Pansy: My mother told me to stay away from boys when I was young, and if they come close, I just have to back away

Pansy: Ten years later, I’m a lesbian

Pansy: So it turns out pretty good actually

Hermione: Is this how you flirt?

Pansy: Is it working?

Draco: My New Year’s resolution is to stop talking about Potter

Pansy: Really?

Draco: Well, talk less about Potter

Pansy: Really?

Draco: …

Draco: One time a day?

Pansy: Doubtful

Draco: Oh shut up, Pansy. What about you?

Pansy: I’ll gossip less

Blaise: Draco has a higher chance of shutting up about Potter than you quitting your binge shopping hobby, Pansy

Pansy: Okay, I’ll do it if you stop spending your mother’s money on spoiling Ron

Blaise: …I don’t agree to that

Theodore: And my resolution is to stop hoeing around and sleeping with guys

Draco, Pansy, Blaise: …

Draco: You already broke it

Theodore: Yeah…

*

Hermione: What are your New Year’s resolutions?

Ron: My resolution is to go on a diet

Ginny: Aren’t you dating Blaise Zabini, who, by the way, buys every food he could for you?

Ron: …unrelated, next!

Hermione: Well, mine is to read more books

Ron: Careful, Hermione, or else there won’t be any books left for you to read

Ginny: That sucks, by the way. You should do something fun, like go to a pub more this year

Hermione: But I don’t want to…

Ginny: Okay, anyway, I’ll try to jinx fewer people for teasing Luna this year

Harry: That’s nic—

Ginny: I’ll knee them in the guts instead

Hermione: …what about you, Harry?

Harry: Mine’s to stop thinking about what Malfoy is up to

Ron: You’re holding the Marauders’ map in your hand

Harry: That’s also very unrelated, I’m not looking at him

Ron: Oh, I think he’s going to our dorm

Harry: WHERE?

Hermione, Ron, Ginny: …

Harry: That does not prove anything

Draco: Harry, um, don’t forget to get a shot of Jamie’s cake. It’s in a box in the fridge

Harry: Sure

Draco: Oh, you're gonna love this cake, everyone. I got it from a famous bakery downtown

Pansy: Oh my god, that place has the creamiest frosting!

Draco: Well, anyway, they make these great novelty cakes, in all different shapes, and if you give them a photo, they’ll copy it in icing!

Pansy: Oh, did you do a picture of little Jamie?

Draco: Yes! On a cake shaped like a bunny!

Harry: Uh, Draco? Does this bakery by any chance also bake erotic cakes? Say for bachelorette parties?

Draco: Harry, what are you talking about—Oh! Oh my god! They put my baby’s face on a penis!

Ginny *sees the cake*: Oh! NOW it’s a party!

Draco: You guys this isn't funny, all right? If I wanted this cake to be a disaster I would have baked it myself!

Ron *staring at the cake*: Uh..is it ok that I still think it looks delicious?

Theodore, to Neville: Nev, look at this

Neville: I know what you're thinking Theo, the resemblance is uncanny!

Harry: I am this close to kicking you two out again

Draco *on the phone*: No, no. This is not what I ordered. I went all the way downtown so that I could have the perfect cake for my son’s birthday and I need a bunny cake, right now!

Harry: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby’s face off the prick, so we can put it on the bunny...That is a weird sentence!

Draco: Oh! Believe you me! I am going to bring this cake back, I don't even want it in my home—Ron, don't touch it!!

Ron: I'm so confused!

Draco *on the phone*: Yes, yes. I still want my son’s picture, but on a bunny cake. Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts!

Pansy: To be fair this one does have nuts...

*later*

Harry: Hey Hermione, that was really nice of you to loan Draco your car so he could go and get the cake

Hermione: Oh. So nice of him to pull my hair 'till I dropped the key!

Harry: What am I going to do? That bloke is hitting on Draco!

Hermione: All right look, you're going to have to go there yourself now to see him, okay, make a few surprise visits at St Mungo’s

Harry: I don't know you guys

Hermione: All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile he is talking to that bloke about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and Draco starts thinking “Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me and not Harry”

Ron: And before you know it, Draco’s with him. And you'll be all, “Oh, man!” And he'll be all, “Yes!”. And us, we'll be like, “Wh-whoa, dude” And pretty soon you'll be like *in a sad tone* “Hi”, and-and, “I can't go, Draco and that bloke might be there”. And we'll be like, “Harry get over it, it's been four years!”

Harry: ...

Hermione: He paints quite a picture, doesn't he?

Draco: Neville, I can’t believe you finally lost your virginity

Harry: Wait, this isn’t like the time you got another toad, named it Virginity and then lost it, is it?

Neville: ...

Pansy: Oh, that seems heavy, can I give you a hand?

