Sirius: Wow, this is a really nice place, guys

James: Yeah, and here’s the nursery, that’s our bedroom

Sirius: Oh, hey, what’s that on your bed?

Regulus: Sirius, it’s nothing—

Sirius: Is this handcuffs?

James: …no

Sirius: It’s handcuffs

James: Okay, yes, but we didn’t use it

Sirius: It’s on your bed, and you—your wrists are bruised, Reggie

Regulus: …I tripped

Sirius: And got bruises around your wrists?

Regulus: Yes

Sirius: Do you think I’m dumb?

James: Okay, we did use it, only once so far, and Reg was only cuffed so I can give him a strip tease with scarves, and then after—

Regulus: James…my brother doesn’t need to know about our sex life. What we do in the bedroom is our thing, Sirius, even if James gave me a naked dance with a scarf on

Sirius: …I can’t verbally explain how disturbing that is to me

James: Which part? The handcuffs or the dance with the scar—

Sirius: EVERYTHING!

Sirius, opens door: Hey Prongs wha—what…

James: PADS! Okay! It’s not what it looks like!

Sirius: What are you doing on top of my brother?

Regulus: Sirius, calm down first

Sirius: I’m calm! I’m so calm *laughs* Now tell me what’s happening, Prongs, before I shove this wand so far up your—

James: WE’RE DATING!

Regulus: James!

James: What? He saw us

Regulus: All right, fine, James and I are dating

James: For six months

Sirius: …

Sirius: You—you-you’re dating my brother?

James: Yeah

Sirius: Without telling me?

Regulus: We were hoping you wouldn’t notice that

Sirius: Oh I can’t believe this! And to catch you guys on my own bed! What the hell is wrong with you two?

Regulus: We thought it was James’s bed!

James: And we weren’t doing anything, Pads

Sirius: YOU WERE SHOVING YOUR TONGUE DOWN MY BROTHER’S THROAT!

James: Oh...okay, we were doing one thing. At least you didn’t walk in on us when I first deflowered Reg

Regulus: James! Why would you tell him that?

James: …I don’t know

Sirius: You—you...you deflowered my brother? MY BROTHER? DEFLOWERED?

Regulus: It’s not that big of a deal, Sirius!

Sirius: Oh my god I cannot believe this! First I found my best friend fondling my baby brother on my own bed—

Regulus: Don’t say fondle, Sirius

Sirius: And now I know you took my brother, my precious brother’s flower! How could you? We’re supposed to be best friends!

James: We’re still best friends!

Sirius: YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY HIM!

Regulus: What?

Sirius: That’s right. You have to take responsibility and you have to marry my baby brother! Get on your knees, Prongs. I will make this wedding happen right now!

Regulus: Sirius, are you insane? What are you talki—James, stand up! Do not kneel down!

James: I’M SO CONFUSED!

Sirius: What’s your resolution for New Year, guys? You start first, Reggie

Regulus: I don’t got one

Sirius: None?

Regulus: Well, I’d like to be invited less to your lame parties with your friends

Sirius: Impossible. And my parties are cool. Prongs?

James: I wanna ask someone I like out

Sirius: Oh, really? You’re finally asking Lily out?

James: No, no, not her

Sirius: Well who is it then? Do I know them?

James: …that’s a very tricky question you’re asking, Pads

Sirius: Come on, what? Who is it? Moony, you know who Prongs is talking about?

Remus: …why don’t you talk about your resolution, Wormtail?

Peter: Oh, yeah, sure, I’d like to eat more vegetables, if I can

Sirius: That’s very healthy, Peter. Why don’t you tell me who it is, Prongs?

James: Pads, it’s no big deal

Sirius: You’re hiding something, aren’t you? You’re all pink

James: I’m not!

Sirius: Who is it? Is it some—oh Merlin, is it one of us? Is that why you can’t say it? You have a crush on someone here?

James: …

Sirius: Oh, no, is it—is it me?

James: What? No! No! Not you, I swear

Sirius: Okay, okay good, I’m slightly offended, but good. Who is it?

James: I’m not gonna tell you, Pads

Sirius: This is so unfair, it’s New Year, we gotta let go of all the secrets, Prongs. Who do you got a crush on?

Sirius: It isn’t me. So Moony?

James: …

Sirius: Wormtail?

James: …

Sirius: My Reggie?

James: Pads—

Sirius: Oh God, it’s Reg? You-you got a crush on my little brother? Regulus? My BROTHER? REGGIE?

Remus: James, run!

Baby Harry: *crying*

Regulus, picks Harry up: Oh, it’s okay, sweetheart, you’ll learn how to do that on the inside when you get older

James: …

James: Love, are you okay?

Regulus: Sirius and I are the best cowboys in Hogwarts

Sirius: Yee fucking haw!

James: ...

James: Are they really talking about real cowboys—

Remus: No

Sirius: Reggie, are you dating someone?

Regulus: What?

Sirius: You’ve been sneaking out every night, giggling while reading your letters. Are you?

Regulus: …okay, yeah, I’m dating someone

Sirius: Why haven’t I met him yet? I wanna see the guy who manages to get my brother! Surely I’m going to like him!

Regulus: Yeah, no doubt you will

Sirius: Really? Who is this guy? Do I know him?

Regulus: Some would say even better than I do

Sirius: That’s brilliant...but, you’re not dating Moony right?

