he/him | 18 | mostly me talking to myself and deleting shit immediately after.

Posts
249
Last update
2022-06-04 15:02:46

    "well, it's 3am but i'm finally tired! time to go to slee-"

    that one motherfucking car: PE-PEW PE-PEW PE-PEW PE-PEW PE-PEW PE-PEW like it's a motherfucking arcade with laser guns PE-PEW PE-PEW PE-PEW

    it goes off at least once every day every single day and it's usually at night i can't take it anymore one of these days i swear i'm taking a fucking bat to it

    you do ONE nice thing for someone you don't even like just to make them feel better and they won't let you live it down for the rest of your life. "who cares if i treated you like shit for years, remember 2016? you clearly loved me back then. i bet you still do. you were nice to me once so you're obviously obsessed with me and physically incapable of hating me. what's that? i put you through hell, destroyed your mental health and ruined your life? aw, you're just trying to make me feel bad, i know you don't mean those things."

    empathy is a fucking scam.

    i have many hobbies, including but not limited to:

  • dressing up just to sit in my house alone
  • going out "for a walk," getting lost and ending up in one of the many nearby villages with a population of about seven people to fifty cows
  • spending money i don't have on things i don't need
  • sitting in a very uncomfortable position while staring at a piece of paper without getting up, going to the bathroom, answering my phone or drinking a single sip of water from dawn till dusk
  • plotting the demise of people who have wronged me
  • fantasizing about my imaginary boyfriend
  • staring at my plants
  • eating takeout food alone by the river just when rain starts pouring as i take the first bite
  • anyways fuck every single art teacher i've ever had*, guess who stuck with the thing i was terrible at and "should give up" on? guess who was trying and not just taking those classes to waste time? guess who wasn't lazy but unmotivated because i was fucking suicidal? and most importantly, guess who's actually good decent at what i do now?? this guy.

    and yeah, it took me longer than everyone else, yes i would still be behind were we all in the same room again, guess what? it doesn't matter. i was trying. i'm still trying. shit takes time and for some people it takes longer. did i give up, like they said i would? fuck no.

    y'all can suck it.

    *this does NOT include my sculpting teacher from 2yr HS, prof Burgio always encouraged me to try my best, even when i missed deadlines and the point was lost. she saw how disappointed i was in my own work and knew i cared. unfortunately, she did severely fuck me over that one time, but i know she was trying her best. un-fuck her.

    elytrians

    is there any look hotter than disheveled and slightly bloody

    chegayvara

    um?? dishevelled and slightly bloody, with a sword under their chin

    tododeku-or-bust

    Ahem. Dishevelled, slightly bloody, with a sword under their chin, while smiling lasciviously

    moonyinthesky

    for your consideration: dishevelled, slightly bloody, with a sword under their chin, while smiling lasciviously, and kneeling

    explorerrowan

    I am afraid we are all extremely queer.

    i'm starting to realise that i honestly don't believe in myself. not in the littlest bit. i thought i was over this shit but every time i try and think about what i could potentially do with my life the answer from the little voice in the back of my head is always "but i could never be good at something (like that)"

    and it's starting to sink in that what i thought was fairness and being realistic is actually really low self esteem.

    like how every time i'm drawing or doing or making something i go in with the lowest expectations, but then i find myself semi-satisfied with the results and my reaction is "oh. oh, right. i can do that. i forgot i'm actually decent at this."

    i can't believe i'm still dealing with the same bullshit i was in middle school.

    man i'm used to feeling suicidal but lately it's been the opposite. all of a sudden i have this extreme anxiety about life being too short and how i'm not doing anything with mine, i feel like it's all slipping away from me and before i know it i'll be 80 looking back on everything i didn't do and the love i didn't find and how i never got to be myself.

    it's eating me alive and i can't make it fucking stop

    help