Hermione: You’re pointing at my boobs

Pansy: ...your point being?

Hermione: If there are 11 people and 10 chairs, what will you do?

Neville: I’ll bring one extra chair

Pansy: I’ll push that extra person out of the chair

Ron: I’ll sacrifice myself

Draco: I’ll ride Harry

Hermione: ...you mean you’ll sit on Harry?

Draco: Oh yes, that too

Pansy: You ever laugh so hard you grab your boobs?

Hermione: No, and it also doesn’t explain why your hands are on mine

Pansy: Hermione, come on, don’t be mad

Ginny: What’s wrong?

Hermione: Pansy didn’t know we were going on a date last night

Ginny: You didn’t know you were on a date?

Pansy: I did not—okay, I did not know! But who knows if you just wanna have dinner with me as friends or more?

Hermione: We kissed in front of my door!

Pansy: It could have been a friendly kiss between girls! I didn’t realise!

Hermione: I invited you inside, Pansy

Pansy: I’m a lesbian, it gets really confusing sometimes!

Hermione: ...

Harry: Guys, look, Malfoy just sent me a letter

Hermione: Oh, no, really? Why would he—this says “rail me”, Harry

Harry: I know! Why would he write something like that and send it to me. It’s a death threat, right? He’s taunting me

Ron: Rock paper scissor, who loses gets to tell him?

Hermione: ...

Hermione: Yeah

Hermione: Did you just walk out of Malfoy’s dorm, Harry?

Harry: Er, yeah. You know what Ron says, if you can’t beat them, join them, and I did

Ron: I never said that, I said if you can’t beat Malfoy, screw him

Harry: Yeah, I did that too

Hermione & Ron: ...

Harry: Malfoy has been speaking French whenever he sees me now, I think he’s cursing at me in French so I won’t understand

Hermione: Really? Why would he do that?

Harry: I don’t know. Oh! Here he comes! You’ll see

Draco, walks by: Je suis amoureux de toi, espèce d'idiot!!!

Harry: Did you hear that? I mean, he’s cursing at me, right?

Hermione, sighs: ...oh, Harry

Hermione: What’s a better word for “breast”?

Neville: Boo bees

Ginny: The gorlz

Harry: Bazookas

Draco: Calcium cannons

Blaise: Honka honkas

Dean: Cha chas

Seamus: Badonkadonks

Luna: Hakuna matata

Ron: Chesticle

Pansy: Mummy milke-

Hermione: NO!

Hermione: Pansy, I told you, that is not the correct way to cast a spell

Pansy: I don’t see why “Wingardium Levioslay” isn’t right

Hermione: ...

*on Draco’s birthday*

Draco: Who's this from?

Ron: Oh, that's Harry’s present for you

Draco: Oh my god. He remembered

Luna: Remembered what?

Draco: It was like months ago. Harry and I were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my mother had when I was a little boy. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!

Luna: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune

Hermione: I can't believe he did this

Ron: Come on, Harry? Remember back in Hogwarts, when he fell in love with Ginny and bought her that ridiculously expensive broom?

Everyone: ...

Draco: What did you just say?

Ron: Er...uh...broom

Draco: No, no, no...the...“love” part?

Ron *stuttering*: F-hah...flennin...

Draco: Oh...my god

Ron *rubbing his temples*: Oh, no-no-no-no...

Ginny: That’s good, just keep rubbing your head, Ron. That'll turn back time

Draco: I mean, this is unbelievable

Luna: I know. This is really, really huge

Ron: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee!

Luna: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again

Ron: Okay, is there a mute button on her?

Pansy: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Harry! Did you have any idea?

Draco: No! None! I mean, on New Year, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just...W-well, Ginny, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?

Ginny: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something

Hermione: Look, I got another O on the test!

Pansy: Why do you have to be on top of the class when you can be on top of me?

McGonagall: Miss Parkinson, we’re still in class

Pansy: ...right, sorry Professor

Pansy: You know why I don’t like wands?

Hermione: Is this one of those times you’d make a lame joke?

Pansy: No

Hermione: Okay, why don’t you like wands?

Pansy *laughs*: Because I’m a lesbian. Get it?

Hermione *sighs*: You’re lucky I married you

Harry: Hi, darling, I’m home

Draco: Hi hon—

Ron: Hello to you too, cupcake

Pansy: Why so late, sugarplum?

Ginny: Must be a busy day, cuddle bug

Hermione: Sit down and relax, honey bun

Harry: I was talking to Draco

Everyone: We know

Lesbians united!

*Hogwarts Eighth Year*

Harry: I think Malfoy is up to something

Ron: Did I-did I just go back in time? To two years ago? My Time-Turner works!

Hermione: *sighs*