Last update
2023-10-27 06:50:25

    Sometimes I think about the only mutual on tumblr I have ever met in real life and I get reminded of the time we spent together. Not sure they ever knew I was the most lost I had ever been when we were “going out” or whatever, but that was such a weird time. Then I think about all the times I had seen them after I had started a relationship with another person and how cold I must have acted towards them because I didn’t feel comfortable with my past catching up to my present and how to set boundaries to distinguish the 2. Truth is that they’re one of the coolest people I know and I’m glad to have them in my past, wish they were in my present more, and look forward to them being in my future. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t die. Dying would make the world a worse place and you would leave a hole in a lot people’s hearts

    LIFE UPDATE: i got lied to. i got lied to real bad and now i’m returning to my natural path again.

    a good friend came onto my band’s team to be a sound engineer and manager, and for a while we had some fun. we were getting drip fed lies that we’re really fun every couple of weeks. he would give us musical equipment like a band sugar daddy, and we would always say our thank you’s. the last promise we were given was supposed to change our life forever. A 3 YEAR TOUR WITH RADIOHEAD. with our minds blown we went along with everything he said so that we were able to make this work. then the bottom fell out. “delays in funding” caused the whole tour to go to a standstill and there was nothing we could do about it.

    i knew something was wrong but i wanted so desperately for things not be based on a lie. so i kept convincing myself Thom Yorke was a dick and didn’t care about us. then the bottom fell out once again, opening up the hole that went much more shallow than i knew possible.

    i read an article that revealed that the people in RADIOHEAD had not been together and have no plans of being together for a long time

    hearing this news was like taking off a straight jacket and remembering how to use your arms again. now im returning to move forward without being hindered by plans greater than myself. if those plans do exist, they aren’t going to be made by any human, but will be the plans written on the tapestry of the universe where no one can peak at them.


    photo by Julien Annand

    I’m getting really preoccupied with having sturdy ground to stand on lately. For a good few months I’ve been offered lots of new options on how I can push forward my life and take it in a new direction. Stay in school, quit school, move house, go on tour, leave my friends to travel, stay put and rot in a hole (that one is more about choosing to stay put and continue to be miserable), but with all these options out there I still feel rather trapped. My expectations in life haven’t gotten me very far as all I have been met with is those expectations not being met. Sometimes for better or sometimes for worse, but either way you cut it what happens inside my head and what actually happens in my life rarely align. I guess this stream of consciousness is just to help me through the realization that sturdy ground to stand on is an illusion we make for ourselves to feel better about the unpredictability of life. Not something I think I’ve fully grasped yet   


    Sometimes I think I'm actually changing culture. Sometimes I think I'm too vain. Sometimes I wonder why I care so much about what people think of me. Sometimes I wonder if the world really needs to hear what I have to say. Sometimes i feel so small and my voice doesn't travel past the tip of my tongue. Sometimes I think what I believe should change in the world is not shared by anybody else. Sometimes I think I have a duty to change culture if I know I'm able to make the world a better place. Sometimes I think I'm onto something pretty good. Sometimes I think I'm actually changing culture.

    Sometimes I sit and think. Sometimes I just sit.


    MAR 2020 /// archive ///

    Poem is a little weak. does not have alot to say or that much of an emotional side. I'll give past Alex a 4/10. But Connory B. created this gorgeous photograph of Absolutely You. Man do I ever love that human :)

    First night playing with Sham Family