Remus: You and Reg are going away this weekend?

James: Yeah!

Sirius: Wait, you can't go away this weekend! It's Teddy’s birthday! We're having a party!

Regulus: Well, I'm sorry, but James and I could really use a weekend away. You know, to reconnect...emotionally

James: There's this thing I really want us to do. I read about it in a…book

Remus: Well, can't you just go the next day?

Sirius: Yeah, we want everyone to be there. As much as I hate to delay my best friend doing…weird sex stuff to my baby brother

Sirius: Wow, this is a really nice place, guys

James: Yeah, and here’s the nursery, that’s our bedroom

Sirius: Oh, hey, what’s that on your bed?

Regulus: Sirius, it’s nothing—

Sirius: Is this handcuffs?

James: …no

Sirius: It’s handcuffs

James: Okay, yes, but we didn’t use it

Sirius: It’s on your bed, and you—your wrists are bruised, Reggie

Regulus: …I tripped

Sirius: And got bruises around your wrists?

Regulus: Yes

Sirius: Do you think I’m dumb?

James: Okay, we did use it, only once so far, and Reg was only cuffed so I can give him a strip tease with scarves, and then after—

Regulus: James…my brother doesn’t need to know about our sex life. What we do in the bedroom is our thing, Sirius, even if James gave me a naked dance with a scarf on

Sirius: …I can’t verbally explain how disturbing that is to me

James: Which part? The handcuffs or the dance with the scar—

Sirius: EVERYTHING!

James: Party rockers in the house!

Regulus: It’s “party rock is”

James: I’m in love with you

Sirius: WOULD YOU STOP THAT?

Sirius: Are you ready for the picnic?

Regulus: Yeah, in a minute, daddy’s taking the blanket

Sirius: Daddy?

Regulus: Oh, we call each other that so Harry’d get familiar with it. I’m papa, James is daddy

Sirius: It is still weird to hear my younger brother calling my best friend daddy

Regulus: Sirius, it’s not like that. Daddy! You got the blanket yet?

James: Yes, I got it, right here

Sirius: Look at you, Prongs, you’re all blushing

James: What? I’m not...I’m not, I’m not blushing because Reggie calls me daddy

Sirius: ...I wasn’t implying that

James: Oh, okay, good

Sirius: But I guess it’s okay, as long as you don’t call Prongs that in the bedroom *laughs*

James & Regulus: ...

Sirius: You...you don’t, right?

Regulus: Hey would you look at the time time, let’s go!

Sirius: Guys! Stop! Are you serious?

James: No, you are!

Sirius: Normally I’d laugh but how DARE you use my joke on me? Moony stop laughing! We’re married! You’re supposed to be on my side!

Sirius: I can’t believe my best friend and my brother got married!

James: Thanks, Pads

Sirius: And now the wedding is over

Regulus: ...yeah

Sirius: And you’ll be enjoying your honeymoon soon

James: Yes, in Paris

Sirius: Paris, so much fun

Regulus: So, we’re going to our room now

Sirius: Oh, right, yes, you two have to...um, do the thing...that is the thing that you do...together, right. The thing...consumate thing

Regulus: Don’t be weird, Sirius, we’re all grown men

Sirius: I’m not weird! I’m cool! I’m really cool with my best friend...doing my brother...all night long. Cool. Totally cool!

Remus: Pads, you have to let them go in the room

Sirius: Sure, right, of course

James & Regulus: ...

Remus: ...

Sirius: So is anyone up for a bite? All of us! Let’s go!

Remus: *sighs*

Remus: Prongs! We’re so glad you’re back from the mission

James: Yeah, I miss you guys

Sirius: Yeah? Who do you miss most?

James: Reggie

Sirius: Not me?

James: Well, I miss everyone equally the same, I just miss my Reggie the most

Sirius: That’s offensive, but I’ll take it. And?

James: And...?

Sirius: And who else?

James: You guys

Sirius: Yeah, but who’s the second one? If you say Moony, I am going to scream, I will

James: ...there is no second place, Pads

Sirius: Oh so my brother is your first but we’re all the same to you?

Remus: Pads, we’ve been through this before-

Regulus: Sirius, I have something to tell you. James and I are dating

Sirius: WHAT? WITHOUT TELLING ME?

Regulus: Well I’m telling you now!

Sirius: ONLY NOW? I want to hear everything, the beginning, the present—oh Merlin, present. What am I supposed to give you two for your wedding?

Regulus: Sirius, calm down! We’re just dating!

Sirius: Am I the best man? Please tell me I’m the best man *gasps* Can I officiate the wedding? Oh please, please, please!

Regulus: Sirius! Would you just—

Sirius: PLEASE!

Regulus: Fine! You can officiate our wedding!

Sirius: SO THERE IS GONNA BE A WEDDING? WHEN? WHERE? Oh! Let’s do an outdoor wedding! With dragons! *gasps* I’m making a playlist for your honeymoon night with James now! Maybe something romantic and saucy! Oh I’m going to have a nephew or a niece soon. I’m going to be an uncle! This is the best day ever! *starts crying*

Regulus *sighs*: Sirius...

Sirius: I can’t believe I’m here on this special day, my best friend and my brother are finally married. I’ve witnessed the two of them being together for only two years—

Remus: Sirius, don’t—

Sirius: Since they decided to keep it a secret from me for one whole year, before I found out about it myself, when I walked in on them snogging on my bed, my very own bed

Regulus: Sirius...

James: Mate, that was years ago

Sirius: WELL IT STILL HURTS, JAMES!

Regulus: Sirius, I have something to tell you. James and I are dating

Sirius: WHAT? WITHOUT TELLING ME?

Regulus: Well I’m telling you now!

Sirius: ONLY NOW? I want to hear everything, the beginning, the present—oh Merlin, present. What am I supposed to give you two for your wedding?

Regulus: Sirius, calm down! We’re just dating!

Sirius: Am I the best man? Please tell me I’m the best man *gasps* Can I officiate the wedding? Oh please, please, please!

Regulus: Sirius! Would you just—

Sirius: PLEASE!

Regulus: Fine! You can officiate our wedding!

Sirius: SO THERE IS GONNA BE A WEDDING? WHEN? WHERE? Oh! Let’s do an outdoor wedding! With dragons! *gasps* I’m making a playlist for your honeymoon night with James now! Maybe something romantic and saucy! Oh I’m going to have a nephew or a niece soon. I’m going to be an uncle! This is the best day ever! *starts crying*

Regulus *sighs*: Sirius...

Sirius: I can’t believe I’m here on this special day, my best friend and my brother are finally married. I’ve witnessed the two of them being together for only two years—

Remus: Sirius, don’t—

Sirius: Since they decided to keep it a secret from me for one whole year, before I found out about it myself, when I walked in on them snogging on my bed, my very own bed

Regulus: Sirius...

James: Mate, that was years ago

Sirius: WELL IT STILL HURTS, JAMES!