@uxhusband
Untitled
Posts
1489
Last update
2022-06-25 22:31:32
    ge-eff-dee-dommy

    Just for all you ppl with a sub in chastity.

    When locked and denied for a long time they'll generally become more needy and clingy.

    Make sure to give them plenty of cuddles and somewhat sexual physical contact. People need physical contact to truly feel happy, moreso when they're being denied long-term.

    • Have sessions where your sub gets to put their head on your lap
    • Spoon them.
    • Give them a finger to suck on while you watch a movie
    • Just keep a hand on their balls when possible.

    Little things like this are good for their mental state, and can actually make them happier to stay locked longer.

    nice-predator

    YES! Oh god, with all the chastity stuff going around, this is one element which is so important to know and acknowledge:

    Chastity is NOT the removal of sexual energy and needs, it is a reframing of them. Chastity isn't meant to lock away a man's sexuality altogether to be left alone and forgotten. It channels the drive normally spent on penis stimulation and orgasms to feed other aspects of the dynamic (affection, attention, intimacy, etc).

    Locking someone up only to walk away indefinitely and withdraw from those needs is basically neglect. The dynamic must remain on and keep a healthy flow of contact and presence between both partners in order to be vibrant and balanced.

    mrs--edge

    @nice-predator The "lock him and forget him" is another stereotype that I see on Tumblr but don't understand. Like why would anyone do that? I like how you said that his energy is "rechanneled". My husband is in his 60s and he is perpetually horny, and it keeps him very loving and affectionate.

    I don't do all those things like out my fingers in his mouth, but we do hug and touch a lot, and once in a while I like to do a "cage check" to make sure he knows I'm thinking about him 😉

    What is Dominance?

    Dominance and self worth are closely linked.  It takes a special kind of attitude to understand dominance. However, once this attitude is embraced, the understanding comes rather quickly.  As it comes on, many other things come with it.  Dominance is not just one aspect of a personality.  It pervades through all aspects, and is more of a state of being.  It becomes the theme of her personality.  She will discover this will work not only with her submissive male, but in all aspects of her life in general.

    Dominance is really about coming to terms with herself, and understanding that she’s worth it.  It’s about finding the strength to let go of inhibitions, and learning when to say no, and when to say yes.  So many women don’t know how to do this.  It’s far from uncommon when she answers yes when she wants to say no.  It could be anything from peer pressure, to insecurity, or loneliness.  Which many males can sense, and take full advantage of it.  We’ve all had that friend who we knew was in a relationship with the wrong guy.  You can almost smell it. You just sit back and wait for the inevitable teary eyed phone call that sure to follow in the coming days or weeks.

    It’s also far from uncommon where a woman never connects with her partner on the level that she desires, and she doesn’t quite know how to explain it to him. Or he simply doesn’t acknowledge her needs, and she remains quiet about it.  This can go on for decades, even an entire lifetime!  So many women are in a relationship, and have never had an orgasm in their entire lives.  They don’t believe they can have one. And some, don’t even understand why they should have one and lack the desire to completely. Others are riddled with some sort of guilt that doesn’t have a reason, some shame that society, or parents, or religion instilled into them.  Which automatically spills over into other aspects of their personalities and affects their decision making skills as functioning adults.

    With sexual pleasure missing from a woman’s life, it can cause excess stress, that she doesn’t realize is sexual frustration.  Which changes her moods, decision making abilities, and opportunities pass her by, that could be life changing.  Take that same woman, sexually fulfilled, and her days are going to go very differently. People are going to treat the sexually fulfilled version of the same woman, in a very different manner. There will be more respect, there will be more happiness, and there will be more attraction.  So many women are told they’re beautiful, and they love being complimented on their beauty, but deep down, many don’t believe they’re beautiful.  Because they don’t feel beautiful, because internally, they’re unfulfilled, and sexually unfulfilled. Therefore, how can she ever be dominant?  She doesn’t have a sense of self worth, self esteem, confidence.  She has inhibitions that prevent her from ever discovering how much power she really holds. Not just over men, but over her own empowerment as an individual.

    Which is why it’s usually a submissive man, trying to drop subtle hints, and coax her into being more dominant, trying to slowly drag her out into the light of awareness. Many women simply can’t and won’t get out of their inhibitions, because they really don’t believe there is another way to be.  Yet the open minded women, the ones willing to experiment just a little, or question things just enough… They’re the ones that discover a deeper part of themselves that has been buried under the rubble of history, they’re the ones that decide to entertain the idea of dominance.

    Generally, most women try it without the belief that it will work. They’re simply doing it because he wants her to try it. Yet once she does, something magical begins to happen.  As she takes control, and lets go a few of her inhibitions, the power she feels, begins to make her feel desired.  The extra attention that comes from her submissive, actually makes her feel like a sexual being, rather than a sexual object.  This gives her sexual desire.  And as she develops a little bit more dominance, she begins to understand that she can explore that sexual desire, her way.  Which is often completely foreign to her.  It’s so far out of the ordinary, that it begins to turn her on just based on the sheer power alone.  Her entire body begins to respond in a new way, and she discovers she loves it. She may not even believe it’s happening at first, but over time, her new found sexual desire will become a part of her life, and she has a willing submissive to continue exploring it with.

    Suddenly, she discovers it’s okay to have self worth, that its okay to put herself first.  That its okay to relax and let him pleasure her, without any requirement on her end. This boosts confidence, and her happiness levels skyrocket.  His compliments on her beauty start being believed!  She feels beautiful, desired, sexually fulfilled, and worthy of it all.  Insecurity and inhibitions, disappear, and her attitude towards life begins to change, she starts feeling empowered. This can cause her to change her life, her job, her life decisions, ending negative relationships, and preventing new bad relationships from ever starting.  It gives her a sense of who is worth her time and who isn’t.  It’s a totally different reality than the one she had before it.

    Her attitude becomes her new way of life.  She puts herself first. Her pleasure, her wants, her needs. She demands respect, has higher standards, and a higher quality of life. She learns not to settle for less.  She understands that her beauty coupled with her attitude, is a deadly combination against men.  She begins to find the ultimate joy in having a submissive, and cherishes him as a result.  She takes power from him, teases him, punishes him, loves him, and makes him her servant. And loves every minute of it. She has fun with it. Experiments with it. Until she’s ready to develop her preferred style of dominance, in which, her submissive will learn to accept, with pride and joy, respect, and devotion.  It makes them both the happiest they can possibly be.  Both, dominant and submissive, exploring who they truly are, behind all the masks society makes them wear, behind all the inhibitions that served as the veil, obscuring their inner core desires.

    Dominance is a state of being, as is submission.  Some women discover it naturally, others have to force themselves or be open minded enough to embrace it. Very few women who have had a taste of real dominance, ever want to have a relationship without it.  It’s simply not something that can be dismissed so easily. Dominance can help her understand just how good her body is designed to feel. How blissful this life can be, and how her beauty is not some standard that she must maintain in the eyes of society, but rather, a tool, and a weapon, that has the power to not only drop men to their knees, but to also awaken her to her potential, which by default, changes the world. There’s an old proverb that says, “ when sleeping women awaken, mountains move,” because it’s true. The feminine has long been suppressed, and when women awaken it, the world is never the same after that.  No woman wants to bury it, because it fills them spiritually, and physically, like nothing else can.  Dominance contains so much power, that she must learn to wield it wisely, and lead her submissive with love, always.

    Which is why I wrote the book Practical FLR.  To help both dominant women and submissive males, discover the lifestyle and all the amazing benefits that come with it.  To connect with each other at their inner cores, to create a deep connection so few ever get to experience with another.

    E-book available here - Practical FLR: Lessons For A Female Led Relationship

    Paperback available here - Practical FLR: Lessons For A Female Led Relationship

    Thank you for reading

    jillags

    In retrospect, I can’t believe how prudish I used to be.

    I’m not apologizing, I was young and inexperienced and I was raised in quite a conservative home were sex was behind closed doors and never spoken….

    That and basic tendencies brought imbalance into our sex life and our marriage.

    I can only thank my darling loving husband for his gentle guidance patience and broader understanding of the power dynamics between us to lead us to where we are now….

    The benefits with chastity

    If you are into male submission, it isn’t hard to find lists upon lists of the benefits of male chastity. As someone who loves the game of chastity there are some very serious side effects of chastity that some men experience that they don’t tell you about on those lists. Instead of a fun and kinky game, it can get dark and bitter FAST. This happens when chastity is done wrong.

    I am here to help. What I say won’t apply to every situation or person. But if you as a keyholder (or someone with a keyholder) isn’t having fun with chastity then this might help you.

    But first some highlights of these list of which I speak. Here are some common benefits I found when browsing through a dozen or so such lists (type Chastity Benefits or similar terms in your Tumblr search bar or your favorite search engine)

    1. His desire for you will skyrocket 2. His libido doesn’t crash 3. Male masturbation is evil and this stops it 4. He’ll stay faithful to you 5. He’ll be more helpful around the house

    etc, etc, etc

    This is a sampling but you can easily find more. I will go through each of these examples and explain why I think they are flawed, and how to make it better. But before that I am going to let you in on the basis of every problem with chastity right now.

    IGNORING HIM RUINS EVERYTHING

    Yep. If you want chastity to work it means a lot more sex. A LOT more. But it isn’t the traditional type of sex. It is talking and tasks and receptive sex on his part. If as the keyholder (mental or physical keyholder, it makes no difference) chastity is some kind of sexual oubliette where you throw your partner and forget about them then you are begging for problems and pain. The benefits of chastity only happen when you replace what you have taken away from him, with something more enticing than orgasms. And remember, that for most guys, we are biologically wired to do almost anything to cum! Mother nature dedicates whole parts of the brain to sex and desire (for most all people) so you are working with some strong bio-magic. Be aware of what you are getting into. It has the power to raise sexual skyscrapers you didn’t know were possible but it can also ruin and destroy people and relationships. You know the phrase…. “With great power there must also come –  great responsibility”.

    So on to how we make those benefits a reality.

    5. This won’t happen with chastity. Period. If you lock up his dick and then expect him to just start doing more house work you are a fool. Taking away a joy in life isn’t going to make someone more helpful. And it is just an abuse of the kinky relationship. Kink is about fun, house work is about necessity; it is everyone’s work. If you don’t think your boy is pulling his share, or would like them to do more, then JUST SAY SOMETHING. It is that simple. You don’t bring kink into. If he doesn’t help when asked, a few grams of steel, or a mental command, isn’t going to change that. And if you don’t feel like asking every time, have a conversation where you explain your needs and wants and then work it out between you. Don’t expect kink to magically fix things if you can’t talk. The same holds true for getting flowers, cards, romantic dinners, etc. OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

    Now, how to do it right.

    If you are in a D/s relationship, which playing with chastity automatically makes it a D/s game, make it part of the fun. Be explicit about what you expect and why. And tell him often…. more than that…. even more than that… Yes, daily, hourly. You get the idea. And then give him reasons to do more chores that relate to chastity. Trade time out or release for the floor waxed. Or Don’t remember the dishes and it is a ruined orgasm for you. Or You gave up your manhood so now you do a woman’s job. Play with the power he has given you and tailor it to the way the two of you play. Examples?

    Your boy into sissification? Great. That little thing has no place being out in the world were it could be mistaken for a man’s cock. Lock that shit up and go get your gurly ass dressed and in the kitchen where gurls belong. (Because dishes are more fun panties and heels.)

    Your man’s a pain slut? Sit in a chair behind him with a single tail and give him a lick every sixty seconds until the dishes are done. If he drops one or doesn’t do it to your satisfaction, he starts all over again… with the strokes every thirty seconds.

    Is he a service sub? When you get home, inspect every dish and point out how disappointed your with every mistake you find. Let him feel bad for failing you.

    etc, etc, etc.

    You get the idea. Whatever your style looks like, use it. But for the sake of all that is kinky, play with it! Don’t ignore it. Don’t make them wait in silence for a someday. Follow through on what you say you are going to do when you say you are going to do it. And if that is more than 48 hours away, your are doing it wrong (more on that in a bit). An inconsistent or forgetful dom is a bad dom. And bad doms make very bad subs.

    Oh, and for those that have missed the earlier point on equality but immediately took the role-playing comment (woman’s work) as sexist … go away and quit messing up the fun for everyone else who gets it. Sexism is sexy (for most). That statement means, as an example, that we know that corsets where torturous devices that women were forced to wear at one time. Women died from wearing them! But today we love them because WE DON’T FORCE WOMEN TO WEAR THEM ANY MORE. We have taken the torturous and made it fun. We do that with physical pain. Ever spanked a … SLAVE? We do the same thing with emotionally painful topics. In fact, it is by playing with these outdated ideas, turning them on their heads, and making fun of them that we remove the power they once had to hurt. As I said above, house work is everyone’s work. Kink means that putting a cage on a man and making him do ‘women’s work’ is just fun because it is role-playing, not a forced reality.

    4. If you believe that a small bit of metal and a lock that can be popped off with a screwdriver or small cutters is the only thing keeping a cheating man faithful to you then you are not just a fool, you are an idiot. Sorry to be harsh, but think about it. There are men who will throw away safety, power, wealth and even the lives of themselves and others just to fulfill one of our strong biological urges. If your man isn’t strong enough, or loves you enough, or respects you enough, or isn’t civilized enough to not fuck someone else without the consent and discussion of all parties involved then I promise you that your little cage isn’t going stop him. He is a jerk to start with, don’t play with him. Period.

    Now, how to do it right.

    Use your words. Make a role-playing game out of it. Talk to him, often (see above) about how you love the power over his orgasms he’s given up, or how you can play with others but as sub he can’t, or how as a sub he hasn’t earned the right to play a top role, or how he’s the bottom bitch now, etc. You know your man and what buttons to push to make him excited. Use it. And use it often. If he isn’t getting to play with his dick then you need to play with his head. And far more often than he ever played with his dick. Whatever you do, help him remember why he made a vow to you and why you are worth the chastity.

    3. This is some amazingly anti sex thinking going on there. Listen to sex advice shows or read non-sex positive help books for couples and you will hear the lamination of the women (not being sexist, being Conan) over how awful his masturbation is. He does it many times a day and he doesn’t want to play with me and its like he’s cheating and… and… and… BULLSHIT. Masturbation is something most every higher animal does and most every person does unless there has been trauma. Emotional, physical, cultural or religious trauma but it takes some kind of trauma to make someone give up the benefits of masturbation. Male masturbation is not evil.

    Now I will admit that like any activity, it can be over done or become all consuming. But that is a discussion of addiction and not one of kink. There is a difference. And if you can’t see the difference you need some education on what addiction is.

    And I will also admit that there are those that chose masturbation over their partners but this is because of … trauma! If your bed has become so painful to be in, difficult to obtain, tricky to navigate, or he feels to shamed to join you, or random to the point of no longer being a realistic option then yeah, he might rub one out… often. But that isn’t because he prefers it. It is because it is ‘that’ or the relationship ends (going separate ways or it loses what it once was). He has needs that occur at a duration or time that you cannot or will not meet. And he has found a way to meet them that saves your relationship. This isn’t true in every case but it is in more cases than people want to admit. :-(

    How to fix this?

    Welcome to the reoccurring theme of a fun, positive and kinky replacement. You are locking him up and taking away the right of orgasm. And like anytime someone locks up a natural animal you become responsible for their care and maintenance. You get to control when, AND HOW, he releases. It could be never. In that case, you have to find a suitable replacement that is applied at least as often as what you are taking away (i.e. masturbation… which can be multiple times a day for some guys). This replacement could be submissive acts, kinky words, edging, etc. And then the occasional ruin or miliking or prostate release. Whatever you do, make it fun (even in an evil way) and make it very frequent. And if it doesn’t result in frequent releases (kinky talk, submissive tasks, etc) then it has to be as frequent as his normal masturbation schedule (if not more so).

