The Signs on New Years
Aries: Throws a party and gets more drunk than anyone else there
Taurus: Snacking and having a netflix binge session
Gemini: Goes to Aries’ party and tries to get everyone else drunk
Cancer: Gets drunk at the party and is crying in the corner about everything that went wrong in 2018
Leo: Bragging about their new years resolutions
Virgo: Is the mother hen who takes care of all their drunk friends
Libra: Is the one who is forced to go out but would much rather be home
Scorpio: Lowkey trying to hookup with someone before midnight
Sagittarius: Is passed out on the floor before midnight
Capricorn: Trying to mix drinks and is really just making a huge mess
Aquarius: Dancing on the table to every song that plays
Pisces: Rambling on about everything they plan to do this year while drawing on Sagittarius with a sharpie
the signs as three feelings
aries: the minute you finish something you've been working on for ages with confidence that it is perfect. when the person you couldn't admit you wanted to call finally calls. running after someone, exhilerated.
taurus: falling asleep early. the lull of a city at night. the sun hitting your shoulders after being in a freezing building.
gemini: booking plane tickets. buying something you've wanted without looking at the price tag. driving all night with someone, talking so much that your throat is sore.
cancer: breakfast at 2am. standing in the ocean on a chilly day. throwing a punch that you've imagined for years.
leo: the second your favorite band steps onto the stage. all of your friends laughing at once, none of you able to contain yourselves for several minutes. getting complimented on your biggest insecurity.
virgo: the line in that book that makes you understand life better. eye contact with a newborn baby. holding your best friend while you both sob.
libra: taking in a view that you will never be able to remember. falling asleep next to someone, breathing on each other's faces. a cry that consumes your entire body, draining you from all of the bad things that happened.
scorpio: driving down a highway in summer, windows down. a lover pressing a kiss to the back of your neck. a cup of tea at the end of a busy day.
sagittarius: staring at the sky and forgetting where you are. the stomach-lurch after you grab someone's hand for the first time. knowing that you're kissing someone for the last time.
capricorn: reminiscing with your family. chasing your best friend through a department store. standing at the top of a mountain with no noise but your own breathing.
aquarius: the first time you hear the song that feels like where you belong. waving goodbye to the house you grew up in. dying your hair in the sink--a split decision you made with your best friend.
pisces: someone telling you "it's going to be okay", and actually believing them. meeting someone with the exact same sense of humour as you. the breathless smile on their face after you've surprised someone with a gift.
My Experience With Your Sign (Cancer Edition Bitch)
Aries: easy to talk but when you get angry, it's like you're trying so hard to keep your calm, but fucking fail every damn time. Let yourself explode for once
Taurus: one does not need a that many blankets. You guys are really fucking cool and are fucking teddy bears. Stubborn as fuck, but I love you
Gemini: pick a fucking side. You either like me or hate me. You guys are amazing talkers and so easy to approach and talk. You're the expert on avoiding awkwardness at all costs
Cancer: you're the best fucking sign. Jk, next time someone mentions your moodiness, throat punch them. Don't give them context, just go for it.
Leo: at first, you guys are the coolest people ever, until you open your fucking mouth. No one is fucking jealous of you. You aren't hot shit. Passionate as hell, but you get scary as fuck chill dammit
Virgo: organized as fuck. you are fucking intimidating and you know it. You get shit done, but you need to shut the fuck up sometimes. im sorry but please try it
Libra: funny. that's just what you are. flirty as fuck. and funny. Just funny
Scorpio: your humor is the most dark thing ever and it's awesome okay. one of my favorite signs. I need to meet more of you. Strong people who need more appreciation
Sagittarius: really nice people. But what the fuck? don't fucking make plans if you're not going to go through with it. seriously you're blunt as fuck, but stick to your plans
Capricorn: awesome fuckers. a little bit arrogant but not as bad as Leos. Great people to talk to. Determined as hell too. Get over your fucking unemotional problems. I know it's hard to express them, but sometimes it feels like I'm talking a spoon
Aquarius: out of all you guys are so fucking interesting. you little meme loving fucks are adorable and deserve little puppies delivered to you.
