James: Party rockers in the house!

    Regulus: It’s “party rock is”

    James: I’m in love with you


    Ron: Hey remember when I used to nap on your lap and you dropped a whole remote on my face one time?

    Blaise: You want cake, don’t you?

    Ron: That’s appalling. Why would you think that I only remind you of that because I want food?

    Blaise: And chocolate

    Ron: I would never do anything like that-

    Blaise: And sweets

    Ron: I can’t believe you have the audacity-

    Blaise: I’ll cook you a 3 course meal


    Ron: Well, since you insist so strongly…okay!

    Ron: And snacks please!!


    Blaise: Of course

    *1985, Black-Potter residence*

    Harry: Uncle Sirius, uncle Remus, can I tell you a secret?

    Sirius: Oh, what is it, Harry?

    Harry: Daddy almost killed papa last night

    Remus: Harry…what?

    Harry: I woke up, and papa was screaming. He was calling for Merlin!

    Sirius: …Merlin?

    Remus: Like “Oh, Merlin”, sweetheart?

    Harry: Yes! And I go into their room to save papa! And daddy’s hands were on papa’s neck, and papa couldn’t breathe!

    Harry: I told daddy to stop it! And both daddy and papa screamed when they saw me. And they told me not to tell anyone

    Remus: Wow, they…huh, they really did that

    Harry: What does that mean, uncle Moony?

    Remus: Oh, well, okay…it’s…your papa and daddy were…your daddy wasn’t killing your papa, okay?

    Harry: What were they doing?

    Remus: …That’s…that’s a very nice question, Harry. Maybe uncle Pads might—where’s your uncle Pads?

    James, running in the yard as Sirius chases him: SIRIUS! I’M SORRY! I SAID I’M SORRY!

    Draco: Ugh, I can’t stand Potter

    Pansy: Then kneel

    Draco: I wish


    Draco: I—I mean you wish! Shut up Pansy

    Pansy after she walked in on Harry and Draco “duelling” with each other and not actually duelling with each other

    Sirius: Why? Why, Reg?

    Regulus, sighs: Why am I sleeping with James?

    Sirius: Is it a pity thing? Do you pity my best friend?


    Sirius: Is he sick? Is Prongs dying?


    Sirius: Are you working for the dark side?


    Sirius: Damn it, he's holding you against your will, isn't he?

    Regulus: Sirius-

    Sirius: If he is holding you against your will, blink twice


    Sirius, blows at Regulus’s eyes: Blink twice, Reggie

    Regulus: Really, Sirius?

    Sirius: Is this revenge? When I pushed you into the lake when we were kids?

    Sirius: You have a thing for glasses?

    Regulus: I’m leaving the room, Sirius

    Sirius: Is it huge?

    Regulus: Sirius! Really?

    Sirius: I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that

    Sirius: Is it huge?

    Harry, drunk: You’re the hottest boyfriend I’ve ever had, Draco

    Draco: I’m your husband, Harry

    Harry, gasp: Oh my god that’s awesome!

    Sirius: Guys, this is my baby brother, Regulus

    Remus & Peter: Hi

    James: What is it? Regulus? Reggie? Regulius?


    James: Tell me what are your hopes and dreams?


    James: Are you warm? I'm a little, uh, I'm a little warm right now *takes off his shirt*

    Remus: Don't, Prongs-

    Sirius: What the hell are you doing?

    James, flexing: Oh yeah, there it is

    Regulus: Please put your shirt back on. Please don't make me laugh at you.

    James: Can I hit you up with some tea? A little herb tea? Merlin. How good is that, for real, what? A little herbal tea? Yum, right? Hot, sweet, a little teabag action. And I wasn't talking about—


    Sirius, opens door: Hey Prongs wha—what…

    James: PADS! Okay! It’s not what it looks like!

    Sirius: What are you doing on top of my brother?

    Regulus: Sirius, calm down first

    Sirius: I’m calm! I’m so calm *laughs* Now tell me what’s happening, Prongs, before I shove this wand so far up your—

    James: WE’RE DATING!

    Regulus: James!

    James: What? He saw us

    Regulus: All right, fine, James and I are dating

    James: For six months


    Sirius: You—you-you’re dating my brother?

    James: Yeah

    Sirius: Without telling me?

    Regulus: We were hoping you wouldn’t notice that

    Sirius: Oh I can’t believe this! And to catch you guys on my own bed! What the hell is wrong with you two?

    Regulus: We thought it was James’s bed!

    James: And we weren’t doing anything, Pads


    James: Oh...okay, we were doing one thing. At least you didn’t walk in on us when I first deflowered Reg

    Regulus: James! Why would you tell him that?

    James: …I don’t know

    Sirius: You—you...you deflowered my brother? MY BROTHER? DEFLOWERED?

