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    kvothe-kingkiller:

    violent-darts:

    the-desolated-quill:

    anal-sneeze:

    A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

    The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

    The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

    The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

    Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

    The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

    The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

    The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

    The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

    The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

    The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

    The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

    The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

    The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

    Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

    The man demands the key to the stone door.

    The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

    He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

    Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

    So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

    Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

    The man is relieved to no end.

    He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

    But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

    Originally posted by disneyasastrology

    BWAHAHAHAHAH. 

    the way i learned this, it was always told through spoken word. And you’d do the door thing for ages. AGES. literally just making up any old material. ‘behind the foam door is a door made of spinach’ that kind of shit. Go on until whoever is listening has already begged you to stop and has now gone on to pleading, clutching your shirt on their knees pleading. And when you finally said the last line? People went fucking nuts Like there was a good chance of just getting the teeth knocked out of you after telling that joke.

    A friend of mine did that shit for 30 minutes on a camp once. The entire fucking bus just exploded in anger when she finished. It was a fucking massacre. 

    seereethepagan:

    lilkittynellie:

    spottytonguedog:

    maneth985:

    phil-of-the-phuture:

    anonymouscatperson:

    livebloggingmydescentintomadness:

    catf8sh:

    bye-onara:

    robotbisexual:

    karajames:

    poonpie:

    thesoftgrape:

    thehumorousace:

    lgbtqpjo:

    People need to realize that there’s a difference between straight people and Straight People™

    Straight person: Hey, you got a new haircut. Looks really good.

    Straight Person™: No homo, but your haircut looks good on you.

    In case you were confused 👌

    Just like how there are white people who are gay and then there are the White Gays

    White people who are gay: “I’m gay.”

    White Gays: “I can’t believe I got accused of racism after calling that person a racial slur! I mean, I know what racism looks like because I’ve been discriminated for my sexuality. How is me being racist even possible? I’M GAY!”

    Lmao all the angry White and Straight people in the comments, keep reblogging

    neurotypical: i don’t have any mental illnesses or disorders
    Neurotypical™: Happiness is a choice!! ✨✨Have you tried yoga? Drink more water and eat kale ✨✨

    cis person: i identify completely as my assigned gender
    Cis Person™: It doesn’t matter what you identify as, cause you still have Female Genitals! I’m not being offensive!! Read a book on Human Biology! 🚹🚺

    men: I identify as male.

    Men: feminazis ruin everything, get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich bitch

    atheists: I don’t believe in god or identify with a religion

    Atheists: Don’t fucking talk to me if you believe in God. Open your closed-fucking-minds!! (usually targeted towards Christians)

    nice guys: hey I know when not to invade someone’s space and I totally respect boundaries

    Nice Guys™: IVE BEEN YOUR FRIEND FOR A MONTH AND NOW YOURE TELLING ME YOU DONT WANT TO FUCK ME ???? WHAT IS THE POINT OF WOMEN IF YOURE NOT HAVING SEX WITH ME?

    this post got all kinds of better since I last saw it

    This post is perfection across the board.

    feminist: I believe in equality for everything between the sexes

    Feminist™: ALL MEN ARE ASSHOLES AND SHOULD DIE! WE DONT NEED ANY OF THEM ANYWAYS AND THEY NEVER DO ANYTHING GOOD FOR US!!

    Christian: I believe in God and his son Jesus

    Christian™: We must Obey Bible In Everything and Take It Literally and if you don’t do it you’re Going To Hell! I’m praying for you to find God and have your sins Forgiven! Other religions are from Satan and So Is Atheism!

    thepoorgroomsbrideisatrot:

    animentality:

    ginathethundergoddess:

    trashcandean:

    thecheshiresmiles:

    everytime I hear about children of the corn I think about the guy I met at comic con who actually lived in the town they filmed that movie at, and on the farm where they filmed in the corn.
    he was a teenager at the time and him and his friends would get drunk on moonshine and rustle the corn and let the air out of the tires of the production team’s trailers and shit.
    and now there’s Wikipedia pages about how the children of the corn set was haunted and they thought they angered god but it was really just drunk hillbillies

    I don’t like adding to posts but I also have a funny story like this, so I was watching the movie the Blair witch which takes place in burkettsville maryland, which to me is so funny because that is were my grandfather lives and the town is literally just old people and cows with their main street consisting of a post office. Well anyway he told me that after it came out people were coming in like bus loads to the town to find the witch and my grandfather lives up in the Mountain area and people were up in his property trying to find the witch and it made him angry so he went out and hung up stick people and stacked rocks and it freaked the people out so they started thinking something was out there when really it was my 80 year old Italian grandpa who wanted people out of his woods.

