My relationship with Aubrie was many things, but I think perhaps the best word to describe it was: complicated.
We met each other on September 19th, 2008 at approximately 10:00. It was a Tuesday night. I know this because it was the goth theme night, Haven, at the local club I used to go to. Prior to going to the club that night I have been working a new job that I absolutely hated beyond words for about 6 months. It was a shitty job that nearly broke my spirit. It got to the point where I was having nightmares about going to work, only to wake up and realize that I had to go to work, so I decided to go out and do something that used to make me happy. I decided that going to the club would help me get in touch with something that used to really make me happy, so goth night it was. I called my friend Rebecca and she agreed to go with me. When I walked in Aubrie was the first person I saw, she took my breath away. It was love at first sight.
It was like something out of those old cartoons when a cupid shoots a man with an arrow. I could not take my eyes off her. I had never seen someone like her in real life before. It was if someone, or something, had reached into my mind and given my ultimate fantasy woman form and substance. Here was this voluptuous gothic goddess who looked like a mix of Elvira, Mistres of the Dark, The Baroness from G.I. Joe, and a fallen angel. She was this magnificently dark and mysterious woman with large soul piercing eyes, wild untamed hair, a chesire cat like grin, and a body that could make men go to war. She was both glamorous and trash, wild yet refined, and so much more.
I knew right then and there I had to talk to her, but I froze. Fear swept over me in a way I had never experienced in my entire life, but I knew that I had to talk to her, or else I would regret it for the rest of my life. I went into full on creeper mode and followed her around the entire night finally waiting for the right moment, but the moment just seemed to elude me. She was either on the phone talking to her friend or tearing it up on the dance floor. Watching her on the dance floor I was completely, totally, and utterly hypnotized by her body moving to the various rhymths. I could not take my eyes off of her for even a moment. All I could do was sit there in her thrall wondering how devastated I would be if she didn’t want to talk to me or even acknowledge me, but in the midst of all that self doubt and fear I finally found my moment, sucked it up, found my courage, and made my move.
While she was sitting at the bar ordering her drink I reached over her and put my money down on the bar for her drink. I introduced myself and asked her if she would like to have a cigarette with me. In that split moment I felt more fear then I have ever felt in my entire life, and it seemed like an eternity, but something rather unexpected happened. She introduced herself to me and actually said she would love to. This might come as a surprise to some people but Aubrie was the first girl I had ever talked to in real life without knowing something about her before I made my move. I went in completely blind, but it turned out to be one of, if not the, best decision I ever made.
After that the night was just magical. We sat there, talked, smoked, and got to know one another. It turned out I was the first guy to ever guy her a drink. Something I could not believe with how beautiful she was. She said he had noticed me too but thought I was actually there with my friend Rebecca, as in that she and I were together. I laughed at that. I told her how much I liked her shirt as it was a vintage Jem and the Holograms shirt. She was amazed I knew who they were let alone how much I knew about them. The night just flew by in virtual flash. At the end of the night I brought her home and we exchanged MySpace information. The first thing I did when I got home was try and find her but I couldn’t, but magically almost instaneously there came a message, “found you, damn I am good”, and that was just the beginning.
On our first date we agreed to meet at a bar close to her college campus. Aurbie was a ada comstock scholar at Smith College, a very presitigous women’s college. We met at a bar called the Tunnel Bar. I wanted to impress her so desperately I dressed like a cross between Marilyn Manson and the devil himself because I thought that was what she would want. It was funny because Aubrie thought the same thing, so she came dressed as what she thought would impress me. Essentially a young Republican complete with a sweater and pearls. We both had a really good laugh at this. We ended up ordering a few drinks. I don’t drink so I just pretended to sip a beer the entire time. Once again the night was pure magic. At the end of the night she invited me to her dorm room. We just hung out talking until the sun came up.
