance.