James: Party rockers in the house!

Regulus: It’s “party rock is”

James: I’m in love with you

Sirius: WOULD YOU STOP THAT?

Ron: Hey remember when I used to nap on your lap and you dropped a whole remote on my face one time?

Blaise: You want cake, don’t you?

Ron: That’s appalling. Why would you think that I only remind you of that because I want food?

Blaise: And chocolate

Ron: I would never do anything like that-

Blaise: And sweets

Ron: I can’t believe you have the audacity-

Blaise: I’ll cook you a 3 course meal

Ron: …

Ron: Well, since you insist so strongly…okay!

Ron: And snacks please!!

Blaise: …

Blaise: Of course

Harry: That’s some cake Draco got there

Ron: Draco isn’t holding any cake

Harry: Oh I know that

Ron: …

*1985, Black-Potter residence*

Harry: Uncle Sirius, uncle Remus, can I tell you a secret?

Sirius: Oh, what is it, Harry?

Harry: Daddy almost killed papa last night

Remus: Harry…what?

Harry: I woke up, and papa was screaming. He was calling for Merlin!

Sirius: …Merlin?

Remus: Like “Oh, Merlin”, sweetheart?

Harry: Yes! And I go into their room to save papa! And daddy’s hands were on papa’s neck, and papa couldn’t breathe!

Harry: I told daddy to stop it! And both daddy and papa screamed when they saw me. And they told me not to tell anyone

Remus: Wow, they…huh, they really did that

Harry: What does that mean, uncle Moony?

Remus: Oh, well, okay…it’s…your papa and daddy were…your daddy wasn’t killing your papa, okay?

Harry: What were they doing?

Remus: …That’s…that’s a very nice question, Harry. Maybe uncle Pads might—where’s your uncle Pads?

James, running in the yard as Sirius chases him: SIRIUS! I’M SORRY! I SAID I’M SORRY!

Draco: Ugh, I can’t stand Potter

Pansy: Then kneel

Draco: I wish

Pansy: …

Draco: I—I mean you wish! Shut up Pansy

Pansy after she walked in on Harry and Draco “duelling” with each other and not actually duelling with each other

Sirius: Why? Why, Reg?

Regulus, sighs: Why am I sleeping with James?

Sirius: Is it a pity thing? Do you pity my best friend?

Regulus: …

Sirius: Is he sick? Is Prongs dying?

Regulus: …

Sirius: Are you working for the dark side?

Regulus: …

Sirius: Damn it, he's holding you against your will, isn't he?

Regulus: Sirius-

Sirius: If he is holding you against your will, blink twice

Regulus: …

Sirius, blows at Regulus’s eyes: Blink twice, Reggie

Regulus: Really, Sirius?

Sirius: Is this revenge? When I pushed you into the lake when we were kids?

Sirius: You have a thing for glasses?

Regulus: I’m leaving the room, Sirius

Sirius: Is it huge?

Regulus: Sirius! Really?

Sirius: I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that

Sirius: Is it huge?

Harry, drunk: You’re the hottest boyfriend I’ve ever had, Draco

Draco: I’m your husband, Harry

Harry, gasp: Oh my god that’s awesome!

Ron: Can you warm this up for me?

Blaise: Your hands?

Ron: No, my banana bread

Blaise: ...

Sirius: Guys, this is my baby brother, Regulus

Remus & Peter: Hi

James: What is it? Regulus? Reggie? Regulius?

Regulus: …

James: Tell me what are your hopes and dreams?

Regulus: …

James: Are you warm? I'm a little, uh, I'm a little warm right now *takes off his shirt*

Remus: Don't, Prongs-

Sirius: What the hell are you doing?

James, flexing: Oh yeah, there it is

Regulus: Please put your shirt back on. Please don't make me laugh at you.

James: Can I hit you up with some tea? A little herb tea? Merlin. How good is that, for real, what? A little herbal tea? Yum, right? Hot, sweet, a little teabag action. And I wasn't talking about—

Sirius: IF YOU DON’T STOP, JAMES-

Sirius, opens door: Hey Prongs wha—what…

James: PADS! Okay! It’s not what it looks like!

Sirius: What are you doing on top of my brother?

Regulus: Sirius, calm down first

Sirius: I’m calm! I’m so calm *laughs* Now tell me what’s happening, Prongs, before I shove this wand so far up your—

James: WE’RE DATING!

Regulus: James!

James: What? He saw us

Regulus: All right, fine, James and I are dating

James: For six months

Sirius: …

Sirius: You—you-you’re dating my brother?

James: Yeah

Sirius: Without telling me?

Regulus: We were hoping you wouldn’t notice that

Sirius: Oh I can’t believe this! And to catch you guys on my own bed! What the hell is wrong with you two?

Regulus: We thought it was James’s bed!

James: And we weren’t doing anything, Pads

Sirius: YOU WERE SHOVING YOUR TONGUE DOWN MY BROTHER’S THROAT!