    2. Nope.

    This might happen in the first few days as he gets horny as hell. But if you keep ignoring it, keep his sex drive in that sexual oubliette, you know what happens to that powerful, biologically fueled, drive? It changes to something much darker. It could be anger, depression, sadness, rejection, violence, etc. Whatever your man’s dark nature is, being forgotten and ignored will bring it out and bring it out amplified. When you forget him, the best you can hope for is to crush his spirit to the point where he doesn’t care anymore. In any case, you will kill the spark that made you love him in the first place. That darkness will cause the game to come to an end in a miserable failure and might put in place lasting emotional trauma that you can’t fix.

    How do you do it right?

    DO NOT IGNORE HIM. Don’t forget him. Absence DOES NOT MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER. Constant teasing and torture and playing and edging and whatever other fun kinky things you do will. If it is done often it WILL make his libido skyrocket and bring out the fun, kinky side of him. He may get super submissive. He may beg. Plead. Claim he’s dying. :-) But he won’t be mad, depressed, violent or feel forgotten. He will feel loved, owned and played with.

    1. You know what? This is the same as the last one. Go re-read that again.

    In the end, chastity is an awesome game so long as the keyholder (as always, physical or mental) doesn’t take a fire and forget approach, or the ‘absence will make the heart grow fonder so if I forget to play with him one day, two days, a week, two weeks, he’ll really be ready to play when I do finally grace him with the merest crumb of play time’ approach. If you do that, it will backfire spectacularly.

    Chastity can do all those wonderful things the Tumblr blogs say it can. It can make your man feel, and be, much more submissive. He can find a renewed spark in you. He can feel loved, cared for and not shamed for want to play with the person he loved. So long as you don’t ignore your dominant role and don’t forget to play more often than the activity your are replacing (his desire to orgasm) then it will work.

    jillags

    I must admit it took dear hubby a couple of months to persuade me that assuming the dominant role in our marriage both will become me and will do wonders for us both.

    It was my quite conservative and traditional upbringing and education that stood in my way, because quite frankly being dominant and in control of hubby is a job tailor made for me.

    With time and support of my loving husband I became better at it and with time it became more natural.....and then he brought up chastity..... and it caught me unguarded and I thought the whole idea was weird and I rejected it quite aggressively.....only to find few weeks later ( probably to cool me off) dear hubby nicely locked and waiting for me in bed....

    Needless to say I was shocked and angry and curious all at the same time and we talked and I protested and we talked some more and hubby pretended he lost the key for a whole two weeks and I had time to adjust and to explore and feel the tip of the iceberg of the benefits this little device entails......and couple of years past and the key was found and I hold it now And I don't find it weird any more and life is good....

    jillags

    Love this game….I usually start the game while hubby is at work, so the teasing start early in his mind, I usually do in on days that he finishes work early, but I finish late, so I usually come to a tidy house a great meal and worm bath.

    By then, dearest hubby is quite worked upand usually find one of four options:

    1. We cuddle and go to sleep.

    2. We have steamy sex, but I left his key at the office.

    3. I tease and edge him to the point he is begging to be locked again.

    4. 1:5 I tease and edge him to the point he starts to beg and I grant him with a mind blowing orgasm ( needless to say it is one random in five).

    captionedgoddess

    Anything to say..

    jillags

    I’m fair, I give second chance, I even sit back and give a chance to explain and apologize…. but boundaries must be set and I’m required at times to inflict punishments….

    I’m not that much into pain, although sometimes required, I’m more into self reflection, in ascending order of intensity, via corner time, use of a humbler or predicaments in an uncomfortable/stress positions….

    Hubby is smart and a quick learner and he knows it saddens me, so I’m not required to punish him often…. but when needed, well, a lady’s got to do what a lady’s got to do….

    jillags

    I will not deny, that there are side benefits to chastity and control.

    I must admit, in the beginning, it felt to me like exploiting hubby and his special situation....

    .... but as long as you keep it reasonable and don't really over do it, you quite quickly get comfortable with that and learn that it is just another form of asserting your control.

    Another thing I have learnt is that it works wonders as a behaviour modification tool and pretty fast you don't need to use it very much.... but the potential of use always remains....