Last update
2023-02-06 07:56:33

    Cooking With Tumblr: "Why Are We Here? Just to Suffer?" Edition

    Tumblr, I come to you as a woman on the verge of fulfilling her destiny. Thanks to a viral poll by @relientk, the newest meme on Tumblr is vanilla extract, specifically the act of using too much of it. Pure vanilla extract is, of course, expensive and also strong in small amounts. Who among us has that much vanilla extract on hand and is foolish enough to attempt this?


    For personal reasons, I have a lot of vanilla extract in my apartment. It was here before the meme, and it will be here after. I had all the ingredients for the horrible poll cake except for milk, so I went out and bought some milk. It is three in the morning and very cold outside. Why am I doing this now instead of waiting for the poll to finish? Two reasons: the first being how fickle the internet in burning through memes, and the second being that five days gives my better judgement enough time to convince me not to do this.

    Will God stop my sinful hands before the cake makes it into the oven? Let's find out!


    Mise en Place

    Here are all the ingredients in their Tumblr-approved quantities. No, your eyes are not deceiving you! That is indeed a teacup of vanilla extract. I laid everything out in twee little teacups to try and lessen the blow of this culinary affront to man about to occur in my kitchen. The baking powder is in a souvenir shot glass because I ran out of twee little teacups.

    The exact measurements come courtesy of @princessmuk, who carefully adjusted a white cake recipe (LINKED HERE!) to the proportions of the poll. The percentages at the time she wrote her addition (left) are only negligibly different from the percentages now (right), so there's no need to adjust.

    I've cut the her quantities in half because even I have limits, but the cooking time, temperature and everything else will match the recipe she based her post on.



    Tumblr, I'll be frank with you. This does not look, feel or smell like cake batter. For those who didn't read princessmuk's post, I'd like to inform you that the source recipe is called "Simple White Cake". This is not white, and nothing about this can be called "simple".

    That said, I've put it in a buttered and floured cake pan and am baking it for at least 40 minutes in a 350 degree oven. I don't know off the top of my head how the poll will affect the cook time because I'm very tired, but I will be checking the internal temperature just in case. Now, all there is to do is wait!


    The Moment of Truth

    My entire apartment smells like vanilla. It's not unpleasant, but it is definitely apparent. After fifty minutes, I opened the oven and found what appeared to be a firm enough cake. After cooling it in the refrigerator, I removed it from the pan and laid it on a plate.

    Physically? It doesn't seem that bad. There's a distinctly crispy-looking crust around the rim. While it's certainly denser than most cakes, it springs back when pressed and feels fully cooked. My kitchen thermometer read an internal temperature of just over 200 degrees Fahrenheit or 93 degrees Celsius. Many had predicted it would become an amorphous, soupy sludge due to having nearly twice as much liquid as necessary, but the batter was still thick enough to form a cohesive solid mass.

    But how does it taste? Without further ado:

    Tumblr won't let me insert the video directly, because of course it won't. I should also preface this by saying that this is the first and only instance of my face and voice on the internet, so if you misgender me I will force-feed you the rest of the cake.

    With that out of the way: it's honestly not that bad??? Is it good? No. Of course it isn't. It's a cake with several dozen times' more vanilla extract than required. But is it inedible? I honestly can't say that it is. I should point out for those uninformed that vanilla extract is a tincture, meaning that the active ingredient is dissolved into alcohol. In this case, 35% alcohol, the low average alcohol content of gin and dark rum. Minors have actually gotten drunk by drinking vanilla extract. That overwhelming bitterness you associate with the ingredient? Part of that is the vanilla itself, but most of it is the alcohol that typically evaporates away in the oven. Because of that, the cake is bitter but not overpowering.

    The texture alone is actually quite pleasant. Its texture is best compared to that of banana bread, with a rich, heavy moistness and a slight chew along the rim. Its thin shape and density makes it ideal to be eaten by hand. I personally enjoy bitterness to the point where I'd seriously consider this palatable if the sugar content was at least doubled. It wouldn't be better than a regular piece of cake, but it would be good.

    To those that feel disappointed, I express my sincerest apologies. Even I was legitimately hoping for some sort of Cake From the Black Lagoon that would explode in the oven and taste like paint thinner. To remedy any disillusionment, I will end this culinary journey in hubris with a poll. Thank you.


    women are so nice 🥺 ive been taking steps to get over my anxiety disorders so ive been doing yknow therapy and exposure n stuff. and now im kinda a regular in a some places, and theres women who work in those places who recognize me now and always greet me and smile n stuff, and we have casual chats

    it puts into perspective the isolation i felt from women in the past growing up. because i never felt like i related to any of them because i never wanted to do what they did, i didnt like what they liked, they socialized in a way i didnt understand or want to do. im realizing now that it wasn’t because i wasnt anything like them, but that girlhood is a maze of people trying to conform in the ways youre expected to while also trying to figure out your individuality. any sort of connection is lost behind of maze of gender roles. but here they are now, as were both adults, and theyre open to you as another woman. suddenly the isolation doesnt exist, because what i was trying to relate to werent the girls my age. i was trying to relate the rules of femininity that i never wanted, that it seemed like everyone else loved (they didnt). but now with a different mindset, were not so different afterall. theres more to a woman to relate to than just the roles shes forced to perform. i really wish i could tell my kid-self that


    “any sort of connection is lost behind [a] maze of gender roles” hit me pretty hard.

