Stuff and Nonsense

I'm on ao3 as KirkyPet.

Smuggling music and absurdity into MMFR fic since 2016. Graduated to American Gods obsessive in 2020! LOW STAKES AUs! Crossovers! Reading All The Fic!

Here be also Star Trek TNG, bookstuff and miscellaneous silly shit.

Last update
2021-05-07 14:19:11

    *releases pack of dads into home depot* go……be free


    invasive species encroach on lesbian territory


    This is a common misconception because they’re such similar environments, but you should be aware that dads are native to Home Depot, while lesbians are actually native to Lowe’s. At this point, however, both dads and lesbians have made themselves at home in both Home Depot and Lowe’s to the point that trying to separate them back into their original ranges would probably do more harm than good to the delicate ecosystem of large chain hardware stores.


    A properly raised and socialized Dad will be perfectly comfortable cohabiting with Lesbians. Its not really “encroaching on another’s territory”. You wouldn’t say that about foxes in a forest that also homes bobcats, would you? No. It’s just two different species that have both evolved to live in similar/the same environment. As long as they recognize each other as equals, Dads and Lesbians are more than capable of cohabitation.

    Now, if you were to release a pack of Lumberjacks into a Lowes or Home Depot, that’s where chaos will reign. Being adapted to a far harsher and more demanding environment, the Lumberjacks would simply push Dads and Lesbians both out and also consume far more than a sustainable amount of resources. It would be like releasing bears at a country club.


    As a former timber-harvester… I feel this is potentially accurate in theory. But highly improbable in actuality.

    Lumberjacks, like most megafauna species generally require more space than the average hardware store, even a big box store could provide. The misconception is that Lumberjacks are a social species because of how they often work and live together.

    This is a matter of necessity, not preference, and a survival technique for thriving under the LogBoss.

    A “pack” of Lumberjacks, if not under the environmental pressure of a LogBoss will naturally disperse until they each have a wide territory.

    Lumberjacks rarely fight for territory.

    One on one, a Lumberjack could drive out a Dad or Lesbian, however the latter tend to travel in social packs.

    Lumberjacks will passively retreat on the presence of large numbers of people. Kind of like Sasquatch.

    Getting a “pack” of Lumberjacks assembled would be hard enough unless they were forced into a Hardware Store by a LogBoss. In that case, they would already be in a heightened and potentially agitated state far above their natural behavior. This artificial scenario can be likened to a circus animal running amok. If it had been in the wild, the incident would not have occurred.

    Free-roaming Lumberjacks are the cryptids of the Hardware ecosystem. They are surprisingly quiet and unobtrusive.

    Please stop labeling Lumberjacks as dangerous roving social predators. They are intermediate level omnivores and remarkably peaceful unless threatened.


    As a hardware store worker I can say that this is all 100% accurate.


    now how in the FUCK am i supposed to leave tumblr when a god tier post like THIS is just is just waiting for me daily?!?!?!


    question where does the “art student” or “DIYer” “crafter” or “soap maker” or “miniaturist“ etc. who has ventured into the store for supplies fall into the ecosystem/what is their impact of said ecosystem?


    Most of the above are native to craft and hobby stores (art students, historically, are native to museums, but having been introduced to hobby stores, have found a niche for themselves and thrived), but all can be seen in hardware stores on occasion due to territorial overlap. They are generally low-impact, as they tend to stick to specific small areas and primarily utilize different resources. While a large group of any of them can be disruptive (art students, in particular, are known to travel in packs), in general, they are more likely to have territorial disputes with one another than with the local fauna. 

    A point of clarity -“crafter” is a bit misleading; while it conjures a specific image, much like ‘fish’ or ‘reptile’ it actually covers a broad array of wildly disparate species, and in general, more descriptive nomenclature is preferred. Fiber artists in particular are a genus to watch out for, particularly in groups. Beware a roving pack of domesticated quilters. They fear nothing, will go anywhere, and due to their social nature, will often seek interaction from other species that thrive best in solitude. They are quite friendly, and will happily adopt members of other species; the concern is that their adoptees do not always wish to be adopted. 


    sometimes people try to tell me that scientists are paragons of rationality and I have to break it to them that I have yet to work in a lab that didn’t have at least one weird secret shrine in it


    new guy: why is all of the equipment in this room covered in toys?

    me: dONn’t touch those

    new guy:

    me: they need the toys to function. if they don’t all have toys they get jealous.

    new guy:

    new guy:

    me: when something breaks just take the wizard and wave it around for a while. they seem to like that.


    Science is rational, scientists are human. 


    In Taiwan we have a special brand of snacks named 乖乖 (literally means “well behaved” but in a casual way like when one’s compliment a child or a pet of being good) that has green package.

    It has become the lucky charm in the IT industry because engineers believe it will make machine acting good (like the name of the snack) and stay in green light (like the color of the snack’s package) when a 乖乖 is put on top of a server.

