Gas prices are so high...

That even the coronavirus stopped traveling..

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.

People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front. As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?"

The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes, why wouldn't I want $150,000.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire.. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the same school as mine..

"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!!!!", I happily exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, idiot, asked,

"What subject did you teach" ?"

If Arnold Schwarzenegger's tombstone doesn't say "I'll be back..."

Someone has made a grave mistake.

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch." She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"

The woman replies, "I am a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You have been working so much, that you have gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

As the woman leaves, the man starts to follow her. The boss stops him, saying, "Where are you going?"

The man answers, "I am going home too. I can't work in the dark."

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

What do you call someone who contributes nothing to society?

A politician.

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

A man walks into a bar and says “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”

“Well you’ve come to the right place.” says the bartender, “What’ll it be?”

The man replies “One water please”

“Just a water??”

“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”

I asked my wife if i was the only one she’d ever been with.

She said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.” Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late for a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found that my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took to get home. At home, I found my wife with another man. Then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all. I bought a drink and dropped a suicide capsule in it. Then, after all that, as I sat down here watching the poison dissolve, you come in here and drink the whole damn thing!

Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park, reminds me of my teenage days when I used to see other teenagers make out in the park

They said that my dad was gay.

Now I am trying to figure out which one.

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"