James: Party rockers in the house!
Regulus: It’s “party rock is”
James: I’m in love with you
Sirius: WOULD YOU STOP THAT?
James: Being married to a Black is great
Remus: The best
Harry: So great, even if they’re half Black
James: But they can be a tad judgmental
Remus: They’re monsters
Harry: Almost punitive
Pansy: My mother told me to stay away from boys when I was young, and if they come close, I just have to back away
Pansy: Ten years later, I’m a lesbian
Pansy: So it turns out pretty good actually
Hermione: Is this how you flirt?
Pansy: Is it working?
Draco: You wanna go to the library?
Pansy: Again?
Draco: I want to get some books for our exam
Pansy: Yeah, sure, look at us, a couple of gay best friends going there to flirt with our crushes
Draco: What?
Pansy: What?
Draco: I’m not gay
Pansy: You’re not? Then why the hell have you been dragging me there so you can woo Potter?
Draco: I didn’t woo him, are you out of your mind, Pansy?
Pansy: You stared at each other for twenty seconds without saying a word!
Draco: HE WAS BLOCKING ME FROM MY BOOK!
Pansy: …sure
Pansy: Gay
A conversation Pansy has daily with Draco-in-denial-Malfoy
Ron: Hey remember when I used to nap on your lap and you dropped a whole remote on my face one time?
Blaise: You want cake, don’t you?
Ron: That’s appalling. Why would you think that I only remind you of that because I want food?
Blaise: And chocolate
Ron: I would never do anything like that-
Blaise: And sweets
Ron: I can’t believe you have the audacity-
Blaise: I’ll cook you a 3 course meal
Ron: …
Ron: Well, since you insist so strongly…okay!
Ron: And snacks please!!
Blaise: …
Blaise: Of course
Harry: That’s some cake Draco got there
Ron: Draco isn’t holding any cake
Harry: Oh I know that
Ron: …
*1985, Black-Potter residence*
Harry: Uncle Sirius, uncle Remus, can I tell you a secret?
Sirius: Oh, what is it, Harry?
Harry: Daddy almost killed papa last night
Remus: Harry…what?
Harry: I woke up, and papa was screaming. He was calling for Merlin!
Sirius: …Merlin?
Remus: Like “Oh, Merlin”, sweetheart?
Harry: Yes! And I go into their room to save papa! And daddy’s hands were on papa’s neck, and papa couldn’t breathe!
Harry: I told daddy to stop it! And both daddy and papa screamed when they saw me. And they told me not to tell anyone
Remus: Wow, they…huh, they really did that
Harry: What does that mean, uncle Moony?
Remus: Oh, well, okay…it’s…your papa and daddy were…your daddy wasn’t killing your papa, okay?
Harry: What were they doing?
Remus: …That’s…that’s a very nice question, Harry. Maybe uncle Pads might—where’s your uncle Pads?
James, running in the yard as Sirius chases him: SIRIUS! I’M SORRY! I SAID I’M SORRY!
Draco: Ugh, I can’t stand Potter
Pansy: Then kneel
Draco: I wish
Pansy: …
Draco: I—I mean you wish! Shut up Pansy
Pansy after she walked in on Harry and Draco “duelling” with each other and not actually duelling with each other
Sirius: Why? Why, Reg?
Regulus, sighs: Why am I sleeping with James?
Sirius: Is it a pity thing? Do you pity my best friend?
Regulus: …
Sirius: Is he sick? Is Prongs dying?
Regulus: …
Sirius: Are you working for the dark side?
Regulus: …
Sirius: Damn it, he's holding you against your will, isn't he?
Regulus: Sirius-
Sirius: If he is holding you against your will, blink twice
Regulus: …
Sirius, blows at Regulus’s eyes: Blink twice, Reggie
Regulus: Really, Sirius?
Sirius: Is this revenge? When I pushed you into the lake when we were kids?
Sirius: You have a thing for glasses?
Regulus: I’m leaving the room, Sirius
Sirius: Is it huge?
Regulus: Sirius! Really?
Sirius: I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that
Sirius: Is it huge?
Harry, drunk: You’re the hottest boyfriend I’ve ever had, Draco
Draco: I’m your husband, Harry
Harry, gasp: Oh my god that’s awesome!
*Triwizard Tournament, 1994*
Draco: I’d really like it if the badges are green, because Potter stinks and I hate him
Pansy: Why can’t it be red?
Draco: Because I want it to be green
Pansy: Okay, gay
Draco: …okay, so it’s gonna be green and says “Potter stinks”
Blaise: Why can’t it say “Potter sucks”?
Draco: It’s not—no, it doesn’t make sense that way
Theodore: I think it makes sense. Maybe we can add a bit of—
Draco: Alright you know what? Get out. All of you, I’m doing this myself. Everything, I’m going to do it. Don’t touch anything!