    It is the only food allowed in a server room and the biggest semicondoctor company in Taiwan (which is also the biggest worldwide) even commissioned the snack factory to make a customized version with blessing on the package.

    This is how a server room is blessed by 乖乖. You put at least one on top of each server. It’s important that the engineers change them before the expire date because legend says the snack looses it’s power after expire date.

    You’ll hear engineers swearing up and down that their server room crushed down the one time they forgot to change the snack.  Or some newbie ate the forbidden snack put on top of their server and caused a disastrous crush down.

    The 乖乖 religion later spread to all people who want their machine to act nice. In the lab we put 乖乖 on ultra-low freezer (you really don’t want it to drop dead along with your 2 years’ worth of sample/data), mass spectrometer etc.

    When Taiwan’s about to launch the first self made satellite in 2017, the develop team even put 乖乖 around the satellite model to prey for a successful launch (it did). This shit is real.


    Broke: Humans are inherently good

    Broke: Humans are inherently evil

    Woke: Humans are, for good or evil, inherently ridiculous

    tropes that should continue:

    -butler being a bad ass motherfucker

    -someone with a dark past is now a doting husband and father

    -the clumsy fool being unkillable/immortal seemingly through luck

    -a literal god, just being a dude 

    -the evil guy, is evil, but still has morals

    -old witch lady

    -vague gremlin is the best person of the bunch

    -even satan loves his kids 


    Consider this (based on a conversation I had with some friends a while ago): Pride and Prejudice and Zombies for people who actually like Pride and Prejudice. Look–I tried to read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and I got about 20 pages in before I came to the conclusion that the person who wrote it did so out of the belief that the original Pride and Prejudice was stuffy and boring. There were out of character vulgar puns. And the trailer for the movie did not convince me that I had missed anything by cutting short my reading experience. So, what I’m talking about here is this premise: the world of Pride and Prejudice, but if you die, it’s highly likely, almost certain that your corpse will get up and try to eat people. But no one dies in Pride and Prejudice, you might say. In fact, few or no people die in any Jane Austen novel. This is true. But people do get sick with some regularity. Imagine the tension added to Jane getting sick after going to visit Bingley if there was the chance that she would become a zombie after she died. Becoming a zombie in an eligible bachelor’s house probably would have seriously wrecked any chances of any of the living sisters ending up with him. Imagine Mr. Collins, as a minister, having the duty upon someone’s death of severing their head with a ceremonial plate or something that would prevent the corpse from rising. Obviously important, but this only makes him more self-important and obnoxious. And dangerous. For you see, in this version, Mr. Bennett, who stays in his office all the time, whose life is the only thing allowing Mrs. Bennett and her daughters to stay in the house–Mr. Bennett is definitely a zombie. He died at home, and Mrs. Bennett decided that, no way were they dealing with this, and so…just started faking it. Jane and Elizabeth know. The younger sisters don’t. In this universe, I think we have to go with zombies that are not any faster or stronger than the humans they were, and in fact tend to get weaker as time passes because their flesh is rotting. And…hmm, okay, how about they are pretty violent upon rising, and for about a week afterward, trying to bite people and spread the infection (even though most people are carriers anyway, but getting a nasty bite from a corpse will give you other stuff that will have you die while carrying the virus). But then they calm down and basically just start sort of attempting to act like they did in life, that is, taking habitual actions with no consciousness, in a depressing and desiccated way. So Mr. Bennett is a zombie, and Mrs. Bennett’s number one goal is to get her daughters married before anyone finds that out. And this, actually, makes Elizabeth’s refusal of Mr. Collins more frustrating for Mrs. Bennett–obviously Mr. Bennett didn’t tell Elizabeth that she could refuse Mr. Collins, because Mr. Bennett is dead, but Mrs. Bennett can’t say anything or the game would be up. Another question in this version–does Mr. Darcy find out about Mr. Bennett being a zombie somehow? Does Elizabeth find out that he knows and didn’t say anything and this is something that helps repair his earlier actions? Anyway, this is the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies that I was looking for.


    Okay also: in the original, when Elizabeth walks through the rain all the way to bingley’s to care for Jane while she’s sick, it’s a very dramatic expression of both Elizabeth’s love for her sister and her penchant for flamboyant rebellion, but consider, if there is a chance Jane will wake up a zombie and Elizabeth knows it, how does that change the dynamic? Elizabeth might be going to help take care of Jane, or to *take care* of Jane should things take a more morbid turn…by killing her zombie sister.

    This works especially well if zombieism is communicable prior to death; if mr. Bennett is a zombie and only the elder Bennetts know, that means Jane has been pre-exposed and is almost certain to wake up as a zombie should she die in the Bingleys’ care— which the Bingleys do not know. Elizabeth has to forge through the rain to be there in case things get ugly, because she knows that the Bingleys aren’t prepared.