Pisces: I know people are always like they're so hopeless romantics and always day dreaming, but no. in three fucking words. Adorable little shits
the signs and their contradictions
aries: super out-there adventurer but super scared inside
taurus: super romantics and cute inside but such bad flirters
gemini: insanely brilliant but such freakin' slow readers
cancer: literally so nice externally but judgmental inside
leo: diabolically arrogant yet in need of constant validation
virgo: incredibly observant of others but don't know when they need help themselves
libra: emotionally stunted but talented, moving artists
scorpio: cute as hell, but that's where they come from
sagittarius: everyone adores them, but they struggle with adoring themselves
capricorn: ride a fine line between being amazing leaders and being crazy bossy/neurotic (love u tho)
aquarius: knowledgeable, innovative thinkers who don't like to try hard in school
pisces: seem gentle and nice but can go on a mind-blowingly thought out and informative rant about their passions before u can say "wait wat"
The Signs Expectation vs. Reality
Aries: angry all the time // a total badass
Taurus: total foodie // loyal friend who can empathize
Gemini: won't shut up // WON'T SHUT UP
Cancer: super sensitive // really nerdy and makes bad puns
Leo: big ego // really insecure
Virgo: neat freak // kind person with your best interests at heart
Libra: stupid and preppy // just wants everyone to get along
Scorpio: satanic and evil // super sensitive and intelligent
Sagittarius: knows the meaning of life // rebel child 8)
Capricorn: extremely motivated // loves sweatpants just as much as the next person
Aquarius: distant and nerdy // hilarious and also pretty evil
Pisces: super positive and happy // understanding
Hello and welcome to the 77th annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel here in Los Angeles. I’m Ricky Gervais. Thank you.
You’ll be pleased to know this is the last time I’m hosting these awards, so I don’t care anymore. I’m joking: I never did. NBC clearly don’t care either – fifth time. I mean, Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars because of some offensive tweets. Hello [pointing at himself].
Lucky for me, the Hollywood foreign press can barely speak English and they have no idea what Twitter is. I got offered this gig by fax. So let’s go out with a bang. Let’s have a laugh at your expense, shall we? Remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no sequel, so remember that. But you all look lovely, all dolled up. You came in your limos. I came here in a limo tonight and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman. It’s her daughter I feel sorry for – that must be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to her. And her dad was in Wild Hogs.
So lots of big celebrities here tonight. I mean legends, icons. Look at this table alone. Al Pacino. Robert De Niro. Baby Yoda. Oh no, that’s Joe Pesci, sorry. I love you man, don’t have me whacked.
But tonight isn’t just about the people in front of the camera. In this room are some of the most important TV and film executives in the world. People from every background. But they all have one thing in common. They’re all terrified of Ronan Farrow. He’s coming for you. Look, talking of all you perverts. It was a big year for paedophile movies: Surviving R Kelly, Leaving Neverland… The Two Popes.
Many talented people of colour were snubbed in major categories. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about that. The Hollywood foreign press are all very, very racist. So fifth time. We were going to do an in memoriam this year, but when I saw the list of people that died, it wasn’t diverse enough. It was mostly white people and I thought, nah, not on my watch.
Maybe next year, let’s see what happens. No one cares about movies anymore. No one goes to the cinema. No one really watches network TV. Everyone’s watching Netflix. This show should just be me coming out going ‘well done Netflix, you win everything. Goodnight.’ But no, no, we’ve got to drag it out for three hours. You could binge watch the entire first season of After Life instead of watching this show. That’s a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer. And it’s still more fun than this. Okay, spoiler alert, season two is on the way. So in the end, he obviously didn’t kill himself – just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up. I know he’s your friend, but I don’t care. You had to make your own way here on your own plane didn’t you?
But seriously, most films are awful, lazy remakes and sequels. I’ve heard a rumour that there might be a sequel to Sophie’s Choice. I mean, that would just be Meryl Streep going, ‘Well it’s got to be this one then.’
All the best actors have jumped to Netflix and HBO, and the actors who just do Hollywood movies now do fantasy adventure nonsense. They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes. Their job isn’t acting anymore, it’s going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids. Have we got an award for most ripped junkie? No, no point.
Martin Scorsese, the greatest living director, made the news for his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise. He said they’re not real cinema and they remind him of theme parks. I agree, although I don’t know what he’s doing hanging around theme parks. He’s not big enough to go on the rides. He’s tiny. The Irishman was amazing. It was amazing. Long, but amazing. It wasn’t the only epic movie. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere and by the end, his date was too old for him. Even Prince Andrew’s like, ‘Come on Leo mate, you know, you’re nearly 50 son.’
The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. He was also in the movie Cats, but no one saw that. And the reviews were shocking. I saw one that said this is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs. But Dame Judi Dench defended the film, saying it was the role she was born to play because she – I can’t do this next joke. Because she loves nothing better than plonking herself down on the carpet, lifting her leg and licking her arse hole. She’s old school. It’s the last time, who cares.
Apple roared into the TV game with The Morning Show, a superb drama. A superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing, made by a company that runs sweatshops in China. So, well, you say you’re woke, but the companies you work for. I mean, unbelievable: Apple, Amazon, Disney. If Isis started a streaming service, you’d call your agent, wouldn’t you? So if you do win an award tonight, please don’t use it as a platform to make a political speech. You’re in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg. So if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent and your God and fuck off.
That has to be one of the greatest speeches made in the current century, maybe even this millennium! It will definitely go down in hollyweird history…that’s for sure! Well spoke Mr. Gervais! Well spoke, indeed! You’ve most assuredly made ever h-wood shit list!!!😏👍