    Regulus: It’s not that big of a deal, Sirius!

    Sirius: Oh my god I cannot believe this! First I found my best friend fondling my baby brother on my own bed—

    Regulus: Don’t say fondle, Sirius

    Sirius: And now I know you took my brother, my precious brother’s flower! How could you? We’re supposed to be best friends!

    James: We’re still best friends!


    Regulus: What?

    Sirius: That’s right. You have to take responsibility and you have to marry my baby brother! Get on your knees, Prongs. I will make this wedding happen right now!

    Regulus: Sirius, are you insane? What are you talki—James, stand up! Do not kneel down!

    James: I’M SO CONFUSED!

    Draco: Stay still, Harry, you lost a lot of blood

    Harry: I didn’t “lose” my blood, Draco, I know exactly where it is

    Harry, pointing to the large puddle of blood: Right there

    Harry: Kissing burns 6.4 calories every minute

    Harry: Wanna burn some calories with me, Draco?

    Draco: Are you calling me fat?

    Sirius: What’s your resolution for New Year, guys? You start first, Reggie

    Regulus: I don’t got one

    Sirius: None?

    Regulus: Well, I’d like to be invited less to your lame parties with your friends

    Sirius: Impossible. And my parties are cool. Prongs?

    James: I wanna ask someone I like out

    Sirius: Oh, really? You’re finally asking Lily out?

    James: No, no, not her

    Sirius: Well who is it then? Do I know them?

    James: …that’s a very tricky question you’re asking, Pads

    Sirius: Come on, what? Who is it? Moony, you know who Prongs is talking about?

    Remus: …why don’t you talk about your resolution, Wormtail?

    Peter: Oh, yeah, sure, I’d like to eat more vegetables, if I can

    Sirius: That’s very healthy, Peter. Why don’t you tell me who it is, Prongs?

    James: Pads, it’s no big deal

    Sirius: You’re hiding something, aren’t you? You’re all pink

    James: I’m not!

    Sirius: Who is it? Is it some—oh Merlin, is it one of us? Is that why you can’t say it? You have a crush on someone here?


    Sirius: Oh, no, is it—is it me?

    James: What? No! No! Not you, I swear

    Sirius: Okay, okay good, I’m slightly offended, but good. Who is it?

    James: I’m not gonna tell you, Pads

    Sirius: This is so unfair, it’s New Year, we gotta let go of all the secrets, Prongs. Who do you got a crush on?

    Sirius: It isn’t me. So Moony?


    Sirius: Wormtail?


    Sirius: My Reggie?

    James: Pads—

    Sirius: Oh God, it’s Reg? You-you got a crush on my little brother? Regulus? My BROTHER? REGGIE?

    Remus: James, run!

    Regulus: Sirius and I are the best cowboys in Hogwarts

    Sirius: Yee fucking haw!

    James: ...

    James: Are they really talking about real cowboys—

    Remus: No

    Harry: That’s the only thing keeping me alive right now

    Ron: You’re looking at Draco’s ass

    Harry: Exactly

    Pansy: What happened? Did you and Potter work it out after that fight?

    Draco: Yeah, we’re good, he apologized, I apologized. We’re good

    Pansy: You two fucked, didn’t you?

    Draco: A little bit, yeah

    Sirius: Reggie, are you dating someone?

    Regulus: What?

    Sirius: You’ve been sneaking out every night, giggling while reading your letters. Are you?

    Regulus: …okay, yeah, I’m dating someone

    Sirius: Why haven’t I met him yet? I wanna see the guy who manages to get my brother! Surely I’m going to like him!

    Regulus: Yeah, no doubt you will

    Sirius: Really? Who is this guy? Do I know him?

    Regulus: Some would say even better than I do

    Sirius: That’s brilliant...but, you’re not dating Moony right?

    Regulus: Oh, no, don’t worry about that

    Sirius: Oh, okay

    Regulus: I’m dating James

    Sirius: I’m sorry, what?

    Regulus: I’m dating James

    Sirius: No, I heard you the first time. James…as in James Potter? James Potter, my best friend? That James?

    Regulus: Yes, we’ve been going out for six months now


    Regulus: Sirius, it’s not that big of a deal—

    Sirius: Did he deflower you?

    Regulus: What? Sirius—

    Sirius: Did my best friend in the whole wide world deflower my dear younger brother or did he not, Regulus?

    Regulus: I...okay, yes, we did—wait! Where are you going? No—put your wand down! Sirius—stop!

    Regulus: You know, James, I was thinking. You know how we always stay at your dorm? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my dorm

    James: I don't know, I don't have my jammies

    Regulus: Well…maybe you don't need them

    Sirius: ...My baby brother, ladies and gentlemen