I first knew I loved her on our third date. It was a little weird because I agreed to meet her at this restaurant she really liked. I had something important to tell ber because I have some skeletons in my past which are important for anyone who wants to get to me to know about. We sat down, ate, and I told her. It was at this point she told me she had a boyfriend. My heart was broken as I was already falling in love with her. She could see it in my eyes and told me it was an open plural relationship. This was something I had never encountered. Once we both said these things to each other her friend walked in and joined up so we could not really talk about them. We ended up hanging out with her friend for a few hours until we finally got rid of her. We talked about everything, our wants, needs, desires, fears, and agreed that we wanted to still see one another. Driving her home the night went so well I felt this almost pathological need to ruin it by telling her embarassing stories about me and seeing how she would react. I told her the worst most awful things I could concieve of and she did not bat an eye. She responded by telling her how as a kid her mother sent her a fat camp on the UCLA Berkley Campus and got kicked out for dressing up in all black like a fat ninja and breaking into a vending machine. The moment she told me that I knew I was completeley, totally, and utterly in love with her. After that we were virtually inseparable aside from the times I was at work and she was in class.
I think what really let Aubrie know how I felt about her was the night we went to the casino. My friends and I had arranged a trip to Foxwoods, and I asked them if I could invite her. They assumed I wanted to fuck her and they wanted me to get laid as it had been a few years for me, but honestly sex was the last thing on my mind. During the car ride down there they fed her vodka and ativan, essentially roofiing her so it would be easy for me. On the way my buddy and his girlfriend got into a fight and she started crying to Aubrie, being a kind and caring person, in her own way, told her how beautiful and special she was and how she would totally fuck her with her strapon. My friend was an old school guinea and he almost dead stopped the car on the highway and went to hit her but I stopped him. When we got to the casino she was wrecked. She came onto his girlfriend in the bathroom, spilled her drink all over the blackjack table, and eventually got removed from the gaming floor. We went outside on sat on bench where she started trying to make out with me. She was destroyed so I knew it was not right to do anything. She tried telling me how beautiful and special I was and show she loved me all the while trying to put her hands in my pants and feel my dick. She got really hurt when I said no and ran into the bathroom where she blacked out and we had to send my friend’s girlfriend to go get her. Eventually we got her into the car and headed home. The entire ride home she kept crying that she had to pee so my friend finally pulled over and she peed, but she fell down into it. I got out to help her up but she pulled me down into her pee. So the entire ride home we were both covered in her pee. Finally we got back to my house where she tripped walking into my house and scrapped up both her knees. I got her up to my room, cleaned up her knees, and changed her. I put her in my bed and I slept in the chair in my room. In the morning she remembered very little but she was scared she had tried to be inappropriate with me because of what she did remember and the fact she was in my bed. She had not agreed to be intimate with me yet with her other partner. I told her what had happened and I think it was then that she knew she could trust me and could see how much I cared about her.
The most awkward night was when I met her other partner. I got a call at work that she wanted to meet me at bar after work, so I agreed. When I got there she was sitting in a booth with this ultra thin long haired effeminate male(my natural competitive predator at the goth club). My first instinct was rage because she was mine, and who the fuck was this guy, but then it quickly dawned on me. She then introduced me to Kevin. Kevin was the opposite of me in every way: logical, unemotional, effminate, snarky, and generally cold and unlikable. I could not understand how she would want him and me both. We tried to get along at first. We even had a three way, which was a disaster, as he is a this religious repressed transgender wannabe. I respect his gender issues, but he never owned them, and essentially he only wanted Aubrie to be his “beard”. He wanted her because her father was a multi millionaire and her family was both wealthy and affluent. I could see it a mile away, but she was blind to it. It did not take long for it to degenerate between Kevin and I, from mutual dislike to all out war, all for her. In the end she married him because her parents wanted to cut her off financially and he could give her things she needed that I could not give her, but even after she got married we never stopped seeing each other. He kept her like a prisoner, isolating her from all her friends and family, all the ones who had loved him and hated me, in time they all fell away, but never me. I was always there for her. I was always there to talk to her, always there for her when she needed me. I was always there to rescue her and take her on adventures. I was always there to remind her that life was worth living. I was there to let her know how beautiful, wonderful, and special she truly was when all he did was berated, degrade, and ignore her. In the end their marriage failed, and she was finally mine again.
