Create openings for communication during play, and don’t shame your bottom for calling the safe word.

    So I’ve been thinking back on a lot of my past encounters with people over the last 7 years of being out and sexually active in both vanilla world and kink land. There are a handful of encounters  that rise to the top and stir up all kinds of controversial feelings inside of me, and I’m going to talk about them a bit.

    These scenes are a source of conflicting emotions for me because they were equal parts good and bad. That is to say, for large portions of the scene, the gear was great, and a lot of my turn-ons were engaged the entire time, which kept me horny and hot. However, there were a lot of things going on as well that kept me either on the edge or out of my comfort zone, or a lot of limits were consistently pushed past the red line. The problem in all of this, was that I was either unable to properly articulate that something was wrong or was approaching a limit, or I was afraid and uncomfortable of articulating any of my concerns because of how I was being treated or going to be treated when I did it.

    In those scenes, the things in common in all of them, was that I was heavily gagged and unable to speak, and the times I tried to communicate that something was wrong, communicating was met with harsh backlash from the top. In some scenes, it came in the form of verbal abuse, where I was swore at and talked down to because I couldn’t handle something. In others it was met with physical punishment and violence for resisting (I had my head bashed around because I wouldn’t let one guy fuck me). In some scenes, it was just ignored and the person kept right on going. In all cases, it was unsettling, uncomfortable, and instantly pushed the panic buttons for me.

    And there was nothing I could do about it. My attempts to voice I was in trouble, I was ignored or got shit for it. Therefore, I ended up having to sit there, and deal with it.

    Scene. Ruined.

    Obviously, all play should include safe words, safety signals, safe-something. But what are those words and signals supposed to mean?  I’ve seen varying definitions. For some people, there’s multiple words and signals, all meaning different things, from “More of that!” to “I’m getting uncomfortable with this” to “Stop the scene; untie me, game over.” For other people, there’s just one signal, and one meaning, “Hold up. Communication time.” In some cases, people dive right in without even agreeing on any signals. This is a potential risk, because some tops play with the understanding that no official safe word means that there’s nothing off limits. In other cases, it works the opposite. Without giving someone the power to call a hard stop when things get to to be too much, some tops stay “safe” and don’t push things as hard as their subs would like, because the top is afraid to go “too far” without a hard confirmation that they are crossing a line.

    What’s the solution in the cases where there is no safe word? The responsible and educated top should be engaging and asking the sub for clear feedback if the scene
    is okay, and if they are fit to continue. 

    However, for another level of complexity….

    Asking for feedback from a sub is good. Safe words and signals are even better. However, all of this means nothing if the feedback or safe words/signals are not respected. If someone calls a time out, and you as a top, lean in their ear, and whisper something like, “You sure you can’t keep going and be a good boy, just for me?”, and coerce them, and keep going…..it doesn’t matter if they pull through and you shower them with praise afterwards because you knew they could do it. By continuing on when someone has indicated that they have hit a limit, or coercing them to keep going when they hit that limit, you have displayed complete and utter disrespect for the sub and have willingly ignored one of the fundamentals of kink, which is that when someone calls a safe word and indicates they need a time out, you listen and do so accordingly. You do not get to determine a subs limits. Period.

    Now, I’ve seen and read a lot of arguments from people stating that the communication responsibility is all on the bottom. This post is already long enough as is, but the short version is that there’s a philosophy out there among some tops that the top is never wrong. They are never at fault. If the sub didn’t properly communicate their limits, or the sub didn’t call safeword when they hit a limit, it’s the subs fault, and the top is just 100% blame free. 

    That’s some stupid ass shit, right there.

    What happens when you’re hooded and gagged and your mouth is wrapped in tape and sealed in leather or you’ve got a giant dildo shoved down your throat and held in place by a fuck machine? It’s kind of hard to talk clearly.

    What happens when you have hands in fist mitts and can’t make hand signals to indicate something is hitting a limit? It’s kind of hard to indicate something is wrong.

    What if
    the discomfort the sub is feeling is not one that is visible or easily explained? (For example, the sub is tied and mummified, and suddenly, they are now extremely nauseous?) 

    Congrats, we now have a problem on our hands. The sub cannot indicate anything at all to the top in an easy manner. Therefore, in these scenes, to expect the burden of communication to be entirely on the sub, is
    entirely unrealistic. The top needs to be engaging for confirmation and feedback.