Regulus: Oh, no, don’t worry about that

Sirius: Oh, okay

Regulus: I’m dating James

Sirius: I’m sorry, what?

Regulus: I’m dating James

Sirius: No, I heard you the first time. James…as in James Potter? James Potter, my best friend? That James?

Regulus: Yes, we’ve been going out for six months now

Sirius: WITHOUT TELLING ME?

Regulus: Sirius, it’s not that big of a deal—

Sirius: Did he deflower you?

Regulus: What? Sirius—

Sirius: Did my best friend in the whole wide world deflower my dear younger brother or did he not, Regulus?

Regulus: I...okay, yes, we did—wait! Where are you going? No—put your wand down! Sirius—stop!

Regulus: You know, James, I was thinking. You know how we always stay at your dorm? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my dorm

James: I don't know, I don't have my jammies

Regulus: Well…maybe you don't need them

Sirius: ...My baby brother, ladies and gentlemen

Regulus: Okay, introduce me to your friends

Sirius: This is Peter, and you know Remus, that’s James

James: Hey, how you doin—

Sirius: DON’T!

James: …

James: I just texted Regulus “Hey infant” instead of “baby” so he knows I’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Sirius: ...

Peter: …

Remus: ...

Remus: That’s not how it works, James

Sirius: Reg! What are you doing here?

Regulus: This is where James and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think of this outfit?

Sirius: Well, I don’t like it

Regulus: Really?

Sirius: It’s kinda slutty

Regulus: It’s yours

Sirius: ...Yeah well, I’m a slut

Regulus: Me too!

Regulus: Mary, come sign this birthday card for Sirius. James is gonna be here any minute

Mary: Oooh, James is going to the party too, huh?

Regulus: Well, he's my brother's best friend, he has to be there

Dorcas: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell Sirius about you two?

Regulus: Yeah. It's my brother’s birthday and I decided to give him a stroke

James: How do I look?

Regulus: Okay I guess

James: Only okay? Will you give me a better compliment?

Regulus: Look better then

James: ...

James: Hey, how are you?

Regulus: I don’t do small talk

James: I’m in love with you

Regulus: ...

Remus: Pads, I think there’s something you should maybe know

Sirius: Well, it’d better not be about the map, because I just told Wormtail about it and he loved it

Remus: No. No. It’s just I was...I was with Prongs and Regulus after you left and...I’m pretty sure I saw a little spark between them

Sirius: What?

Remus: Yeah I mean it’s probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you that there might be something there

Sirius: With Prongs and Reggie?

Remus: Yeah!

Sirius: With James and my brother?

Remus: Yeah

Sirius: With my precious little brother Reggie and my best friend James?

Remus: Yeah

Sirius: Oh there is no way

Remus: Okay then

Sirius: Oh my god! I can not believe that! I mean it’s fine if James goes out with people, but my brother. Prongs is my best friend, he’s like my brother too, so—isn’t that like incest or something?

Remus: ...no

Sirius: Oh my god, and they’re gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries him too? Oh this is just unbelievable, this is just shocking. And I can’t stop it! I can’t forbid Prongs from dating my brother! You know?

Sirius: And Reggie, he should be able to do whatever it is that he wants to do! And oh my god, I can’t believe James is marrying my little brother and deflowering him, this is terrible. Oh my god, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me

Remus: But great news about the map, huh?

James: Sirius, don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink?

Sirius: I’m just helping the kids

Regulus: How is drinking helping the kids?

Sirius: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink

Regulus: Look at this new dagger I got! Sirius, can I stab you with this?

Sirius: What? No!

Regulus: Ugh, you’re such a buzzkill

James: I love you

Sirius: Prongs stop that!

James: Do you think my last name would fit yours?

Sirius: Of course it would, Prongs, but I’m already Remus’s

James: I know

*five hours later*

Sirius: PRONGS DID YOU JUST FUCKING PROPOSE TO MY BROTHER?

Regulus, walks past: Hey, Sirius, James

James: Holy shit, he knows my name

Sirius: Prongs, don’t think too much-

James: He said hey to me

Sirius: No, he’s off limit-

James: He loves me!

Sirius: DON’T YOU DARE! THAT IS MY BROTHER!

Remus: Why is Padfoot crying?

Regulus: Yeah, James, why don’t you tell Remus the reason his boyfriend is crying?

James: ...I don’t wanna say

Remus: Prongs, what did you do this time?

James: Nothing!

Remus: Prongs-

James: Pads asked what I had for dinner and I said “Your brother”

Remus: You know you can’t tease him about your relationship, Prongs, he always cries!

James: I’m sorry! It slipped!

Sirius: Have you thought of what to wear on your wedding yet?

Regulus: I don’t know, just a suit

Sirius: Just a s—no, if we’re doing this, if my brother is marrying my best friend, then we’re going to do it right. Okay? First, how about a white tuxedo? It’s a good color on you!

Regulus: I thought you have to be pure to wear white

Sirius: Yeah I gues——wait, what did you just say?

Regulus: I didn’t say anything

Sirius: Did you—did you mean...you’re not pure anymore? Did-so that means...

Regulus: Sirius, calm down, okay? It’s no big deal, it’s ok—No! Sirius! Come back here! Where are you going?

Sirius: To kill your groom!

Regulus: ...

Regulus: Alright I guess