After Kevin left her, took their child, and threw her in jail her parents institutionalized her, yet again, and decided to cut her out completely. At this point I found her a place to stay. I got her food. I got her money. I took care of her and paid her bills. There was nothing she wanted for that I did not give her. Eventually, she came to live with me and that was the happiest time of my life, but it was to be short lived. She had suffered from emotional problems and sucidial impulses her entire life. Her father died from a long term illness, her mother ignored her, the pain of being sexual abused by her brother as a child, and her so called “husband” using their child like a bargining chip become too much. She started experimenting with harder drugs. I honestly had no clue until I came home one day and found her in our bed blacked out with my mother’s pain meds sprinkled all over the bed. We had and epic fight and I told her she had to leave until she could get help. I had my friend agree to let her stay over his house for a while. A few days went by which was the longest we went without talking, finally we talked and I forgave her and we made plans to go out that Thursday to goth night as goth night was always our date night. It was the place we met afterall. I showed up to pick her up but she did not answer the door. I thought she got high again and was blacked out so I stormed off. Later in the night my friend called me and said he just got home and that she was blacked out and cold. I was already at the club but I raced back there in time to find her dead. It was the worst night of my life.
At her funeral, a lot of truths finally came out for the entire world to see. Her mother finally learned about me. Up until then I had been known to her family as her “gay” best friend. It was a role I played one night as we were out to dinner and we brother, the one that had molested her as a kid walked in on us eating. I was going to stab him, but she made me promise not to. She asked me to pretend to be gay so her family would not think she was “cheating” on her husband as they were very traditional and had no idea about him or their relationship dynamic. After that I just played the role around them as it was so much easier then the truth. Her mother finally came to know the truth about us, and she even told me how much she wished she picked me over Kevin. I was not allowed to talk to her funeral because of the nature of things between her and I but I had to listen to all the fake friends who abandoned her talk about how much they loved her. The final insult was when Kevin got up there and talked about how much he loved her and how she could have had anyone in the world, but she chose him. I almost went ballistic, but thankfully my mom was there to calm me down. The only reason that I did not take out vengence on Kevin and her brother, the abuser, was because in life she made me promise I wouldn’t, and I never broke a promise to her, even in death. The last thing I said to her that day, while I sat next to her coffin, was “fuck you bitch, how could you leave me?”.
Aubrie was perhaps the most perfect woman I have ever had the pleasuring of knowing. She was my partner, lover, best friend, and soulmate, but that was just who she was to me. In her own right, she was someone who always saw the best in people regardless of how others saw them(case in point, me). She had this way with bringing out the best in people, and helping them learn to love and accept who and what they were. She never judged anyone, never had a bad word to say, and always tried to help people embrace the truths of who they were. She always had a kind word to say, a shoulder to cry, and a smile that could pull you up from the lowest depths of depression. Her own interior mental landscape was full of darkness from her traumas, but she never let that stop her from moving forward and giving everything she had to give to whatever she was doing.
She was very active in the local LGBT scene, a proud pansexual. She proudly fought for the rights of people to be with the partner/partners of their choice. She was also an ardent feminist(does that surprise you knowing she was with me?). Actively working for the betterment of all women in whatever way she could. Although from a priviledged white upper class background she never used that knowingly to her advantage. She was on full scholarship to Smith for academic excellence, where she graduated with stellar grades. She cared about others, genuinely and truly, no matter who or what they were.
She was sexual one of the most dynamic people I have ever met. She opened my eyes up to things even I have never dreamed of. She was, to be plain and simple about it, kinkier then any person I have ever met. She was up to trying anything, at least once. She actively switched with me, letting me explore my own sexuality while exploring her own at the same time. I did things with her I don’t think I might ever do again. We had a level of trust that allowed for a truly wonderful BDSM relationship in addition to our vanilla one.
She was a woman of another time who believed in art, beauty, love, and truth. She dedicated her life to beauty in all its forms, in celebrating even the smallest aspects of everyday life, all the while trying not to get caught up in the trappings of modern society. She was wild and untamed, sucking the marrow out of life at every possible occasion. She was a studious scholar who delighted in knowledge and information, sometimes kind of nerdy and definitely a massive geek, who could easily out do even most of the more hardcore ones I know.
She was not a perfect person, by any means. She had her faults and flaws. She struggled with demons from her childhood,and mental issues which often brought her constant pain and misery, but she never ever stopped trying, until the very end.
I hope that tells you a little more about her and I.