notes on breakups: realize you’re grieving, crying is cleansing, closure doesn’t always happen, there’s no room for pride, you can’t fill the void with sex, stop checking their social media, go to bed early, focus on school, or work, or the gym, don’t lose yourself, embrace change, you’ve been here before, you’ll get through this again

    jesus christ thats a pretty face. august 11th started out as the happiest i had been in awhile. it ended the worst ive ever felt. i woke up to being profiled by ID/Vice magazine, something i worked hard for 2 years ago. i busted my ass to even get that job and had to work hard as fuck the day they filmed it. i was told it was being filmed for a sunglass commercial and to just talk and do whatever they told us to do. it was scripted and shit but seeing it was actually something else was pretty exciting. i thought my girlfriend would be happy as fuck for me. i was pretty happy. i wanted all my friends to see it, i wanted to show my mom so she could be proud of me. instead i ended up wishing it never existed. i saw and so did many others, madeleine dragging the video saying how she was embarrassed of me because of it. she later apologized publicly but it still hurt my feelings. it caused some problems with us early in the day but she assured me i was her star and her pride & joy and that she let me down as a girlfriend. later on in the day she had been ignoring me for hours, not posting on her social media, which were characteristics of the first time she cheated on me. i had her locations in my phone because i didnt trust her because of her lying and cheating in the past. i had my assumptions but never actually thought when i showed up i’d be right. this feeling is killing me. im distraught. seeing the person youre in love with pay attention to someone else makes you wonder alot of things. i wonder if theres something wrong with me. i wonder what he has that i dont. theres a lot of questions that need to be answered that i dont think i could handle actually knowing. i’m wondering why i’m not good enough for someone i’m utterly in love with. it stretches beyond love and a relationship. madeleine was my best friend. the only reason i’m alive and never took my own life. she picked me up when i fell, knew what to do or say to help me with my mental problems. as anyone can probably tell whos ever glanced at my social media, i suffer from bipolar disorder and severe depression. its nothing cool or to talk about. no one understands me or what i go through mentally. im heart broken, hurt, crushed, and scared. i can’t eat or sleep. im depressed.. god im so depressed. it hurts to be alive. physically and mentally. no one will ever know how i feel inside. you can try to pick me apart based off what you see or hear but you’ll never really know who tyler grosso is. all i can do is write at this point. everything i’m feeling. i try so hard to please everyone in my life, whether its madeleine, my friends, my mother. i dont think anyone sees the good in me or looks at me the way i want to be received by everyone. im so alone. i don’t want to be alone. i dont want to feel this way anymore. i know posting about everything may have not been the way to go about this but when you have a girl you’ve been in love with for a year telling you how youre everything to her only to see that same girl in another mans arms the same exact day it really gets to you. i was in shock. i still am. everything i said was true. i wasnt trying to ruin her reputation or drag her down or have my fans gang up on her and say mean things to her. please dont say things to hurt her. no matter what happened. i was bullied as a kid and its probably a big reason im the way i am so dont intentially try to hurt this girl or anyone else for that matter. ive just sat back and been reading everything online. thank you to some of my close friends who are trying to be there for me. thank you to any fans or supporters of mine who have sent me positive messages. seeing her talk about me being unstable and how no one in her life wants me around hurts more than you would think. seeing madeleine tweet how he made her smile felt like a stab in the chest to me. i want to be the reason someone smiles. i try really hard and do the best i can. i don’t really know what happens from here. madeleine has cheated on me in the past and i took her back under the belief things would be different. i thought they would be. i cant make someone want me though and i cant control her wanting someone else. i thought i’d marry this girl. she was my entire life. she met my mother, knew everything about me, was my soul mate. we were even going to move in together next week. i don’t know what to do. i dont know what to do with myself and i dont know what to do without her, without hearing her voice or touching her skin again. im so lost. i dont want to be alive. i dont expect anyone to understand. its not as easy as just “moving on” and forgetting someone or not thinking about someone or going out and fucking bitches. i dont want that. i dont want to look at someone or speak to anyone ever again. im still in love. its so fucked up. i’m in love with you and i will die in love with you.