Did I ever tell you how angry I was at the eulogy gave for my father? How I thought you belittled him, me, and our entire Clancy family with your condescending tone and quietly judging voice that i'm SURE you learned from your mother. I never understood why he loved you so much. You and your spiteful mother, narcissist father, and ASSHOLE brother and CUNT sister are all self-serving, self-centered, ugly fucking people and I'll see each one of you in the fucking grave. Merry fucking Christmas.

    The reason people get so tight about political debates is because we all know the only real solution is to burn the motherfucker down. But no one is willing to engage in the destruction and bloodshed necessary to accomplish that. So, we end up arguing over the best way to ignore the real problems and engage the most futile ways of pasting over the appearance of the problems with sentiment and self righteousness.

    When i was a child i thought life on tv was how life was supposed to be. I thought there were good guys and bad guys and the good guys always won. I thought family and friendship was forever and money didn't matter as long as you had love. but none of these things are true. In the real world good guys do bad things and bad guys are disguised as good. In the real world family and friends will turn on you for money and love is fantasy sold to you by the TV.

    I just can't ever get it going long enough. And even when I do life fucks me right ot of it with illness, injury, brutal acts of God, or plain old human cruelty. It's always something... and that something is usually pain wrapped in sadness wrapped in stress wrapped in anger. A 4-layer shit-life burrito that I've been eating for breakfast since I was six.

    just now

    when i was younger you met partners through friends and activities and drinking... etc. And the people who met online where the weirdos that didn't know how to do it. And im not diminishing that way of doing it. It's just amazing the juxtaposition of the phases in ones life and how you can only see it after it happens. and then BOOM you're an old guy whining about how things aren't how they used to be.

    I'm trying to look back and see the good times and happiness. What i realize now, after the cloud of drunkenness has lifted, is that there was so little happiness. There were so few good times. That mostly, that time was filled with pain and sadness and regret. It's amazing the lies we'll tell ourselves, and the unhappiness we'll endure in pursuit of happiness. Thinking it'll all work out if we can just get through these hard times. It's nonsense.

    i don't even WANT it.

    i don't even want it again. how could i even try to rebuild a life for myself and someone else. I never wanted to before you. So how could I ever even begin to want to again. That's insanity. I don't even want it.

    The sad truth is that I'm not going to find someone else that I love to spend the rest of my life with I'm going to settle for someone who's also willing to settle for someone to spend the rest of their life with so they can feel safe and not alone in the dark at night when it's cold and scary and all the evil thoughts come.

    i just want the pain to stop. The stupid scenarios and endless regrets that continuously run rampant through my mind. I just want the pain to stop, so I can try to figure out how to move forward. because right now I don't think I can and have absolutely no idea how. But if I kill myself, who will take care of my cat?

    tips for drug users

    *** I AM NOT RECOMMENDING YOU TAKE ILLEGAL DRUGS OR ABUSE PRESCRIPTION DRUGS… THIS IS FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE STRUGGLING WITH ADDICTION OR DO NOT PLAN ON BEING SOBER CURRENTLY***

    1. <>look up the drug before you just buy it. nothing is worse than buying tester chemicals or fakes for full price and risking overdose or death. look up how much people take at your weight, how long it lasts, how it interacts with other drugs etc.

    2. never take drugs when you’re out if nobody has <>a phone w/ charge. in the case of an emergency you should have easy access to a phone.

    3. <>ask your dealer if they have done the drugs they’re selling you… especially with powders like cocaine, heroin, ecstasy etc. if they claim that their stuff is pure they are definitely lyi<>ng. most powders are cut w/ vitamins and shit like aspirin.

    4. <>drink water in slow sips ALWAYS. being dehydrated makes coming down feel AWFUL and it worsens withdrawals. i did coke that was laced with (most likely) heroin once and i was so dehydrated that i started to hallucinate. my boyfriend had to make me sip warm water and my lips were cracked for weeks.

    5. <>alternate nostrils when snorting. your nose could bleed and you might be too fucked up to take care of it… also, put water in your hands and wet your nose. it will lubricate it and wash away any left over powder.

    6. use clean paper when snorting… not money. it’s dirty as fuck

    7.<> never take drugs if you have the flu or a fever

    8. <>go out prepared. bring a water bottle, extra money, napkins, tylenol or whatever else you might need, especially if you most likely wont end up home that night.

    9. <>if you show up to a hospital or call and ambulance and don’t have drugs on your person, they cannot arrest you. do not make this your deciding factor in getting emergency help… call poison control first if you’re too nervous to make the call.

    10. buy <>melatonin for when you do uppers. cocaine, molly, adderal, etc. can leave you up all night and taking two or three melatonin tablets can really help

    11. try to <>eat a nutritious meal an hour or two before you go out. you will have digested it enough that you wont puke when you use BUT you will also have something in your stomach to give you energy.

    12. if you are seriously concerned about your drug use, <>call a hotline or ask someone you trust to help you find a program. there are many many affordable options as well as some that are free.

    13. don’t drugs with people that you don’t kn<>ow. having at least one friend is very helpful, they will care more about your health/safety.

    14. make a <>Lyft (cheaper alternative to uber) account and download <>SafeTrek (an app that calls the police to your location at the press of a button… it is designed to protect people from sexual assault which happens a lot more when people are fucked up)

    15. i know we’ve all heard this but<>, never leave your drink unattended. you may FEEL like there could never be a rapist trying to drug you but you can’t ever really tell.

    16. party and drug friends most likely won’t be there for you if you decide to be sober. keep your relationships with other friends strong even though you might think they’re lame or that they don’t understand you.

    17. <>marijuana has been supremely helpful for me as I have been getting clean from a year long period of heavily using opiates, cocaine, psychedelics, ketamine, alcohol among other things. it alleviates a lot of withdrawal symptoms and it is so much safer than other drugs.

    18. people may tell you to go cold turkey (stop taking your problem drug/s all at once) BUT, <>a lot of drugs have withdrawal symptoms so serious that it can kill you. consult with a doctor, psychiatrist as you go sober. if you can’t afford that, use online resources (not drug user forums!!!)

    <>AND FINALLY,

    <>you aren’t a failure. you can still accomplish great things. there is a way for you to find happiness outside of substances. there is love and creativity beyond pills,tabs, and powders. i love you all and i believe y<>ou.