Last update
2022-05-10 13:31:24

    Giving Aftercare to Doms

    I’ve seen a lot of writing on aftercare for subs, but never seen anything about Dom drop or the kind of aftercare that D-types need. Consequently, many people assume that aftercare is only necessary for subs, and many people don’t know what kind of aftercare to ask for or provide.

    It’s natural to feel guilty when you’re inflicting pain or cruelty to someone you care about. And like with everybody, a lack of adequate aftercare can be discouraging or even dangerous. Here’s some aftercare talking points I tend to like hearing from my subs that you can use as jumping off points:

  • Reassure your Dom that everything they said and did during the scene was wanted and consensual. Go over and discuss anything that ended up being less than pleasurable or any sore spots that they hit if not.
  • If the scene went smoothly, reassure them that you are capable of saying no and/or using your safe word. Reassure them that despite roleplaying a loss of control, you know that you still were able to consent during your scene.
  • Reassure your Dom that you aren’t actually scared of them; and reassure them that you don’t feel like you’re being taken advantage of, nor do you think that they will.
  • Reassure your Dom that you trust them, you know that they are a responsible dominant, and that you don’t feel afraid that they will abuse their power over you.
  • Reassure your Dom that they are a good person, and that they are not evil or bad for exercising restrained and consensual cruelty during a scene.
  • Reassure your Dom that they don’t need to feel guilty for enjoying themselves when they are dominant with you, and that you enjoy your scenes with them as much as they do.
  • And some other things to keep in mind regarding aftercare as a whole....

  • Make sure you end the conversation/evening properly. Even if the Dom doesn’t experience Dom drop immediately, it’s very easy for Doms to feel used or like pleasure machines if they feel like they’ve been left hanging.
  • ^^ Especially if you’re sexting or doing BDSM long distance! Do not stop responding without giving closure and reassuring your Dom that you’re okay! If you disappear without saying anything, it’s very possible that your Dom will get anxious and worry that they’ve upset or hurt you.
  • Check in later. Aftercare doesn’t always have to take place immediately after a scene, especially if they felt like they didn’t need much aftercare afterwards or you’ve had an informal scene and decided to skip it. Dom drop can still settle in a while after a scene has ended, so don’t ever assume you’re automatically on the same page and that care won’t be needed.
  • Make sure to always offer regardless. Nobody should ever have to ask for aftercare! Don’t assume that your Dom is okay and needs nothing just because they’re in control during your scenes.
  • And finally, Doms: don’t be afraid to ask for reassurance on the specific points you worry about! Subs can’t read your mind, and they can’t always know if the aftercare they’re giving is enough unless you tell them. You will not lose your submissive’s respect by asking for aftercare as long if they are committed to engaging in conscientious kink.

    Stay safe, take care of each other, and practice kink responsibly! ♡


    Another quick addition: accept aftercare and check ins when it’s offered to you. You may be tempted to brush off your Dom and explain that you don’t need them to give you so much reassurance or to check in so frequently, and you might even feel like your Dom doesn’t trust you to speak up to set boundaries if they do it too often. Either way, don’t shut these check-ins down. Active consent goes both way and isn’t just for the sub’s reassurance and communication, it’s also a big part of preventing dom drop in the middle of a scene by making sure that your Dom doesn’t feel like they’re taking things too far.

    Most rewarding feeling in the world is dominating someone who places an incredible amount of stock in their intelligence and ability to be eloquent, and then getting to be trusted with their vulnerability as you watch them slowly crumple into a drooling whiny puppy as their brain just melts for you as the scene goes. Like good girl, it feels good not to think so much huh?