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2021-01-02 04:40:28

    I’ve always struggled: is this depression, or is this realism? Most people don’t see what’s really happening in the world, they don’t care. They live in their own bubble and only concern themselves with what directly effects them.

    If they realized everything happening, would they still feel happy? Would they do anything about it?

    I want to change the world, always have. But it just seems so hopeless. There are powers in control much stronger than we could ever imagine. Nothing we can do will stop it.

    Why are we here and why did acquiring wealth become so many peoples’ life mission?

    Does the value of life and the future have a monetary value?

    If we acquire the wealth, are we better? Are we fulfilled? What are the wealthy purchasing? Are their purchases fulfilling? Was the process worth it?

    I just think all that is empty. I’ve chased wealth for so long, and I just don’t know why. I don’t know my endgame plan.

    There’s some sort of disconnect with me. I watch numbers grow on a phone screen and it doesn’t feel like anything. It isn’t fulfilling, yet I can’t stop.

    I’m really sick of hating my body my whole life. I can’t believe I haven’t taken control of things years ago. I’m terrible with being consistent with things and staying motivated. I care enough to be unhappy with my body, but don’t care enough to spend months (years?) fixing it.

    I’m back to trying again to get the weight off. My wake up call was gaining 5.5 lbs in a month, a large part of which was binging on Halloween candy.

    With what I weighed this morning, I need to lose 45-50 lbs to be at a (healthy) weight I feel I would be proud and happy with. It’s a number I haven’t seen since I was a kid, probably.

    It’s so easy to just do nothing. I really want to do nothing. But I’m pushing myself to try to fix this once and for all.

    Lately I feel like I’m drowning. Kids bedtime went from the best time of day to worst. Everyone is fighting sleep and I’m not managing well. The hardest part is doing it all alone. I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I’m begging for help, yet I’m dismissed. Maybe he thinks I’m just being dramatic. I really really can’t keep doing this. It’s destroying me. I can’t take the stress. I can’t take the pressure. I can’t continue this way.

    This could so easily be changed if he’d just try. Instead his anxiety holds him back and I continue to drown.

    Today I cry at the sink because of what happened 7 months ago.

    My son was born and I was so happy. All I wanted was to share the joy and first moments with my husband but that was robbed of me. I was all alone with my son. Because I had no reliable family or friends to help with my girls for those few days in the hospital.

    I cried for hours that night. My son peacefully slept. I begged my husband to help. Find someone. Do something. I don’t know if he ever tried. But he never knew how much it hurt me.

    The nurse saw me bawling. She thought it was PPD and says to go back on antidepressants. No. It wasn’t PPD. It was devastating loneliness combined with disappointment in everyone, combined with being robbed of some of the most precious moments that should’ve been shared with my husband.

    All these months later it still hurts me like a fresh wound. I’ll never forget how much it hurt. Ill always regret not trying harder. Maybe if I would’ve begged and pleaded with everyone I knew, maybe if they knew how bad I was suffering, maybe someone could’ve helped. I shouldn’t have been selfless this time.

    Sometimes i feel abandoned.

    I feel abandoned by the people I was once close to.

    I was so easy to lose. I wasn’t fought for. The efforts weren’t made much. Why? Was I not good enough or worth staying close to? Not just strangers, but at times even my own family.

    I think I’m a good friend. I’ll fight for you. I’ll stay loyal til the end. I’ll treasure all the memories forever. I’ll remember your birthday and try to make it special. I’ll do what I can to make you happy and know you’re valued. I rarely feel any of that in return.

    I’m forgettable. I can be left out without anyone giving a shit. I could die and most people wouldn’t think twice about it. That’s hurts.

    I’ll never forget a couple short years ago when I just barely scraped by paying bills. Worrying my Medicaid would be canceled. Trying to maximize my WIC benefits. Our house payment came out twice in one month once, and it damn near broke us. Sometimes I had to borrow money from my mom to pay bills. It was the worst and I really didn’t think we’d ever get out of it. There was no way out. We didn’t have any luxuries, just normal day to day bills and we were still struggling. I’m forever thankful things are better now. I’ll never forget the stress or the tears shed trying to be the creative financer to get everything paid and never go without.

    I had a dream that showed me what I was dying to see. A dream that showed my life if I had chose differently. God I’m glad I had that dream. I was miserable in it.

    It was constant fighting. Pettiness. Theft. Immaturity. Gaslighting. Unhappiness. Hurt. And to top it all off - a broken wedding ring.

    I know I need to be more thankful and happy with my life. I’m in the trenches right now and will likely be for the next 5 years, so trying to be happy is a big struggle.