Designs on Life

Beauty, amazement and thinking about things a little too much, plus trying to understand the feelings these create in me.

Last update
2021-07-26 15:18:10

    A blind fold has become a fun and very different experience in our love making. Then my lover introduced me to toys, that opened my eyes to another sensation I never thought I would enjoy, having never being interested in them or that type of feeling. She has just asked if this would be fun to try. I shivered, looked her in the eyes and could see the excitement in her eyes. I think we both know it is just a mater of time now before she leads me further on my exploration of who we are together.


    For me she does this just after lifting me off my feet and then pushes us against the wall. The force of her kisses is even greater than her body pressing against me. Her hands gripping my thighs, almost too much but just adding fuel to the fire she has ignited. I push my hips forward as I feel the need deep inside me beginning to warm and light me up. While my breathing catches from the emotion and the crushing of her body against me. She does this to me many times a day, if I'm lucky, just making sure I know I am loved as much as I care and love her.


    When I went to Sunnyvale, I ran away from you. Because you were, like… this reminder. I was scared of this. Of us. Of me. And, like, tonight’s been the first time I’ve felt like myself in months. It’s been so long. I forgot what that… what that felt like. You make me feel… like me.

    FEAR STREET PART ONE: 1994 (2021)


    Or this now, needy and rough, please?


    Sometimes. It releases the pent up pressure. I lose control and let her just help me in the must primal way. She senses when I need a cuddle or hug. She knows when I need a more physical impact. Sometimes it will be a need for her to take me and love me, I just don't always notice what my mind is telling me. Other times as she describes it I am just being a pain and not myself. It is never about being who she wants me to be. We have discussed many aspect of our love, so we understand more about each other. When we don't understand what is happening with each other we don't shout and argue. Well she hardly ever raises her voice, I know I have really annoyed her when she does. If I shout then all self control has gone, I am very quiet by nature, those who read regularly should know this well. We will chat it through as soon as possible or when all is calm. She looks after me and I do the same for her. We have our domains, mine is the kitchen and general home. So yes sometimes she will do this and if you have never had this happen to you, it brings a relief and cleansing. My mind clears, perhaps it is the focus on the result. I think it is more whole body. We cuddle and she caresses and eases the sting and pain afterwards. It brings a calm that is quite simply bliss. I must add that when I am having an episode this is never her response, that is why I say we discuss and understand each other, or will take the time to try. When she can't reach me, care and love and nurture are her only methods. That can last for a few weeks, where she cares and helps me through. She uses the term 'play' for this. When she is caring for me and I am lost there in no play involved.


    Mark Rothko, Untitled, 1963

    © Kate Rothko Prizel & Christopher Rothko / Artists Rights Society  


    This picture represents my down side, it makes a deep and gut wrenching impact on me. If you need to understand the dark place inside a persons head who may lock you out, or that locks them in, this may help.

    I have been lucky with my love, even when she was away I just about managed to avoid the pit of despondency. It was a close thing for a week or two.

    My help is knowing I am loved, cared for and have a kind love to lean on and be carried by when I need her. Listen, but don't judge. Be there to help when required. Be patient and make sure any care that is required is available and non-judgmental. Listen again in good times. The clues and the thoughts may need to be discussed. Again don't judge, it may seem small or easy to you, but it is complex and multifaceted to them. I don't claim to be an expert. I can just say what has helped me. The final thing may be a cliche, but it worked for me. Taking a walk and enjoying the natural world worked wonders for me. My garden is my sanctuary, help me with it and then we share a most wonderful part of me that helps me survive.


    What happens next? Well she closes her eyes, sighs with relief to be home and freed from the restrictions of her bra. Then a shoulder wriggle that sets them moving and swinging as my tongue reaches up for them while she holds me down. It is all about control for her and she will only let me lick, kiss and suckle when she wants me to. She wants to hear me whine and complain first. 'Have you been a good girl?' She asks. 'Yes, of course I have.' I reply with an edge of frustration. 'Are you sure? Do you really deserve a treat? She asks. 'Yes.' I quickly state. 'Yes please.' I add quickly in case I get told off for not asking nicely. This is how it starts and I have no idea if this will be the start to fun and play, or if I have committed an unknown error or failure and the pleasure that is just starting to warm and flutter inside me will be changed to a clenching apprehension. Either way she is home and she is with me. I can't ask for more. Also I think I can see in her eyes a playfulness so I think things will turn out well, one way or another.


    I have always enjoyed dressing up. Especially for my love. During the past 16 months when my love has been with me we have enjoyed it even more. Dressing up for each other, even though we couldn't go out helped us focus on each other and what we wanted, needed and yes desired. The imagination was set free. Go for a dance, an elegant meal or a party. Putting on the music, chatting and planning. Getting prepared, even ordering items on line so we could surprise each other in what we were wearing or what we had to set the scene.

    Now we are together again we have decided that we will continue to do this. The fun and excitement it gave us even for a simple evening focussed on what we have together and what we both love and enjoy. It was interesting to see so much in common as well as the differences we already knew about. She is still at the heart and soul of the party while I am at the edges watching and observing. She still loves to pull me in for the special dances and songs so I know she is still thinking of me. Not that I am ready to go out and party yet.

    We do have a weekend with her cousins from up North planned for next month. Now that will be a test for how we have all been impacted and changed. We have kept in touch throughout this all, but video call aren't great.

    So to wrap myself for her is a joy. Playing a character for her is fun. I'm not good at it but she loves my effort, even though the laughter and slipping out of character make it even more fun. Although best of all is when she unwraps me and we love again to celebrate life, love and being together.


    I often got a spanking in my uniform after school. We had navy blue knickers at our school although it wasn’t unknown to wear non regulation pants as there wasn’t really any check.


    Lucky you. At my school we had a regular uniform inspection that even included checking that all our clothes and sports kit had our names on them.

    Holding out each item in turn as the teacher walked the rows, noting down if you had the correct items and your name in them.


    Oh when we started to have sleepovers with just the two of us. Especially when our parents were going away on holiday, so they thought we would be best to stay and keep each other company for the week or more, and our parent's both thought the other was a good influence on the other. So we got to spend more time together as we got older and our parents went away without us. No more lovesick holidays away from each other, as we could be left at home together. I honestly don't think my parents knew then.

    The joy of not having to tiptoe about, worrying about being caught. Being able to have a bath together and not having to keep an ear out for anyone coming home.

    Cooking and baking for her and 'playing' house was a joy for me.

    Making up a big bed in her room just like this and cuddling together and sleeping in her arms, with no worry of being discovered.

    The joy of loving and being ourselves during these days, just confirmed that our love is true and deep. My main memory is of the cuddles, time and joy together. She has a slightly different memory, but she has always been the more physical one of us.