Some of the most racist people Iâ€™ve met have been white gay people. Once I met a â€śmixedâ€ť white couple, where one was a Young Republicanâ„˘ and the other was a Democrat. They were my age and we were all in college. Both of them were racist af.
Gay and Trump 2020 doesnâ€™t make me a white supremacist you fucking idiots
I've spent hours obsessing over why I'm not good enough. Hours lost, standing in front of the mirror, studying my face and wondering if it's because I'm not pretty enough. Reading back old conversations and wondering if I'm annoying, too needy, too much. Will anyone ever stick around? I try so hard, but I'm just never worth it in the end.
broken thoughts | 2am
it was a lot more than a hug: an (unintentional) short essay on mental health & steven worm
I LOVED THE HUG OKAY.
Iâ€™ve seen a lot of people saying things likeÂ â€śuGh thE eNdiNG sUcKEd geTtiNg a hUG doEsNâ€™T sOLvE aLL yOuR pRoBLeMsâ€ť. but in my opinion, thatâ€™s exactly the point.Â
All throughout the second half of SUF, theyâ€™re trying to show us that there is no one way to feel immediately better and have all of your problems solved. He goes to pretty much every source he can. The gems arenâ€™t necessarily seeing what heâ€™s going through, Connie isnâ€™t going to solve this for him, his Dad is helping in an unhelpful way, so he goes to Jasper and that went haywire, so he goes to the diamonds and they just make it worse. And then what is he supposed to do?
Every single time Steven goes to a person toÂ â€śhelpâ€ť him, heâ€™s going to them seeking help in order to fix it. and thereâ€™s a bigÂ difference between the two.Â
I have anxiety, depression, and OCD, and often when Iâ€™m panicking or having moments of high anxiety, I do what Steven did: I seek out people not to help me, but to fix it for me. I then react the same way Steven did - with anger - when people try to help instead of just fixing it.
Anxiety, depression, panic, none of those things can be completely and magically cured and rid of in the snap of a finger. But in the moment, for people like me, for a person like Steven, the thought of that feeling not being entirely solveable is petrifying.
Â Itâ€™s like if someone is drowning and splashing around: you canâ€™t get the life ring around them because of how much movement and commotion theyâ€™re creating. But theyâ€™re drowning, so you canâ€™t just tell themÂ â€śHey, stop moving so I can help you!â€ť From your perspective, youâ€™re trying to help them by encouraging them to do something that will in turn allow you to help them. But to that person, if they stop flailing, theyâ€™re going to sink even further, and that is terrifying, so much so that they canâ€™t even consider that you might be wanting to help them. All they can process is that you told them to stop doing the one thing that they donâ€™t want to do: sink. Even if theyâ€™re sinking just for a moment, before you save them, that doesnâ€™t matter. That feeling of sinking is terrifying, so they end up splashing around more.Â
When Steven seems to be babbling on, almost comedically, in â€śEverything is Fineâ€ť, trying to convince himself heâ€™s fine, heâ€™s gotten to a stage that I was in for a while, a sort of mania, where he is not only attempting to convince everyone around him that heâ€™s fine, he has convinced himself that he is fine. This is a huge red flag for people with bipolar disorder or manic depression (NOT diagnosing Steven, I am not a professional, Iâ€™ve just experienced many of these things and been surrounded by people experiencing these things and professionals explaining them to me. Like I said, I was in the hospital for this, so). Everyone around him starts to see that he is, in fact, not fine, as theyâ€™ve already surmised. But the physical consequences of them not doing anything, not doing enough, are starting to manifest.
When he morphs into the Steven Worm, he has lost his sense of self. He doesnâ€™t know what to do with himself, he canâ€™t exist within himself with the world heâ€™s created. He didnâ€™t tell the Gems about the hospital, he didnâ€™t tell his dad he was angry, he didnâ€™t actually tell Connie he needed her he just proposed. He doesnâ€™t know what to DO with all of this. So it explodes around him.
He canâ€™t control his feelings, himself anymore. He feels heâ€™s lost control. For me, a human, this morphs into a panic attack. But for him, heâ€™s a gem, he turns into Steven Worm.
Not even the diamonds, the most powerful beings in the entire Gem universe, are incapable of changing him. His emotions bring White Diamond to her knees. But what theyâ€™re doing wrong here is theyâ€™re trying to fix him!
When Connie bolts in on Lion and is making her (iconic) rallying cry, she never says they need to fix Steven or heal him; she says they need to help him. Because thatâ€™s the only way he can get better.