    If something changes in the scene that causes a rapid descent from pleasure to extreme discomfort or pain for the sub, sometimes there just isn’t an opportunity to call out the safeword or ind
    icate with a hand signal that something is wrong. This is not the fault of the sub.

    If you have a panicked sub, how do you handle that?

    You tak
    e out the fucking gag, or take off the fucking hood,and you ask a fucking question.

    This is where I’ve had scenes entirely RUINED for me, and what could have saved them, 100%, is if the top simply asked a question. There have been times where I went from “this is amazing” to “instant gut dropping terror” in a matter of seconds. Sometimes, I’ve freaked out, and turn up the thrash mode. In other cases, I’ve gone dead silent and stiff as a board.

    In all cases, my behavior was so radically different than what I had previously been displaying, (either going from calm to thrashing, or moaning to dead silent) it alerted the tops that something was up. However, at no point in any of my bad scenes/encounters with people, did the tops think to pop off my gag or verbally confirm with me that things were okay. None of them leaned in and asked “Nod yes or no, what was I just did/am doing okay?” None of them took out the gag and asked “What just happened? You were fine and then you seemed to loose it.” In almost all cases, the tops just stopped doing whatever it was that they were doing that caused alarm for a few seconds, and then went back to doing it a second time, and either ignored my alarmed reaction and pressed forward, or just stopped doing what they were doing altogether and did something else (when they potentially could have kept going, if they had made a slight adjustment based on feedback I could have provided).

    TL;DR: If they simply create
    d an opening during the scene, for me to voice my current state of being, nothing would have been a problem.

    All they would have had to do was pop off the gag or cut off the duct tape and simply ask something like:  “Is everything okay? Are there any current limits that are being pushed too much? Is there anything that would need to change so that you could continue on longer?” 

    That’s all that’s needed. A direct question to a sub creates a space for communication.

    Whenever I top people, I make it a point to frequently ask how they are doing. I ask, “Is that too tight?” after finishing tying some knots. I ask, “are you alright?” if I’m getting particularly aggressive in fucking a bound and face-down sub. If I’ve got someone’s balls in rings and weights and they’re being stretched, I ask, “is that uncomfortable? are they getting sore or painful?”. 

    I create opportunities for them to voice any concerns about their current state, so that I can adjust and keep moving forward.

    This also has the benefit of having the person verbally confirm what yo
    u are learning about them. Different people have different limits, and what one sub can handle, does not mean another sub can take it as well.

    When playing with people over and over again, you learn things about them. You learn their noises. You learn the signs they make when they start to get uncomfortable. You learn how much they can handle and how much they can take. However, without official confirmation from the person you are playing with, that what you are doing is either enjoyable or unpleasant, you cannot accurately make good judgement on their behalf on what is safe to proceed forward with and what is not safe to continue doing.

    A lot of people say that this is what aftercare is for, and that once everything is over and all the rope is off and on the floor, you talk about what went wrong and what went right, and made adjustments for the future.

    The problem is that if
    you are waiting until “aftercare” to discuss this, any possible damage has already been done, and no amount of talk is going to take it back! 

    So please, new tops, old tops, good tops, mediocre tops. Please, take heed!

    Responsible communication about limits and safe words is not 100% for the submissive to articulate. Part of your responsibility as a top is to engage this dialogue, both before, during, and after a scene.

    If you do not create spaces during a scene where you engage and ask your sub how they are handling things so far and if they are in shape to continue, then you are failing at communication fundamentals. Furthermore, if you do take out the gag and ask the sub how they are doing, and they indicate that they do not wish to continue with a certain activity, or they indicate that something is wrong and it needs attention, and you willingly chose not to address any of it and continue onward despite being told otherwise, you are being disrespectful, breaking fundamental tenants around BDSM and communication, and walking the line between sexual expression and downright sexual assault. If you do choose to address the sub’s concerns, however you shame them or punish them for needing to call a time out or being unable to fulfill something they agreed too,you are being a psychologically manipulative person, and therefore, are a giant piece of shit.

