Before we entered domestic discipline or D/s I remember wishing I could imagine a “day in the life” of a submissive living DD full time. I read as much as I could find on forums but I never felt like I could truly imagine what it would be like.
Of course, everyone does D/s a little differently. Our journey has lead us in a few directions that I didn’t anticipate in the beginning but am very happy with now. I originally thought I was only after rules and consequences. An early epiphany was recognizing that I actually wanted my partner to lead our relationship in general. We realized fairly early on that we both were drawn to sort of a traditional gender roles dynamic, too. Still, all of the fine details have taken time to figure out. I had no idea before starting D/s that the level of structure and “day to day” power exchange that we practice currently would interest me at all.
I am very fulfilled living D/s the way that we do right now. I feel strongly that the D/s style we have now is better for us both than the version I originally envisioned. Yet, I suspect that my younger self would have been rather surprised at what our D/s has become. Before I tried D/s, I had romanticized it. I knew the rules and consequences aspect of D/s would be tough. I knew it wasn’t all a romance novel. But I did think the “day to day” submission would be primarily little moments that would be really sweet or somewhat erotic. Little moments that made me melt or turned me on, like being reminded to stay safe or getting a random swat while doing the dishes. However, those blatantly sweet or erotic moments only make up a small percentage of our “day to day” D/s.
Sometimes everyday aspects of our daily life and 24/7 D/s do mix in an erotic or swoon-worthy way. @cynicaldom will tell me to stop chewing my nails as we’re watching The Game Of Thrones and I’m reminded that my body belongs to him. Or we’ll be at a birthday party and everyone is drinking soda. All the other adults just casually walk over and open the cooler and take out a soda as they feel the urge. I don’t have that same freedom. I mean, I guess I do. But I would be tossed over my man’s knee and paddled to tears when we got home. I would feel guilty for not fulfilling my commitment to submit to him and to let him have control of my soda habit. I would fall asleep with a red, burning butt. I value his leadership, and being his good girl so much more than soda that just grabbing one doesn’t feel like an option at all. So at that party I wait until we’re all alone and even then, I stand on tip toes to get closer to his ear so I can whisper “May I have a soda, please?”. All the while feeling so submissive and owned.
The truth is, the majority of our 24/7 D/s involves somewhat boring or repetitive things. Most of my daily tasks feel emotionally neutral in the moment. Being the one to cook and clean is something I value. When it’s my busy period at work and @cynicaldom takes over some of my regular chores, I appreciate his help but I wish I had the time to do it myself instead. I don’t particularly enjoy cleaning or cooking, but I love being the one who takes care of our house. I prioritize my “big picture” goal of being the one to keep the house over my feelings of the moment of preferring to sit on the couch and play Candy Crush. Sometimes I grumble about being told to go to bed, but I value his control over my desire to stay up longer. So many other aspects of my submission come down to choosing the big picture over my momentary feelings or preferences.
I don’t claim to understand the Dominant side very well. However, I do know that CD doesn’t get excited by every aspect of the responsibilities that he’s taken on as my Dom. Does it excite him to mow the lawn, take out the garbage, to work on the truck, or to determine how to allocate our budget? What about when I ask him to pick what I have for lunch because I don’t want to choose? What about when we’re having an intense conversation and he digs inside himself to control his tone and his language to keep the conversation calm and respectful on both sides? He knows his tone largely sets mine. He works to control his tone because he wants me to control mine. There are countless other ways in which he watches his own behavior and choices in part because he is my Dom and he actively works to continue to earn that title. For a few of my rules, he watches over me closely to ensure they are in fact done. He asks me if I’ve taken my medication. I don’t have a set bedtime, but I have to go to sleep within 16 hours of waking up. So everyday he asks me what time I woke up, and calculates what time I need to be in bed and he’ll be on me about shutting my computer off if I try to stay up too late. I don’t think any of that is particularly fun for him.
The point of having a D/s relationship isn’t all sexual for us, but the day-to-day aspects of our D/s supplement our sex lives. We both find D/s in the bedroom more intense and fulfilling because of the fact that he leads and I follow outside of the bedroom, too.
If there is one aspect of our current D/s that I never would have predicted in the beginning, it’s my rule about drinking water. I have to drink 5 of glasses of water per day. Each time I refill my glass I am to tell him a number, and once I finish the fifth I tell him that too. That’s six times a day that I inform him how much water I have consumed. I understand why that would sound boring, tedious, even irritating or annoying to most people. It’s not fun, it is a little boring and tedious. But it’s not irritating or annoying for us.
We didn’t decide on the water rule for the sake of having fun. That’s true for many of my other rules, too. Most rules are set in place because we believe they will improve our lives in some way. Drinking more water is healthier. Doing household chores regularly makes our house a nicer place to stay. But that’s only part of it. We also do it as a reminder to both of us that he is in charge, or that he is leading our relationship. Our rules are not tedious or annoying to us because in the big picture we appreciate the structure that it gives to our relationship. We both deeply crave having these roles and maintaining structure in this way. Doing the boring day-to-day stuff fulfills our deeper desire for structure, and that is more important to us than our desires in any given moment. We commit to the small daily chores and expectations because it is necessary to help us fulfill our bigger goals. It provides us both with self-discipline and clear expectations. Often D/s feels like work, and it is work. It’s just work that we find worthwhile because it keeps us where we want to be.