When you go to the psychiatric hospital, you donâ€™t go to get fixed. Youâ€™re in an environment where youâ€™re made so youâ€™re not a physical danger to yourself, and then you do a shit ton of work. You have therapy multiple times a day, every day, all week. You do work, they donâ€™t just fix it for you. And this is the solution that we need to see portrayed. This is the solution they didÂ portray in SUF.
Mental health disorders canâ€™t be fixed. And Stevenâ€™s problems werenâ€™t solved with a hug.Â
But we needed to see the hug. Because Steven needed to see the hug.
The hug wasnâ€™t just about hugging him. It was about literally forcing him to come face-to-face with the love and support he had been inadvertenly, and then intentionally, pushing away. It forced him to say,Â â€śOkay, this is who I am right now. And these people love me.â€ť
I had to have the people in my life tell me over and over that they loved me when I went to the hospital. I had to have my doctors tell me that they cared for me, my therapist tell me that I wasnâ€™t talking too much, because I didnâ€™t believe them. I had convinced myself I wasnâ€™t worthy, I was a fraud, just like Steven. Sometimes you need that love in your face, surrounding you so that it is the only thing you can see, for you to be able to let it in.Â
The hug didnâ€™t fix everything!Â Thatâ€™s the big thing. The hug was a pure, beautiful moment, but I donâ€™t believe it was meant to be a plot device to try to fix everything. Everyone was still emotional, he still destroyed things, he scared people, he scared himself. That wasnâ€™t all magically fixed because of the hug. But his resolve to do the work, get help, and accept what happened to him - that is what made him go from Worm Steven to Boy Steven.
And afterward, we seen Steven has grown. He hasnâ€™t morphed, his hair hasnâ€™t changed, heâ€™s not pink. But heâ€™s grown mentally. Heâ€™s communicating more making plans, his disposition has changed. I donâ€™t like that they called what he had a meltdown (again, I vouch that it was a gem version of a panic attack), but YALL STEVEN HAS A THERAPIST NOW! Heâ€™s is not only getting the help that he needs, he is showing that he is going to continue needing this help, and thatâ€™s okay! Heâ€™s making plans to visit people, to go see the world, on his own terms!Â
Â Heâ€™s scared and sad of leaving the gems, and itâ€™s also time to leave the gems. Itâ€™s time to move on, and be a new Steven.
Weâ€™ve seen a lot of Stevens the past few weeks. But Steven driving off past the Big Donut into the night was my favorite Steven. That was vulnerable Steven. That was Steven doing the work to be himself, to exist with his feelings and the ways he had acted, and the things he had gone through. That was my boy. Steven Universe.
When I saw my mom for the first time while I was in the hospital, the first thing she did was give me a big hug (I was a blubbering mess, of course). But it wasnâ€™t just that my mom was giving me a hug. She was telling me she was there for me, she loved me, she was telling me she would stay up on the phone with me as long as the doctors would let me, she would drive 3 Â˝ hours from our home in Michigan to the hospital in Ohio at a moments notice (I went to school in Ohio and went to the hospital there too before coming home). That hug was her forcing me to see that she was there for me, even if I didnâ€™t believe it, or didnâ€™t want to believe it.
So yeah, Steven got a hug. But it was a lot more than a hug, okay? Take my word for it
â€śI thought they stopped making them.â€ť
â€śThey did! So I made my own!â€ť
Sometimes you canâ€™t go back. Sometimes even though it would be the perfect happy ending to bring back an element of where you came from, it just never happens and your old sweet comfort doesnâ€™t return.
So you make your own.
You deal with the fact that itâ€™s imperfect. And maybe a little ugly. And isnâ€™t the same. And doesnâ€™t come in a cool package shipped to a convenient location that you can just enjoy without much trouble.
You deal with it, and you enjoy this version of the taste, and you accept that you can choose to have something in your life even if you have to put it there in unprecedented ways.
Make your own Cookie Cats, yâ€™all.
My first homemade Cookie Cat
The Cookie Cats I make now
OKAY so I saw this a few days ago and was likeÂ â€śwhateverâ€ť but then I smashed my phone in a car door, had to clean up some dead baby bunnies in my yard, and have just generally NOT had a good week. Iâ€™m fucking spooked and Iâ€™m reblogging this twice to get the universe to stop.
I ignored this too and then i got kicked out of my house. Also reblogging twice.
reblogging again, not taking any chances
Donâ€™t like y'all.