    So. To recap:

  • Agree on safe words and safe signals
  • Respect those safe words and safe signals, both as kink fundamentals, and as extensions of the person you are playing with
  • If the sub is in a position where articulation of a safe word or safe signal may be hard or difficult, OR a safe word or safe signal was not agreed upon (yes, this happens), periodically ramp down the scene and confirm with them that they are okay by creating an opportunity for them to voice their concerns uninhibited
  • If the sub is new to kink or new to playing with you, periodically ask for their feedback during the scene in order to confirm what you are learning about them and to create an opportunity for them to voice their concerns uninhibited
  • Don’t be a psychologically manipulative piece of faggot trash shit by shaming people for calling safewords or forcing people to go on after they have called for a time out because you think they can handle it.
  • Practice safe sex.
  • BDSM is about communication, consent, and mutual enjoyment. Not every person plays the same, and not all play is of the same intensity. The only way to fully gauge enjoyment, safety, and consent is to ask questions before, during, and after, and to not discourage honest and open dialogue because it means having to take things off the table during play

    I want to get tied up. You want to have a sexy boy tied up. It would be in your best interest to ask me how I’m doing and make adjustments based on my feedback, so that I can stay tied up longer, and fulfill both our wants. If my feedback or limits threaten your ego as a top, then your inconsiderate style of play threatens my safety and comfort as a bottom. 

    Simple as that.

    nobledominance-deactivated20161

    you aren’t worthless and your safety should be a priority

    something i see frequently is someone who identifies as faggot / sub / beta calling themselves stupid or worthless (not the mainstream use of the word ‘faggot’ but that in the Alpha / faggot dynamic) or someone who calls themselves alpha demanding immediate submission and calling a faggot stupid or worthless. 

    being a faggot does not mean you are worthless or stupid.  you are far from it.  

    remember submission is your choice.  surrendering your desires is your choice.  choosing to give up control or give up your rights is the choice you get to make.  yes, once they are given up, strict obedience and surrender to Alpha pleasure is the expectation.  but that does not make you worthless or stupid. 

    your choice to submit has enormous tangible value because - among other things - without it your Alpha would not receive the pleasure you desperately want to give him.  and, without your choice, you would not have that  ‘at home’ experience that final surrender brings you.  if you are one who understands the true  Alpha / faggot dynamic, you know precisely what that means.   you understand it is much more than sexual dynamic. the sexual dynamic is just a physical expression. 

    it takes strength and courage to give up control.  that is the opposite of worthless. if someone insists your are actually worthless, turn and walk the opposite direction. remember, submission and surrender is a valuable choice.

    recently, one of my college faggot pups asked for guidance when a local Alpha insisted he take a poz load from an unmedicated top with the goal of pozzing him. he was obviously nervous and did not want to do it but was unsure what to do because he did not want to be disrespectful. my anger when he told me made me shake because i want him safe. i told him absolutely not under any circumstances was he to do so unless that was his consented choice which even then i strongly advised against giving consent to. 

    hear this: a true Alpha, a wise one, will never put you in a position that compromises your safety.  instead they will lead you into loyalty through wisdom that ensures safe surrender.  they do not try to force you into blind compliance demanded just because some dude chooses to call himself “alpha”.  There is a difference between a real Alpha and one who uses the name alpha. 

    one final point.  if you are one who truly embraces the Alpha / faggot dynamic, be proud of it, even when those who don’t understand attack you. i get the messages attacking me too.  some people who may scream the loudest for tolerance in the mainstream culture will be the most intolerant of your consented choice in the Alpha / faggot dynamic.  embrace it anyway if it’s where you know you feel complete.  their intolerance and hatred says much more about them than it ever does about you. 

    remember faggots, surrender wisely to Alphas who will lead you to safe, firm, and consistent rule where your pleasure is their pleasure. 

    the-pussyhounder

    I could not have said it any better brother. I take my responsibility to my faggots seriously….as it should be. The surrender to us and that means we are responsible. for them. 

    domthesub

    THIS IS SO IMPORTANT!!

    I have often told people, while discussing limits, that when it comes to verbal stuff, I am basically open to any names or anything you want to call me, but I will not be called worthless. Anyone who even considers crossing that line is not someone worth being with.

    I love being a faggot, it’s so much fun…and I know for a fact that I have worth, because I am very good at what I do, and I know how to give an Alpha the pleasure he both wants and deserves. I submit to Alphas not because I am worthless and am just a hole, but because I know how good and worthwhile my holes are.

    It’s so incredible to hear these words come from an Alpha. Thank you very much @alphacumdumpbreeder for posting this. It means a lot, and speaks to you and your quality as an Alpha.

    objectd

    Improve The Breed - Communication For Doms

    Here are some ‘pearls of wisdom’ for new Doms on how to establish a healthy Dom/sub connection. Some of these pointers pertain to more intense play, but are good suggestions regardless of the type of play.

