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2021-07-22 00:47:26

    “Sometimes, when it feels like missing you will kill me, I have to look back at how many days have gone by that I’ve survived without you. Ive learned to expand my mind, laugh again, have fun, get out of bed, seek adventure with other people, and to begin to focus on my major. I did all of this without you. I would’ve rather had you there with me, but you weren’t and I'm still breathing. Every time I wish you were experiencing something with me, or I think about what you would say if you were here, or I feel the loneliness creeping up and consuming me, I remind myself that I’ve survived that feeling many times and that it won’t kill me. It will hurt like hell, but it can’t defeat me.”

    — e.m. // like hell

    “And one day you just take a step back and realise that this person, the person that you’ve allowed to hurt you so many times and you’ve given so many chances to, isn’t really anything special. In my case he was just a boy who could never appreciate me, who could never actually give me what I wanted, what I needed, what I deserved. He only wanted me when he couldn’t have me and I was so blinded by my feelings for him and so desperately wanted things to work out between us that I ignored how badly he treated me. His actions would never match his words but I overlooked it because I hoped one day they would eventually line up but of course they never did. I finally accepted that I was wasting my time on someone who didn’t care enough to be who I needed them to be. Anymore time I spent on him was just preventing me from finding someone who will care enough, who will care so much that I will always wonder why I wasted so much time on a boy who could never love me. It still hurts sometimes and I’m still getting over him but everyday I forget him a little bit more and I think that is the saddest yet most encouraging thing that could possibly come out of this.”

    how silly of me to think that I could change him when he can only change for himself.

    I can never find the right words to tell people what I’m thinking. Telling them I’m tired doesn’t work, but I can’t seem to vocalize that I’m mentally exhausted and sick of existing. Telling them I’m sad doesn’t work either, but I can’t explain that I’m struggling not to kill myself and that the joy in everything in my life is gone and when I wake up to the sun in my eyes, I have to struggle to get myself out of bed because most of me didn’t even want to wake up at all. I can’t tell them I’m numb because what I’m feeling is so much more complex than numb and I don’t have the vocabulary to tell them that I feel like I’m drowning and it terrifies me that I feel nothing as it’s happening, and that my insides want to scream but I can’t even find it in me to shed a tear anymore, that every single aspect of my life feels like it’s shaded in grey because all the colors were sucked out but I can hardly even remember what colors are because I can no longer remember a time I didn’t feel like this. No, I don’t know how to say that. So I just whisper “I’m fine.”

    “And sometimes in life, you’ll be willing to give absolutely everything to someone and that still won’t be enough. We call this unrequited love, it’s a harsh, cruel feeling and believe me when I tell you that if a feeling could kill - my god it would be that one.”

    — Excerpt of a book I’ll never write