    This is why, in a world where women are generally so much nicer than men, everyone believes that women hate each other and a lot of women feel excluded from female society. It’s not that women aren’t friendly- it’s that gender roles separate us, especially when we’re young.

    Patriarchy makes female friendships fragile. Patriarchy tells you that your husband/male partner always comes first. And your female friends fall by the wayside. Patriarchy tells you that good women do x, y, and z. And if you do x and z, but your friend only does y, then you have essentially disagreed on what a good woman is. What you, as people, should be.

    No wonder women often have a hard time relating to other women.


    the ruling class will do whatever it can to snuff out what little power you have, and to render you inescapably and utterly enslaved


    Case is Glacier Northwest v the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, more here


    I feel like some people need reminded that strikes and other nonviolent organized labor actions are the alternative we worked out a long time ago to burning down exploitative bosses' houses, optionally with the exploitative boss still inside

    not exploiting workers at all ever would be a better alternative, of course, but oddly bosses seem to approve of that even less


    To a homophobe, even the most chaste kiss on the cheek between gay people is exactly as disgusting and degenerate as a hardcore BDSM orgy hosted in the town square, so you may as well ally with the BDSM orgy enthusiasts to throw bricks at the cops who are going to try and arrest all of you together anyway.


    I once held hands with my husband at an event where my wife was also present, and a concerned parent lectured me about how she didn't want us to "influence" her son. Our icky gay polyam hand holding was such a threat to this woman that she made a point to corner me away from my partners and get me on my own to lecture me about being "indecent." If she had been inclined toward violence, I would have been fucked.

    Hand holding. That's all it fucking took.

    So catch me at Pride in a leather harness and holding a bat, because if hand holding is all it takes, we owe it to each other to stand together.

    We're here. We're queer. Get fucking used to it.


    The sheer number of LGBT people who have called me a "degenerate" and a "pedophile" and an "abuse apologist" and a "homophobe" and a "woman-beater" over this post, in the less than 24 hours since I have posted it, is proof that it needs to be said.

    Call me a degenerate if you want. I don't care. It has always been the degenerates protecting each other when the cops raid our bars and inspect our clothing and haul us away for being cross-dressing, family-destroying, society-polluting, tranny dyke faggot freaks.

    I know who I'd rather have on my side, and it's not the self-loathing pieces of shit who would rather destroy their own people than dismantle systems of oppression.

    You will never be wholesome and pure enough for the bigots, no matter how much you distance yourself from the kinksters. Once they've killed all us degenerates, they're coming for you next. And we won't be here to fight for you anymore.


    just so everyone is aware - one of the best ways for bird flu to spread is by encouraging birds to congregate. while the bird flu epidemic from 2022 continues strong into 2023, you should almost always stop feeding birds. this illness can spread between types of birds - you encouraging birds to feed in your backyard could cause the death of the person down the road’s backyard chickens. the disease RARELY spreads to other animals and humans, but it is zoonotic and CAN infect both pets and people, so be cautious and discourage spread of the disease. if you find a deceased bird do not handle it without protective wear and do not let pets interact with dead wildlife. im not going to launch into an outdoor cat spiel but if you have a cat that catches birds regularly, consider stopping them from doing so while this is going on for their & your safety.


    Information about feeding birds from All About Birds (which is associated with the Cornell Ornithology Lab, so I trust them as a source):


    The Outbursts of Everett True was a comic strip that ran in papers from 1905 to 1927, wherein the aforementioned Everett True regularly beat the everliving shit out of rude people as a warning to anyone else who might consider being rude. Men have not only been taking up too much room on public transport for about as long as public transport has existed, but the people around them have been irritated about it for at least a hundred years. The next time someone tries to claim that manspreading is a false phenomenon, please direct them to this strip so that Everett True can correct their misconceptions with an umbrella upside the head.


    I have never before heard of Everett True, but if he “regularly beat the everliving shit out of rude people as a warning to anyone else who might consider being rude,” I have a strong spiritual connection with him.


    I fucking love him


    i can imagine this guy’s voice very clearly in my head but i couldn’t put a name to it 


    He also jabs racists in the eye!


    I love the justice grandpa of fists


    I’m very lucky to own a book that’s a collection of most of these comics (sadly not all of them) and would highly recommend hunting these down if you can. Sorry for the lack of a scanner but phone photos will just have to do.

    He was a enjoyable cuss who didn’t care for war mongering.

    Especially profitable war mongering and excuses for it!

    He certainly didn’t like selfish husbands and fathers!

    Politicians who turned on their words once they got theirs weren’t safe.

    He said fuck the police!

    He absolutely didn’t like people ruining little things for kids.

    He stood up for foreigners. Especially those doing their best to communicate with limited second language knowledge.

    He was not having any tomfoolery when it came to gun safety and laws. Especially with youth involved.

    You had better not abuse a animal with him nearby. He’d right that wrong real quick!

    And best of all him and his wife were both prickly cusses together. Relationship goals.


    I have a new role model


    “justice grandpa of fists”


    It’s nice to see a fat dude in a political cartoon that’s NOT being used as shorthand for greed and corruption.


    Hes like the personification of motherfucker unlimited


    Reblogging this newer version of this thread with so many more strips I haven’t seen…why did this character ever disappear. Where did you go, Everett.


    we need him more than ever…


    sorry to make a long post longer but I feel like we could all really use some Everett True Beating Up Anti-Maskers content: 


    He’s a hero, our Everett.


    Just found out there were live action Everett True shorts (silent films, though, so the outbursts were largely body language)


    Reblogging to always have it to hand. :)