    1. Communicate. Probably the most important skill to learn as a Dom, is how to effectively communicate. As the leader it’s your job to keep communication an open, two-way street. Subs often shut down or disconnect. It’s not because they are being defiant. Sometimes it’s part of their subspace experience, and sometimes they’re overwhelmed by what’s happening. They may perceive what you are doing as abuse, or relate it to a moment of abuse in their past. It can happen at any time, even when doing something you’ve already done before with no problems. Here are some tips to developing good habits to facilitate communication between you and your sub.

    2. Be yourself. Even though Dom/sub relations are technically ‘role play’ most people want to play with real people. Especially in the beginning, subs want to know an authentic, personal side of you, and know that you are someone they can rely on, and they can trust.

    When a sub offers himself to you it is a big deal, and he’s offering himself to YOU, not some fictional character. He wants YOU to lead him through any challenges and adversity. He needs your help. If you’re trying too hard or doing something that’s way out of character, then rethink your strategy. Your sub will see how uncomfortable it is for you and his confidence may waver. So start slow and easy. That being said, if you’re trying something new and it’s backfiring or turning into a clusterfuck, just stop, say that it’s not working out, and laugh it off. Bonding comes from sharing both successes and failures. Handling failures well is just as important as enjoying success.

    3. Establish endpoints, and checking in: Unless it is your lifestyle, it’s a good habit to establish things I call ‘endpoints’ and ‘checking in.’

    Endpoints: An endpoint is simply defining the beginning and ending of a BDSM scene. Create a time, before and after a scene, for physical contact and communication. Be positive, affirming, calm, relaxed. Smile, use touch, eye contact, and say something like, “we’re gong to have a really good time today all right?” or “You did a great job today, thank you.” Simple common courtesy. And listen to what your sub has to say.  Treat it like a ritual. Subs respond very well to this kind of consistency. It only takes a minute and it does a world of good towards building trust and camaraderie.

    Checking in: Checking in can happen within a scene or can be used as a transition between scenes. It’s basically a short rest period - less than 30 seconds - where you ease up on stimulation, when a sub can regroup, verbalize his condition, think things out, relax a little, get ready for more. Think of it like a little chunk of aftercare inside of a scene. It’s a good time to re-establish a connection, check in with the sub and see how he’s doing. Speak with a comforting tone, be encouraging. Ask him “how are you doing?” Over a very short time he’ll become conditioned so that when he’s in this ‘safe zone’ he knows he’s physically safe from harm, and will come to relish those times and bond with you over them. It also serves as a reality check, allowing the sub to momentarily assert control if he wishes. When you’re ready to start up again, just say, ‘you ready?’ and listen to his response.

    4. Handling meltdowns and catharsis. It will happen eventually. Especially if you’re involved with punishments or endorphin rushes, S&M and longer, more intense scenes. A strong emotional release….crying, or anger or fear. Grief, heartache, anguish, passion, joy, gratitude. A hundred emotions and powerful feelings all culminating together and overflowing. It’s like an unstoppable force that grabs hold of your body and doesn’t let go. At that moment, it can go either way:  It can be a powerfully positive cathartic experience - something life-changing that your sub will be eternally grateful for. Or it can be devastating to him - something that will leave him scarred, erase all the trust you’ve built,  and fill you both with regret.

    The most important thing you can do as a Dom at that moment, is BE THERE. Stop extraneous stimulation. Make it quiet. Be physically close, but not obtrusive. If you do make physical contact, make it firm contact, like an anchor he can hold onto. Don’t be overly consoling…you don’t know what he’s thinking right now. Just be there, and say the words, “I’m here with you. I’m right here.” Say it just a few times, not over and over. Try not to say things like, “you’re ok,’ because he’s not. Instead, say “you’ll BE ok.” “I’ve got you.” I’m with you.” Realize that this is HIS experience, not yours. He needs to handle this himself. But he needs you there to witness it, and honor it, and honor him. By being present with him. That is all.

    When the time is right, when things settle a bit, tell him “I’m going to untie you now and then we’re going to go rest for a while.” Expect another emotional release to return at some point, and again, use firm steady touch, like an anchor. Go lay down for a while with him. Cover him with a blanket. Warm him with your body. Hold him close and let him have his experience. When he is still, give him some time by himself to rest. He might fall asleep for a while. That is normal. When he wakes again, he might be really happy and energized, or kinda dazed and confused, or exhausted and hungry. Your boy just worked very hard for you. Be a good mentor and tend to HIS needs.

    submitted by: - JocKDieseL

    jockdiesel69@gmail.com

    recon.com/jockdiesel

    mrkristoferweston

    Very good advice for all Doms