    Yeah you know what? I am 100% for this. A few additions:

    *Mr. Collins self-importantly bragging to everyone that he is the one personally responsible for decapitating  Lady Catherine de Bourgh  should she fall victim to the devil’s touch and become a zombie, and that she specifically ordered her head to be burned in the grand fireplace at Rosings. 

    *The ambiguity as to whether or not Catherine’s pale, sickly daughter is in fact a zombie herself, but Mr. Darcy is expected to marry her anyway for the sake of family and keeping up appearances. 

    *Wickham is a necrophiliac, ‘nuff said


    This is so much better than Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which honestly just felt really lazy to me.


    Lydia’s vivacity is encouraged by Mrs. Bennett in part because being having an outgoing, cheerful, lively child who socializes with a lot of people all the time helps counter the rumors about Mr. Bennett. Obviously she wouldn’t be so happy and flirtatious if her father were dead; he’s just always been a bit reclusive and Odd. Kitty is encouraged to follow her example in this for the same reason.

    Mary is prone to sermonizing about zombiism and what one should or would do in the event of one’s own family members falling victim to it. 


    They *have* to pretend that Mr. Bennett is still alive. If they don’t, they lose the hose and Mr. Collins gets everything. Zombies fit perfectly in with the themes Jane Austen was interested in examining: putting on a good face at all costs, the problem of idle aristocrats… it works really well. 

    Also, Lady Catherine’s daughter is DEFINITELY a zombie. I can’t decide if it’s better if A) Lady C is in complete denial about this, but she’s so high ranking that no one says a Damn Thing. or B) Lady C absolutely knows her daughter is a zombie… and STILL thinks she’s better than Lizzie.


    i will never be over the fact that during first contact a human offered their hand to a vulcan and the vulcan was just like “wow humans are fucking wild” and took it


    Humanity’s first contact with Vulcans was some guy going “I’m down to fuck.”

    Vulcans’ first contact with Humans was an emphatic Sure.”


    “sir…these…these humans…they greet each other by…” *glances around before furtively whispering* “by clasping hands…”

    *prolonged silence* “oh my…”

    “sir…sir how will we make first contact with them? surely we…we cannot refuse this handclasping ritual, they will take it as an insult, but what vulcan would agree to such a distasteful and uncomfortable ritual??”

    *several pensive moments later* “contact the vulcan high command and tell them to send us kuvak. i once saw that crazy son of a bitch arm wrestle a klingon, he’ll put his hands on anything”


    Elsewhere, w/ kuvak: “….my day has come.”


    The vulcan who made first contact with humans is named Solkar guys. Y’all just be makin’ up names for characters that already have names.

    Bonus: here’s a screencap of Solkar doing the “my body is ready” pose right before he shakes Zefram Cochrane’s hand:


    I swear Vulcans only come in two types and they are “distant xenophobes” or “horny on main for humanity”. Also apparently this guy is Spock’s great-grandfather and frankly that explains everything.


    Hey so I looked into this at one point and that handshake literally created a lifelong telepathic bond between the two of them, and basically all of Solkar’s descendants were later obsessed with humans, including freaking SPOCK, so I’m not saying that handshake was so gay and good that it created an intergenerational telepathic bond between Solkar’s descendants and humans, but I’m also not….not….saying that.


    The slow deliberation with which Solkar takes Cockrane’s–I’m sorry, Cochrane’s–hand… The sheer sensuality witch which Solkar infuses an otherwise borderline impersonal social ritual… It clearly shows a very conscious knowledge, on Solkar’s part, of what the significance of the handshake is in Vulcan terms and of how affected he is by it.

    That’s why he’s so slow in doing it, and so sensual. A part of Solkar can’t believe this is happening, despite it being a perfectly logical thing to expect from a human, and the rest of him can’t believe how good it is.

    I bet that if the camera zoomed in any further we would see the dilation of Solkar’s pupils and a quickly-repressed shiver of delight. Cochrane’s firm, businesslike clasp is probably (in sexual terms) being perceived as a deliciously carnal display of dominance.



    And so we find out that yes, there is such a thing as bottoming in Pon-farr.


    Every time this post comes round my dash, it just gets better.


    Some Vulcan: we could probably just explain that handshakes are intimate in our culture

    Solkar, rubbing lip gloss on his hand: don’t tell me how to do my job 


    This is my favourite Star Trek post, complete with headcanons, corrections, the truth coming out of her well to shame Spock even. Seriously perfect fandom work.


    look at this shit. look. at. this. shit. it has fifteen thousand notes. what does it mean? why does a picture of the pin k panther with a to do lis that makes NO SENSE have fiFTEEN FUCKING NOTES. WHY. my mom could make better posts that this shit. what even. fuck tumblr.


    looks like someone doesnt know what to do. to do. to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooooooooooo, dodododododo


    Reblogging to tease the kids.