    We had ghost hunters come to a historic house in my town to film and if you think every high school kid in town respectfully stayed at home that night instead of going to fuck up that filming you’re dead wrong.

    this is comforting, actually, sometimes paranormal things are just a bunch of bored people dicking around in the woods.

    New favorite cryptid: locals

    nichelle-my-belle:

    imagines–assemble:

    msocasey:

    I got pretty fed up with looking for words to replace said because they weren’t sorted in a way I could easily use/find them for the right time. So I did some myself.

    IN RESPONSE TO
    Acknowledged
    Answered
    Protested

    INPUT/JOIN CONVERSATION/ASK
    Added
    Implored
    Inquired
    Insisted
    Proposed
    Queried
    Questioned
    Recommended
    Testified

    GUILTY/RELUCTANCE/SORRY
    Admitted
    Apologized
    Conceded
    Confessed
    Professed

    FOR SOMEONE ELSE
    Advised
    Criticized
    Suggested

    JUST CHECKING
    Affirmed
    Agreed
    Alleged
    Confirmed

    LOUD
    Announced
    Chanted
    Crowed

    LEWD/CUTE/SECRET SPY FEEL
    Appealed
    Disclosed
    Moaned

    ANGRY FUCK OFF MATE WANNA FIGHT
    Argued
    Barked
    Challenged
    Cursed
    Fumed
    Growled
    Hissed
    Roared
    Swore

    SMARTASS
    Articulated
    Asserted
    Assured
    Avowed
    Claimed
    Commanded
    Cross-examined
    Demanded
    Digressed
    Directed
    Foretold
    Instructed
    Interrupted
    Predicted
    Proclaimed
    Quoted
    Theorized

    ASSHOLE
    Bellowed
    Boasted
    Bragged

    NERVOUS TRAINWRECK
    Babbled
    Bawled
    Mumbled
    Sputtered
    Stammered
    Stuttered

    SUAVE MOTHERFUCKER
    Bargained
    Divulged
    Disclosed
    Exhorted

    FIRST OFF
    Began

    LASTLY
    Concluded
    Concurred

    WEAK PUSY
    Begged
    Blurted
    Complained
    Cried
    Faltered
    Fretted

    HAPPY/LOL
    Cajoled
    Exclaimed
    Gushed
    Jested
    Joked
    Laughed

    WEIRDLY HAPPY/EXCITED
    Extolled
    Jabbered
    Raved

    BRUH, CHILL
    Cautioned
    Warned

    ACTUALLY, YOU’RE WRONG
    Chided
    Contended
    Corrected
    Countered
    Debated
    Elaborated
    Objected
    Ranted
    Retorted

    CHILL SAVAGE
    Commented
    Continued
    Observed
    Surmised

    LISTEN BUDDY
    Enunciated
    Explained
    Elaborated
    Hinted
    Implied
    Lectured
    Reiterated
    Recited
    Reminded
    Stressed

    BRUH I NEED U AND U NEED ME
    Confided
    Offered
    Urged

    FINE
    Consented
    Decided

    TOO EMO FULL OF EMOTIONS
    Croaked
    Lamented
    Pledged
    Sobbed
    Sympathized
    Wailed
    Whimpered

    JUST SAYING
    Declared
    Decreed
    Mentioned
    Noted
    Pointed out
    Postulated
    Speculated
    Stated
    Told
    Vouched

    WASN’T ME
    Denied
    Lied

    EVIL SMARTASS
    Dictated
    Equivocated
    Ordered
    Reprimanded
    Threatened

    BORED
    Droned
    Sighed

    SHHHH IT’S QUIET TIME
    Echoed
    Mumbled
    Murmured
    Muttered
    Uttered
    Whispered

    DRAMA QUEEN
    Exaggerated
    Panted
    Pleaded
    Prayed
    Preached

    OH SHIT
    Gasped
    Marveled
    Screamed
    Screeched
    Shouted
    Shrieked
    Yelped
    Yelled

    ANNOYED
    Grumbled
    Grunted
    Jeered
    Quipped
    Scolded
    Snapped
    Snarled
    Sneered

    ANNOYING
    Nagged

    I DON’T REALLY CARE BUT WHATEVER
    Guessed
    Ventured

    I’M DRUNK OR JUST BEING WEIRDLY EXPRESSIVE FOR A POINT/SARCASM
    Hooted
    Howled
    Yowled

    I WONDER
    Pondered
    Voiced
    Wondered

    OH, YEAH, WHOOPS
    Recalled
    Recited
    Remembered

    SURPRISE BITCH
    Revealed

    IT SEEMS FAKE BUT OKAY/HA ACTUALLY FUNNY BUT I DON’T WANT TO LAUGH OUT LOUD
    Scoffed
    Snickered
    Snorted

    BITCHY
    Tattled
    Taunted
    Teased

    reblog to save a writer 

    excellent resource