pointless as an unsharpened pencil

hey. nice to meet you. i like english literature, tv shows, terrible memes. (23F)

Last update
2022-01-04 03:49:03

    back the fuck up


    There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up.

    So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him.

    The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off.

    Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes.


    did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out


    This just keeps getting better


    I fucking love history.


    ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok

    so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire.

    The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked.

    On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap

    When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro”

    and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes

    wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing.

    and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave.

    Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan wasbased specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat. 

    and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked.


    Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river.

    Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy. 

    Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows.

    Zhuge Liang is legend.


    I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History.


    If you want to see this in cinematic glory, watch Red Cliff.

    Especially since it makes Zhuge Liang look like this:


    Red Cliff is 50% bloody battles and 50% eye candy and about half of that eye-candy is due to Zhuge Liang


    I fully support watching Red Cliff; it’s gloriously silly entertainment during the battle scenes.


    Guess what just got moved to the top of my watch list?? :D


    My aesthetic: when you take off your glasses on a highway and all the lights go soft and smudged, a trail of amber behind you like a quiet afterthought


    My aesthetic: keeping my own glasses on so I can see the road and not die


    Im so sorry youve been trapped in the passenger seat all these years Yellow.



    So I run, a lot. I’ve dealt with assholes trying to throw soda on me to screaming as they drive by, or yelling ‘fag’ at my brightly colored 6 inch shorts (they do have an inner netting). The thing I hate the MOST is when people honk, not to alert me of their presence, but to try to scare me, I mean loud ass slam on your horn for 5 seconds types of honks.

    Anyway, I noticed that a white camaro in my neighborhood always did this when he saw me running. It turns out to be some teenage punk. One day, I see the car coming up from behind me on a reflection on a parked car. So I prime myself for an Oscar worthy performance.

    Sure enough, he honks as he passes. I stop, and clutch my chest, I mean, like informercial levels of dramatics. And I crumble on the street. The little jerk has a conscience, apparently, because he turns the car around and drives back. He gets out and is audibly freaking out.

    I’m still playing dead and he gets closer to try to check on me. He crouches down next to me to try to check for breathing.

    I SCREAM in his ear, get back up, and go on the rest of my run.

    Haven’t had to deal with the white camaro since.