Last update
2023-01-19 05:46:31

    No one owes you their feelings. No one owes you their feelings. No one owes you their feelings. Ever. The mantra replays over new information that has shaken and taken me by surprise. Feels like my intuition has finally failed me. Perhaps I was simply thinking too deeply into superficial interactions? Or confused by third-party conversations? Or made the vulnerable mistake of revisiting old feelings to overwrite Spring’s heartbreak, only to be crushed once more? Regardless, you can’t grieve over someone who was never yours.

    OK so this is super corny but super fun, it’s obviously an awesome artist list for me because duh it’s based on my main music preferences. I would only have Beyoncé on to sing 2 songs and she’s a last minute replacement for Rihanna or Alicia Keys. The location would be at the place where I first fell in love with space: Griffith Park. $150 a ticket? I don’t know how pricing works, but admission will guarantee a snack and hydration pack, an led bracelet, a mug, and a box of tissues for Adele’s set. 

    What happened to creating titles on here? It’s so confusing. But anyway, I’m super clumsy with words right now. Fortunately my memory of this night is as vivid as it was in 2013. Did it help that we weren’t allowed to photograph / film anything? Probably, but now it’s the “pictures or it didn’t happen” era that makes me super itchy to prove that this experience was 100% real. Biggest question is: for who? And who cares?

    2013 was a huge volunteer year for me: I dipped my toes in everything from IndieFest to the Science Center, and the San Diego Beer Festival. The highlight of this run was the San Diego Film Festival, where I secured a spot to work for Judd Apatow’s Visionary Filmmaker tribute event at the SD Museum of Contemporary Art — La Jolla. I tend to romanticize my life, so I took in everything with cinematic wonderment: the minimalist art museum’s alluring transformation into a grand golden gala, the luxurious palette of decadent morsels (gold flecked macarons!) and mix and mingling with humans whose movies I quote on the daily. Along with Adam McKay, Judd Apatow was responsible for 80% of my sense of humor, and meeting him felt surreal and surprisingly normal all at once. You’d think I’d be starstruck with famous humans but nope, I guess it helped how regular he was as well (stars, they’re just like us!!). Downside was that Will Ferrell made a video appearance as Ron Burgundy, but at least he showed up in some shape or form (sloppy brain / sloppy words). Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd didn’t show up either, just David Koechner (Champ Kind), who was friendly and super tall.

    There was some talk that Zac Efron would show up, but he didn’t. Instead, I found myself talking to another handsome actor, who turned out to be his co-star in That Awkward Moment: Michael B. Jordan. During Judd’s award presentation, he sat in the back of the theater, no attention needed. Given the trajectory of this fine man’s career in the past decade, only a handful of people knew who I was talking about when I brought up meeting him. I didn’t watch Friday Night Lights or The Wire. Fruitvale Station had just come out. I guess being unfamiliar with his filmography eased our conversational flow because he was just super regular (and same age, yay!). He said he was from Jersey and laughed that it’s nothing like the Jersey Shore (I knew this but felt was worth bringing up). I apologized to him for not seeing any of his work and told him to stay humble and that he’s gonna reach Denzel Washington’s level one day. Then he gave me ( a total stranger ) a big hug! Which he totally didn’t have to do, I try to avoid eye contact with my neighbors, so I can confidently say my energy is cute because he didn’t hug anyone else like that hah. That simple snippet of experience still replays so clearly for me, even if there’s no photographic evidence. But there’s the lifelong highlight : 2020’s Sexiest Man Alive hugged me for just trying to be kind and simply existing. And yes, it’s still a handy self-esteem boost.

    You matter.

    If no one told you this today, I’m telling you this— you matter.

    Your feelings matter. They’re not too much or too strong or too annoying. They’re not unrealistic or crazy or naive. They’re you. They’re your depths and your emotions and they matter.

    Your heart matters. What you’re passionate about matters. The things that move you matter regardless of how society sees them, how your parents see them, and how your friends see them. Your passion is your calling and your calling matters no matter what it’s calling you to do.

    Your dreams matter. They’re not impossible, they’re not juvenile, they’re not unambitious and they’re not for everyone. Your vision matters.

    Your problems matter. The obstacles you face along the way are building your strength. The bumps you inadvertently take are making you a better driver, and all those tears you cried are washing you clean. Your tears matter and even your darkness matters.

    Your happiness matters. The details that you find joy in matter. The simple things that make you smile matter. The moments that take your breath away matter. You should seek them, you should find them and you should do more of them. Your smile matters.

    Your existence matters. It’s not accidental, you’re here because you have a story to tell and you’re here because you will have an impact. You matter. You always have and you always will. Maybe you forgot that because you’re surrounded by people who make you feel like you don’t, but you are enough and you are important and as long as you indubitably know that; nothing else matters.