@badjokesbyjeff
Bad Jokes by Jeff

Hi, I am Jeff and I tell bad jokes

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3986
Last update
2022-01-26 21:02:16

    A young couple dies on their way to their wedding

    On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?' Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

    I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

    I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!" She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's." "Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?" I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

    A woman goes to the doctor and says,

    “Doctor, my husband is an animal in the bedroom. He wants sex five, six, seven times a day. I love the man and the sex, but it’s just too much. Can you help me?”

    The doctor replied, “Well, medically, I can’t really think of anything. Theoretically, this might work. From now on, whenever he demands sex, demand money. $10 in the kitchen, $30 in the living room, $50 in the bedroom. The man isn’t made of money, that should slow him down.”

    She agrees and thanks the doctor. Excited she goes home ready to use his advice. She starts to prepare dinner. Her husband comes home, doesn’t even ask about dinner, but immediately sneaks up behind her and brushes up to her and plays grab ass. She turns to him and says. “Honey, I have a new rule regarding sex.” He replies, “Okay hon, shoot!” She continues, “From now on, I demand money for sex. $10 in the kitchen, $30 in the living room, $50 in the bedroom.” He looks at her says, “Okay, I think you deserve that, you do so much, no problem.”

    He reaches for his wallet and sees he has a $50 bill in his wallet and hands it to his wife. She says, “Okay let’s go up to the bedroom.” He shouts, “NO, FIVE TIMES IN THE KITCHEN!!!”

    A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

    ... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

    "Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

    "Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

    "Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll have to issue a fine unless you can prove your claim."

    "Well, I's had 'em since they was babes. Trained 'em meself, I did. I can lets 'em go play, and when I calls 'em they comes right back to me."

    The cop, disbelieving the man, allowed him to demonstrate. The Newfie put the lobsters on the sand and said "Go 'n play, me b'ys".

    The lobsters immediately turned and crawled down into the water. Amazed, the cop blinked in amazement.

    "That's incredible! I've never seen anything like it! Now call them back."

    The Newfie turned with a sly smile and said, "Call what back?"

    A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

    "Wow, what a great chest you have!"

    "He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

    He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

    He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

    Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.

    He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman. When he catches up to her, he asks, "Why the hell did you go running off like that?"

    She replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was."

    An American, An Indian, And A Russian Meet The Devil

    An American, an Indian, and a Russian end up in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

    The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

    Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go.

    The Indian asks, "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time".

    The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?"

    The Russian replies, "The Indian, of course".

    Day off

    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

    "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

    So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

    The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!

    She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

    Later, that day…

    "That was fun," says the brunette.

    "We should do it again sometime."

    "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."