James: Oh...okay, we were doing one thing. At least you didn’t walk in on us when I first deflowered Reg

Regulus: James! Why would you tell him that?

James: …I don’t know

Sirius: You—you...you deflowered my brother? MY BROTHER? DEFLOWERED?

Regulus: It’s not that big of a deal, Sirius!

Sirius: Oh my god I cannot believe this! First I found my best friend fondling my baby brother on my own bed—

Regulus: Don’t say fondle, Sirius

Sirius: And now I know you took my brother, my precious brother’s flower! How could you? We’re supposed to be best friends!

James: We’re still best friends!

Sirius: YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY HIM!

Regulus: What?

Sirius: That’s right. You have to take responsibility and you have to marry my baby brother! Get on your knees, Prongs. I will make this wedding happen right now!

Regulus: Sirius, are you insane? What are you talki—James, stand up! Do not kneel down!

James: I’M SO CONFUSED!

Draco: Stay still, Harry, you lost a lot of blood

Harry: I didn’t “lose” my blood, Draco, I know exactly where it is

Harry, pointing to the large puddle of blood: Right there

Draco during the Triwizard Tournament

Harry: Kissing burns 6.4 calories every minute

Harry: Wanna burn some calories with me, Draco?

Draco: Are you calling me fat?

Sirius: What’s your resolution for New Year, guys? You start first, Reggie

Regulus: I don’t got one

Sirius: None?

Regulus: Well, I’d like to be invited less to your lame parties with your friends

Sirius: Impossible. And my parties are cool. Prongs?

James: I wanna ask someone I like out

Sirius: Oh, really? You’re finally asking Lily out?

James: No, no, not her

Sirius: Well who is it then? Do I know them?

James: …that’s a very tricky question you’re asking, Pads

Sirius: Come on, what? Who is it? Moony, you know who Prongs is talking about?

Remus: …why don’t you talk about your resolution, Wormtail?

Peter: Oh, yeah, sure, I’d like to eat more vegetables, if I can

Sirius: That’s very healthy, Peter. Why don’t you tell me who it is, Prongs?

James: Pads, it’s no big deal

Sirius: You’re hiding something, aren’t you? You’re all pink

James: I’m not!

Sirius: Who is it? Is it some—oh Merlin, is it one of us? Is that why you can’t say it? You have a crush on someone here?

James: …

Sirius: Oh, no, is it—is it me?

James: What? No! No! Not you, I swear

Sirius: Okay, okay good, I’m slightly offended, but good. Who is it?

James: I’m not gonna tell you, Pads

Sirius: This is so unfair, it’s New Year, we gotta let go of all the secrets, Prongs. Who do you got a crush on?

Sirius: It isn’t me. So Moony?

James: …

Sirius: Wormtail?

James: …

Sirius: My Reggie?

James: Pads—

Sirius: Oh God, it’s Reg? You-you got a crush on my little brother? Regulus? My BROTHER? REGGIE?

Remus: James, run!

Regulus: Sirius and I are the best cowboys in Hogwarts

Sirius: Yee fucking haw!

James: ...

James: Are they really talking about real cowboys—

Remus: No

Harry: That’s the only thing keeping me alive right now

Ron: You’re looking at Draco’s ass

Harry: Exactly

Pansy: What happened? Did you and Potter work it out after that fight?

Draco: Yeah, we’re good, he apologized, I apologized. We’re good

Pansy: You two fucked, didn’t you?

Draco: A little bit, yeah

Sirius: Reggie, are you dating someone?

Regulus: What?

Sirius: You’ve been sneaking out every night, giggling while reading your letters. Are you?

Regulus: …okay, yeah, I’m dating someone

Sirius: Why haven’t I met him yet? I wanna see the guy who manages to get my brother! Surely I’m going to like him!

Regulus: Yeah, no doubt you will

Sirius: Really? Who is this guy? Do I know him?

Regulus: Some would say even better than I do

Sirius: That’s brilliant...but, you’re not dating Moony right?

Regulus: Oh, no, don’t worry about that

Sirius: Oh, okay

Regulus: I’m dating James

Sirius: I’m sorry, what?

Regulus: I’m dating James

Sirius: No, I heard you the first time. James…as in James Potter? James Potter, my best friend? That James?

Regulus: Yes, we’ve been going out for six months now

Sirius: WITHOUT TELLING ME?

Regulus: Sirius, it’s not that big of a deal—

Sirius: Did he deflower you?

Regulus: What? Sirius—

Sirius: Did my best friend in the whole wide world deflower my dear younger brother or did he not, Regulus?

Regulus: I...okay, yes, we did—wait! Where are you going? No—put your wand down! Sirius—stop!

Regulus: You know, James, I was thinking. You know how we always stay at your dorm? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my dorm

James: I don't know, I don't have my jammies

Regulus: Well…maybe you don't need them

Sirius: ...My baby brother, ladies and gentlemen