Blaise, Pansy, Theodore: …
Pansy: Yeah sounds good
Blaise: Let’s go
Draco: Wait! You’re all leaving?
Theodore: You told us to leave
Draco: Yeah…but I kinda need help
Pansy: We might paint it yellow
Draco: …
Draco: Yeah see you tomorrow
Ron: Can you warm this up for me?
Blaise: Your hands?
Ron: No, my banana bread
Blaise: ...
Sirius: Guys, this is my baby brother, Regulus
Remus & Peter: Hi
James: What is it? Regulus? Reggie? Regulius?
Regulus: …
James: Tell me what are your hopes and dreams?
Regulus: …
James: Are you warm? I'm a little, uh, I'm a little warm right now *takes off his shirt*
Remus: Don't, Prongs-
Sirius: What the hell are you doing?
James, flexing: Oh yeah, there it is
Regulus: Please put your shirt back on. Please don't make me laugh at you.
James: Can I hit you up with some tea? A little herb tea? Merlin. How good is that, for real, what? A little herbal tea? Yum, right? Hot, sweet, a little teabag action. And I wasn't talking about—
Sirius: IF YOU DON’T STOP, JAMES-
Harry: Go with me, Ron. Draco’s standing with Blaise and we can flirt with them both!
Ron: Are you trying to get everybody rejected? I haven’t even talked to Blaise, ever! It’s gonna ruin my chance with him!
Harry: You don't have to do anything. It will just be easier if it is the two of us, like when we had Yule Ball, remember? You break the ice with some kind of jokes so that they know you're the funny one and I swoop in with some interesting conversation, so they'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding, sexy one
Ron: I thought I got to make the jokes!
Harry: Come on, help me, Ron, I don’t know how else I can flirt with Draco
Ron: Fine, all right, let’s go
Ron: Hey! Hello, um, my name is Ron, here's Harry, you know him, and we were wondering you know if you're up for it. We only need six more people for a human pyramid…
Draco & Blaise: …
Ron: Swoop! Swoop!
Harry: So! Um, oh, hey, Draco, I noticed you were reading The Daily Prophet...another flood in Europe? Here’s a question, would you rather drown or be burnt alive?
Draco & Blaise: …
Draco: I beg your pardon?
Blaise: We’re gonna leave now
Harry: …
Ron: We still got it!
*on Harry and Draco’s wedding day*
Draco: I’m so nervous. How do I look?
Ron: It’s okay, and you look great. Harry’s definitely gonna cry when he sees you
Draco: What if he doesn’t?
Ron: Oh he will, I put onions in his pockets
Draco: Is this why Blaise cried uncontrollably at your wedding?
Ron: ...perhaps
Sirius, opens door: Hey Prongs wha—what…
James: PADS! Okay! It’s not what it looks like!
Sirius: What are you doing on top of my brother?
Regulus: Sirius, calm down first
Sirius: I’m calm! I’m so calm *laughs* Now tell me what’s happening, Prongs, before I shove this wand so far up your—
James: WE’RE DATING!
Regulus: James!
James: What? He saw us
Regulus: All right, fine, James and I are dating
James: For six months
Sirius: …
Sirius: You—you-you’re dating my brother?
James: Yeah
Sirius: Without telling me?
Regulus: We were hoping you wouldn’t notice that
Sirius: Oh I can’t believe this! And to catch you guys on my own bed! What the hell is wrong with you two?
Regulus: We thought it was James’s bed!
James: And we weren’t doing anything, Pads
Sirius: YOU WERE SHOVING YOUR TONGUE DOWN MY BROTHER’S THROAT!
James: Oh...okay, we were doing one thing. At least you didn’t walk in on us when I first deflowered Reg
Regulus: James! Why would you tell him that?
James: …I don’t know
Sirius: You—you...you deflowered my brother? MY BROTHER? DEFLOWERED?
Regulus: It’s not that big of a deal, Sirius!
Sirius: Oh my god I cannot believe this! First I found my best friend fondling my baby brother on my own bed—
Regulus: Don’t say fondle, Sirius
Sirius: And now I know you took my brother, my precious brother’s flower! How could you? We’re supposed to be best friends!
James: We’re still best friends!
Sirius: YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY HIM!
Regulus: What?
Sirius: That’s right. You have to take responsibility and you have to marry my baby brother! Get on your knees, Prongs. I will make this wedding happen right now!
Regulus: Sirius, are you insane? What are you talki—James, stand up! Do not kneel down!
James: I’M SO CONFUSED!
Draco: Stay still, Harry, you lost a lot of blood
Harry: I didn’t “lose” my blood, Draco, I know exactly where it is
Harry, pointing to the large puddle of blood: Right there
Ron: Are you staying for the party?
Draco: I can’t, I’m leaving early to see a Quidditch match later. Kings versus Blackhawks
Ron: Wow, they can call a team that? I’ve never heard of them. Is Blaise playing?
Draco: Black HAWKS!
Ron: …oh